It’s simple – don’t invite your drug dealer Scorpion to crash on the couch without asking, don’t eat everyone’s food and soundproof your room if you must have loud sex
It’s that time of year again. The end of summer and the start of term for the made up and pretend institution that is “university”. It’s also the month what that Green Day man was singing about. Big month. Important month. Very significant if you’re about to move into a house where other people are also going to be living. That’s a big deal that requires some careful thinking and perusing of this here article. You may be shaking your head. How difficult can it be? It’s living with my mates. It’ll be non-stop parties and house dinners and everyone will be best friends the whole time, right? Nope. Not right. There’s so much more to it than that. It’ll also be Monday mornings when you’re so hungover you think you might be dead and you can’t make a cup of tea before lectures because nobody’s done any washing up in seven weeks. Or the blazing row over Facebook chat because SOMEONE keeps leaving the freezer door ajar and you’ve had to throw two packets of frozen turkey dinosaurs in the bin. So stop eating your Cuppy Soup or your Instantaneous Noodles for one minute and get stuck in to this guide for being a good and not total shit housemate.
DON’T STEAL YOUR HOUSEMATES’ FOOD, NO MATTER HOW REPLACEABLE YOU THINK IT IS
They will notice. And they will be mad. Even if you’re really drunk, don’t give into the urge. Because your drunk idiot brain will think that you’re just slicing an imperceptibly tiny amount of cheese from their block- but NOPE. What you’ve actually done is taken a huge bite of expensive Waitrose Gruyere and then crawled off upstairs. And then you’re fucked. Because the dental evidence will be indisputable in any court of law, and you’ll be forever the cheese biting roommate who can’t be trusted. You’ll be shunned across campus, spoken ill of in so many Whatsapp group chats. You’ll be mocked by someone’s dad via text. Don’t let it happen to you. Just tape oven gloves to your hands and resist.
DON’T BE WEIRD ABOUT MONEY – PAY PEOPLE BACK
You know that frighteningly big packet of toilet roll that just appeared in the house one day? Well someone bought that. Yeah, they purchased it at the shop. With money. It’s kind of a whole global economic system we have. I don’t know much about it. I don’t see it catching on. Anyway. Whatever. The house necessities- the bin bags, paper towels, the washing up liquid, etc. that stuff gets bought and then you use it. So pay people back with reasonable promptness. Same goes for if your friend lends you money for food after a night out, or spots you for bills one month because you drunkenly spent all of your loan on a set of decks because you can’t be fucked doing a dissertation and you reckon if Calvin Harris can do it then it can’t be that hard.
KEEP THE NOISE DOWN AT YOUR GROWN UP ONE ON ONE SLEEPOVERS
Don’t have loud nasty sex, basically. It’s a communal home area. Keep the screaming to a minimum. If you have to use the noisy apparatus, the maracas and the Bop-Its and what have you, then at least wait until everyone’s out. When it’s midnight and everyone’s asleep you gotta keep it down. Additional tip: if that seems boring then why not try an extremely kinky roleplaying game where you pretend to be two people who love having quiet missionary sex that lasts for 9 minutes. Very hot and x-rated stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree.
DON’T LET YOUR FRIENDS STAY UNLESS YOU’VE ASKED ALL YOUR OTHER FRIENDS IF YOUR FRIEND CAN STAY
It doesn’t matter if they’re your really good friend and you owe them a favour. You can’t spring a new roommate on your current roommates without at least a sit-down discussion and reassurance that they won’t be staying for long. Not that it isn’t super cool having a drug dealer called Scorpion sleeping on your sofa because his girlfriend kicked him out for texting other girls. We don’t mind Scorpion. He isn’t the problem. He hoovers and is very respectful. No – it’s the principle of the thing that’s important. So be respectful, and give everyone a heads up.
MAINTAIN AN ACCEPTABLE LEVEL OF CLEANLINESS SUITABLE FOR OTHER HUMAN BEINGS
If you spill something, wipe it up. Wash your dishes now and then. If you have an enormous moustache, then make sure you clean out the shower drain. Have a little peek at the yoghurt that’s been sitting on your shelf in the fridge for the past month. Is something alive in there? Yeah throw that out. It’s a new plague growing in there, and nobody has time for that. I know you’re very busy, what with all of the new Tinder matches you have and pretending that your 9am lectures aren’t real, but try to find a spare moment to do a quick tidy. You’ll get mad housemate points for it.
WHEN YOU CRAWL IN AT 4AM AFTER A NIGHT OUT JUST TRY AND SHUT UP
It’s 4am. You drank 14 Jagerbombs at the club. Medically you should be dead. But you’re not dead. You’re alive. You’re in the kitchen. You’re using every single utensil in the to make a plate of crackers and ham. You’re screaming about how quiet you’re being. How is it possible to be this quiet, you yell, brandishing a box of Ritz that you definitely didn’t buy. Everybody in the house can hear you, and they all wish you were dead. But it doesn’t have to be like this. When you come in past 2am, just don’t say words. It’s that simple. Not even one. Don’t loudly call your ex. Don’t knock on your friend’s door and ask if they want a bite of your delicious ham crackers. Just quietly crawl into bed. Dream dreams of reasonably priced tuition. Wake up in the morning with housemates who aren’t plotting your murder. Easy.