This Theresa May speech is an absolute car crash

Despite the elation a lot of young people felt after the election, and may still feel, the Tories are still in power. Theresa May is still the Prime Minister. Even if she did piss away the party’s majority with an unnecessary election and let Jeremy Corbyn’s wave of popularity sweep up extra voters. Boris Johnson clings to his senior role as Foreign Secretary, despite the fact he just told a room of people that Libya could be the next Dubai once they “clear the dead bodies away”. Oh and Anne Morris who says the n-word like it is going out of style still has a job.

Yet in contrast to the Labour Party Conference in Brighton last week which felt and sounded like a jubilant house party, the annual Conservative gathering was more like a sad funeral. The aim of such events is to restore the party’s faith in the leader and get them excited for the year ahead, but by the end of the speech everything May had built was literally falling down around her. We’ve rounded up what we learnt about our government from the leader’s speech:

SUDDENLY WE ALL HAVE A BRITISH DREAM

If you all remember, the Tory campaign fell apart after an endless stream of slogans and soundbites revealed that the party lacked any actual plan or passion to sort out the country’s mess. We were told Theresa May and the Conservatives were strong and stable, strong and stable, strong, and almost definitely stable. Today she told her cohort that she was sorry and admitted the election was "too scripted, too presidential". 

It is weird then that she went on to repeat a new phrase that no one has ever said: The British Dream. It sounds just like what it is, the American Dream, but shitter. It’s shitter because having just learnt what it is May tells us its “increasingly out of reach” so literally what is the point? 

TORIES CONTINUE TO SAY THAT LABOUR IS BAD – BUT STEAL THEIR IDEAS

The Prime Minister recently said that Labour would “wreck the economy” which fits into the Tory claim that Labour believes that there is a “magic money tree”. Nevertheless, they have scrapped most of their cost-saving promises from their disastrous manifesto and continue to plagiarise Labour pledges on everything from housing to organ donation.

IN FACT, THEY EVEN STOLE IDEAS FROM TV SHOWS

Clearly, someone in the Conservative party is a West Wing fan.

THE TORIES ARE DETERMINED TO SHOW THEY ARE THE PARTY OF DIVERSITY, WITHOUT REALLY CARING

May’s speech was introduced by Kemi Badenoch, a political rising star who said: "Our party is the party of opportunity, inclusivity and hope". This is the same party that has Anne Morris waiting in wings after using the phrase “nigger in a woodpile”, a phrase Conservatives members have been told to stop using for decades. Alan Pearmain, a Tory councillor, shared tweets that depicted Diane Abbott as an ape wearing lipstick. Another Conservative councillor, Nick Harrington, said Ireland should “keep their fucking gypsies”. However, May really pushed the idea that Labour is a party with a record of terrible race relations that remain unsolved. Even when the room she was addressing looked like this:

THEY USED FRIDA KAHLO AS A MASCOT

Fairly certain Kahlo would not vote Tory and was more left-wing than Corbyn.

THERESA MAY WAS THEN HANDED A P45 MID-SPEECH

For those of you who don’t know, a P45 is a certificate given to an employee at the end of the job. Comedian Simon Brodkin, known for his portrayal of Lee Nelson, managed to run up to The Prime Minister and hand her a P45 saying “Boris Johnson asked me to give you this”. May attempted to clap back at the prankster by saying she wanted to hand Jeremy Corbyn a P45. The room chanted “out, out, out!” as Brodkin was forcefully ejected from the event in what felt like a fitting allegory for our controversial exit from the EU: the Tories forcing vocal ‘remainers’ out of the EU while May clings to her platform pretending everything is OK when everything is clearly going wrong.

THEN HER VOICE DISAPPEARED

Things then went from bad to worse for the Prime Minister who decided to power on through the disturbance. She was trying to say the country was back on track but every time she did it was like her body was literally rejecting the message. “We’re strong,” she coughed. “We’ve bounced back,” she gargled. “EVERYTHING IS FINE!” she wheezed.

THE CONSERVATIVE MESSAGE LITERALLY FELL APART

It was around this time that all the carefully planned rhetoric and spin collapsed around her. First, the wall behind her told her to F off. The message then read “BUILDING A COUNTRY THAT WORKS OR EVERYONE”. By the end of the speech half of the pledge packed up and left.

SOME POLITICIANS HAD TO BE FORCED TO STAND UP AND CLAP

Boris Johnson, who clearly wants May’s job, had to be poked until he responded accordingly.

AT THE END, MAY’S MPS LOOKED SORRY FOR HER

Members of the crowd handed her water, cough sweets, and flat rounds of applause. They laughed a bit too hard at her poorly executed jokes. They cheered her on when it seemed to all have fallen a bit flat. In one way it is touching to see the party behind her in her weakest moments, but for a leader surely the only thing worse than criticism is pity.

THE WHOLE SPEECH WAS A METAPHOR FOR THIS GOVERNMENT

Tories have flip-flopped on many promises, missed many of their own targets (remember the deficit they said only they could fix?) and remained silent on the imbalances in this country. All the while they have maintained that things are getting better even if the reality doesn’t quite match up to the rhetoric. May still reigns over the country but it’s painful to watch. This doesn’t feel like a government that just won an election, it feels like a party quickly losing all credibility. And yes it is funny.