Why we’re all obsessed with the fish tube

The internet is a weird place, increasingly leading me to absurd sentences like this: 30-50 feral hogs are out, and fish tubes are in.

On Friday (August 9), a video emerged of an unusual new system that enables fish to take the express route over a dam. Soundtracked by what can only be described as video game music, we see a man hurl a fish into some kind of hole before the camera follows its journey through a massive sky tube, eventually shooting the fish out the other side.

According to the clip, the fish transport system – created by Whooshh Innovations (LMAO) – helps native fish pass over dams in seconds rather than days. The design aims to help with fish migration and salmon recovery, and cull non-native species that “wreak havoc” on the habitat.

Of course the invention has been repackaged for the glorious purpose of meme-making on Twitter, which means it’s time to over-analyse why we’re so obsessed with the fish tube. Journalism! 

WE WANT TO BE THE FLYING FISH

It’s hard being young in 2019, OK? We all want a hero to pluck us out of the ocean of life and soothingly send us on our way to something better. Basically, we’re jealous of the fish. We’re jealous because they get to ride a sky slide; we’re jealous because it’s so easy being a fish; we’re jealous because we’ve been paying rent for a decade and we have nothing to show for it. The fish tube is simple – it has a purpose. All we have is imposter syndrome and dwindling mental health. The internet is baby, but it’s also salmon. 

IT REMINDS US OF OUR CHILDHOOD

That sounds weird but wait: remember the slide at the leisure centre? The blue monstrosity that came into view as your mum pulled into the car park, twisting and turning outside of the building before shooting straight back into the pool inside. It was fucking terrifying and anyone who says otherwise is a maniac. 

This memory means we can empathise with the fish in the tube. Being alone in an echoey tube, unsure how much further you have to go, not really knowing why TF your mum said this would be fun? The only thing seemingly missing from the fish tube is the moment of terror right before the lifeguard returns your staring gaze and says ‘go’.

THIS HAS THE MARKINGS OF A STONER

This system has all the hallmarks of smoking too much weed. Some lads watched the Discovery Channel on a Friday night, named themselves the Whooshh Innovators, and two years later are standing by a dam shooting fish through the sky and tweeting ‘LOL that escalated’. 

Yes I can see there are reasons for the system outlined in the video, but I’m sorry I don’t buy it. There’s absolutely no reason a fish needs to get across a dam in seconds. Absolutely none. What else has a fish got to do with its day? Pick up the kids? Ridiculous.

IT’S CREATED BY THE INSANELY TITLED WHOOSHH INNOVATIONS

Whooshh Innovations is the most British name ever (see: Boaty McBoatface) so it’s insane the company is based in the US. What I love most about Whooshh Innovations is the extra ‘h’ at the end because it reminds me of that daddy long legs meme – somewhere a group of incredibly clever scientists have gone ‘nah I reckon it needs an extra ‘h’... really give it some pizzazz’. Also obviously now I imagine the fish screaming ‘whooshh’ as they hurl through time and space.

THERE’S FISH TO FRY IN THE FISH MIGRATION FIELD (SORRY) 

There’s unrest in Kashmir and Hong Kong, an epidemic of mass shootings in the US, and Brexit is still a mess. Fish have their own worries, like overfishing and climate change effecting our sea levels, but environmentalists are on the case with the salmon cannons. The “tube” may look like it’s all fun and games, but it’s actually a real, urgent move to help the issues of fish migration. Previous attempts to help salmon on their paths to spawning grounds to pro-create have proved challenging, stressful, and not that great for the surrounding environment – like ‘trap and haul’ techniques and fish ladders. Now, this new invention could actually be groundbreaking – the fish are sorted, our garbage fire of a landmass? Not so much.

MEMES DISTRACT US FROM ACTUAL LIFE

Getting to the end of this list and preparing to reference burnout and the climate emergency, I realise it’s kind of depressing. But look, it’s Tuesday and summer is basically over so enjoy what you’re given!

We all love the fish tube because it’s a distraction from the hellish world outside. We can sit down at a computer and laugh at the realisation that there’s a fish rollercoaster in America in which fish travel through the sky at 60mph and sing the 2008 smash hit “Cry For You (You’ll Never See Me Again)”. Make them worldwide IMO. Make them for humans!