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Life-sized Elon Musk statue
Via Twitter (@public)

5 uses for the cursed life-sized bronze Elon Musk statue

You can’t immortalise the world’s most obnoxious capitalist and get away with it

ICYMI, there’s a life-sized bronze statue of Elon Musk terrorising the streets of Lower Manhattan. The atrocity was created by ‘investing social network’ Public.com in honour of the SpaceX founder’s 50th birthday yesterday (June 28). And, if one enormous immortalisation of Musk wasn’t enough, the company created 100 miniature Musks so 100 “lucky” “fans” could own their own.

“Because Elon’s ambition (and maybe ego) is definitely not miniature, we dropped a life-sized statue on 14th Street and The High Line stairs in NYC. Go say hi,” Public.com tweeted. Obviously, the post was met with widespread mockery – in part because of the idea in the first place, and in part because it looks… literally nothing like Elon Musk.

“It just looks like a statue of some guy,” one Twitter user commented. Another compared it to the infamous Bad Ronaldo statue. Others criticised the creation of something honouring a centibillionaire, writing: “Yes, because it’s so great to worship a trust fund kid who bought a car company.”

Shock aside, people began deliberating what should be done with it, including the ingenious suggestion of “throw it away or beat Elon with it”. So, naturally, Dazed is throwing its idea hat in the ring. Welcome to: five uses for the life-sized Elon Musk statue. Hop in!

A PUBLIC TOILET

OK this technically isn’t an original idea, as several people suggested this to Public.com, but it’s a good one so it’s going in. As Twitter user @TaconicST astutely pointed out: “The shortage of public toilets in NYC is no joke. I am sure this one will get a lot of use.” Picture this: we’re back in lockdown, you’re having some tinnies in the park with your pals, you’re desperate for a wee, but, ‘Oh no, there’s no public toilets!’ Thank God you can just lift your leg up like a dog and pee against this conveniently located bronze statue.

LAUNCH IT TO VENUS

This would probably appeal to Musk himself, as it would make him the first man in the world to send a big bronze statue into space. It would also be treading new ground for the Tesla CEO, who has never really spoken about the possible exploration of Venus. In 2019, he did acknowledge that “Venus would be very difficult” to colonise – probably because of its “hellish, volcanic environment with a dense atmosphere that can crush unprotected machines in moments”. Sounds like the perfect place for a beautiful Musk statue.

A SPARRING TOY FOR GRIMES’ SWORD PRACTICE

Grimes’ new thing is Valkyrie sword dancing, which she demonstrated in a music video teaser clip back in April. As the video is yet to materialise, we can only assume it’s because she hasn’t had anyone to spar with, meaning her skills aren’t yet up to scratch to officially premiere to the world. Enter: the life-sized Elon Musk statue, the perfect sparring partner. Not only could Grimes get some decent sword dancing practice in, she could also take out any rage she feels towards her boyfriend on a bronze version of him. A healthy coping mechanism.

AN NFT TO BE SOLD USING DOGECOIN

After Grimes auctioned off 10 pieces of original crypto art, Musk wanted to get in on the action. Following the success of his 2020 foray into EDM, in March, Musk decided to write a new techno track about NFTs, label himself the ‘Technoking of Tesla’, and then sell the unnamed song as an NFT, along with a music video containing cryptic words like ‘Vanity Trophy’, ‘HODL’, and ‘Computers Never Sleep’. Musk would likely be excited, then, by the prospect of selling a bronze statue of himself as an NFT – particularly if it could only be purchased using Dogecoin, his go-to cryptocurrency. Any chance to make more money, right?

AS A STATUE… IN AZEALIA BANKS’ HOUSE

Elon Musk and Azealia Banks’ feud goes way back – well, to 2018, when the rapper camped out at the billionaire’s house and refused to leave until Grimes came and recorded a song with her. The bizarre turn of events led to revelations of Musk’s “giant dick”, Banks issuing – then deleting – a public apology, and the Tesla CEO being sued for fraud. To forever remember this moment in her life, Banks would probably be grateful to receive the bronze Musk statue as a gift, which she could proudly display in her home. This would likely also please its creators, who just want it to live life as they intended: as a statue. While it’s shipped to casa de Azealia, you can read Dazed’s brief history of the musician’s savage Musk burns here.