This is the new you (yeah yeah) so here are our tips on how to get yourself together in the new year
It’s a new year! Unless of course you’re Chinese or faithfully abiding by the Old Russian calendar, still smarting about how those fucking communists overthrew the Tsar. If you’re either of the above, apologies, but do bookmark this for later.
New Year can be a time of healing – you cracked open a cold one and pissed on the ashes of 2015. At times, it was rough – a new Tory government, Biblical levels of flooding, being unable to use the greeting ‘Hello’ without some prick singing “it’s me” back at you. You made it. But new year can be a time of anxiety: what’s coming next? To which I say – it’s 2016. At new year in 1916 almost every man in the world was conscripted in the biggest war in human history and headed for the Somme – so chill out you overprivileged twat.
Below you’ll find some tips for starting as you mean to go on this year:
DON’T CLEAN YOUR FLAT; BURN IT DOWN
There’s half drunk cans everywhere. Someone put out a spliff on that scented candle in the bathroom your aunt got you for Christmas. Someone’s regurgitated red wine but you don’t know where yet.
Your first instinct is to start cleaning – but why? Is the flat yours? No – it’s 2016. There’s a major housing crisis on. It’s not your flat and it’ll never be your flat. It’s not even a flat, it’s a room. It belongs to some property baron who’s been charging you £32,000 a month to share a cupboard in a working abattoir with two people you hate for the past year. Torch it. He’ll get it all back on insurance. Let him sue you – you’ve got no savings, they all went to him in rent!
(Disclaimer: criminal damage is also an indictable offence carrying a prison sentence. Dazed accept no liability whatsoever).
SAY “NEW YEAR, NEW ME!” A LOT
It sounds like so epic and transformative and is in no way annoying. See examples below.
“I’m growing out my fringe!” “Are you?” “New Year, New Me!”
“You knew there’d be redundancies – we’re letting you go” “New year, new me!”
“I’ve got Celiac disease.” “Have you? Well, New Year, New Me!”
DECONSTRUCT THE TOXIC WAYS IN WHICH YOU CONTRIBUTE TO, UPHOLD OR BENEFIT FROM A WHITE, CISGENDER, HETERONORMATIVE PATRIARCHY THAT IS ROTTING US ALL TO THE CORE
Or take up a pottery class, whatever.
DO DRY JANUARY
Give up the booze in the first month of the year. It impairs your work functioning, lowers your mood and makes those dark mornings just that little bit harder. That said, January is dull as fuck and street quality of cocaine is at an all time high. Unlike alcohol, properly snorted stimulants don’t have those tell-tale signs at the office. Swap the gin for the gak and watch your life soar. Your body isn’t a temple, it’s a god.
READ ELENA FERRANTE INSTEAD OF GOING OUT
If you haven’t heard of her yet, the mysterious Italian author (Elena Ferrante is a nom-de-plume, no one knows who she is) set the English-speaking literary world on fire with the release of the last translated version of her Neapolitan Novels, a four part series about the maturing of two women from childhood onwards that delighted women readers and startled men not used to reading about female friendship.
JOIN THE GYM
No need to exercise; just scream “WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM?” at all January’s new joiners on the treadmills. I mean, serious question.
LOOK AFTER YOUR MENTAL HEALTH AND THE MENTAL HEALTH OF OTHERS
2015 was an anxious year – campaigners suggested one in four people live with a mental illness, the popularity of techniques like mindfulness and the appointment of a Shadow Minister for Mental Health suggested we were experiencing a national crisis. Anxiety infected our politics in toxic ways too – anxiety about a harrowing refugee crisis, war and terrorism. In a time when so much is out of individual control, practical self-care and gestures for those around you become more crucial. More important than any long list of resolutions.
STOP USING THE PHRASES "ARTISANAL COCKTAIL", "PULLED PORK" AND "BEAUTY VLOGGER"
No further comment. Just stop.
AVOID THINKPIECES ON WHETHER TINDER IS DESTROYING ROMANCE
It’s 2016 for Christ sake – who cares? If you want to use a dating app use a dating app. If you want to have a fully consummated sexual relationship with your smartphone itself, go for it my friend.
STOP ARGUING WITH PEOPLE INCESSANTLY ON SOCIAL MEDIA
It’s time-consuming, draining and quickly escalates into entrenched outrage on both sides. This year – don’t be so earnest. If someone’s posted something dickish, smile and report Their engagement photos to Facebook as “abusive content”. It’s called justice.