Twitter is often a cesspit of toxic masculinity and white supremacy, but every so often its users unite to create something wonderful. Enter: 30-50 feral hogs.

Following two deadly mass shootings in America that tragically took the lives of 31 people, one gun-supporting Twitter bro put forward his argument for assault rifles: “Legit question for rural Americans – How do I kill the 30-50 feral hogs that run into my yard within 3-5 mins while my small kids play?” Naturally, the mocking memes rolled in in response, offering some dynamic advice and support for getting rid of them hogs when America finally wises up and does something on gun control.

It’s a legit question TBF! And one I would now like to answer.

GET SOME CONTEXT

Too often you see the memes before you understand the background – it’s like Bruce Bogtrotter devouring that slice before the whole cake comes out. You’ll see the feral hogs taking over song lyrics (“Take me down to the paradise city where the hogs are feral and there’s 30-50”) and meme formats, and you’ll have to once again look at yourself in the mirror and question why the modern world just made you type ‘30-50 feral hogs’ into Google.

There’s some context above, but let me elaborate: gun supporters are dumb AF and will use any analogy to encourage support for weapons of mass destruction. Feral hogs are indeed a problem in rural America, but going out into your yard with an AK-47 and shooting into the wild like you’re the fucking hero in Zombieland seems a little excessive. Also what hasn’t been addressed here is how the hell you even begin to clean up 30-50 dead hogs – surely that’s a pretty traumatic sight for your kids minding their own business in the yard.

DON’T PANIC

In the name of this article, I googled ‘are hogs dangerous?’ which now makes me a feral hog expert, so listen up. Feral hog attacks on humans are rare, with just four people dying in hog-related incidents since the 1800s! Three of these victims were wounded by injured boars they were hunting – I don’t want to say serves you right, but… 

Hogs would rather flee than attack when confronted with a human, which means Twitter user and hog scaredy cat William McNabb needn’t be worried about his precious kids. Although groups of hogs are more dangerous, I highly doubt 30-50 would come into McNabb’s yard specifically looking for a fight – best thing to do here is simply stay calm. Next steps outlined below.

TRY TO REASON WITH THEM

There’s nothing like a little conversation to clear up a misunderstanding. Have you ever thought to ask the hogs: hey, can I help you with anything? The feral hogs might have got lost on their way to a quinceañera and just need pointing in the right direction. In times like these it’s important to remember Babe: Pig in the City – maybe the hogs have been sent on a special mission to demonstrate their talents across rural America. As the famous proverb goes: talking is the best medicine, so get the kettle on and ask your sudden influx of hogs what it is they want with your yard. 

FUTURE PROOF YOUR YARD

Playing devil’s advocate here, let’s say the hogs are looking for trouble. Get yourself a fence! In this whole situation, you do have to question why McNabb’s yard is seemingly just open to 30-50 feral hogs. And if there is a fence and the hogs keep charging at it, they must be looking for revenge for their brothers – I don’t think feral hogs would repeatedly smash the same fence in a pack of 30-50 just for the sake of it. Clear out the yard, invest in a stronger fence, and stop playing Battle Royale with wild pigs!

THINK ABOUT IT FROM THE HOGS’ PERSPECTIVE

What if 30-50 lost, unsupervised kids ran into the hogs’ yard while their young were playing? Would be a pretty big overreaction for the Big Boy Hog to get out his assault rifle and just open fire. What McNabb has actually done in this situation is weakened his gun argument by proving that assault weapons are not only a dangerous overreaction, but also that people who use them don’t understand the gun control argument and shouldn’t be allowed to wade in. Maybe McNabb should think twice about letting his kids play in the yard.

BLOW THEM UP

This is what you actually have to do. Horrible. Just horrible.