All the post-election convos you’re going to have at the pub tonight

It’s Friday 13 and the streets are as spooky as the date. Last night, in the UK’s third general election in four years, Labour lost by a landslide, giving the Tories their largest majority in over three decades.

Boris Johnson and his cohort of cunts now have total control over the country, meaning we’ll be leaving the EU with a disastrous deal – or No Deal – on January 31. With the election results influenced enormously by voters’ Brexit stance, the Tories were able to rely on their irritating promise of “getting Brexit done” – as well as the split Remain vote, encouraged by the idiot Lib Dems – as opposed to offering anything worthwhile in their manifesto. 

As a result of this, over the next five years we’ll see the climate continue to deteriorate, working class communities suffer under cuts, the NHS fall further into crisis, and a rise in racist rhetoric both in parliament and on the streets.

But for now, it’s Friday, and in a couple of hours we’ll all be in the pub pontificating over the results and arguing with strangers. If you need a rundown of what TF happened last night, head here. Otherwise, enjoy every conversation you’ll have about the election tonight.

‘WE’RE FUCKED, WE’RE FUCKED, WE’RE FUCKED’

Nice and simple pub chat to get us started. You hug your mates as they arrive, each time offering a sad and sincere, “I can’t believe it, mate”. The conversation will be lively at first – laughing at Jo Swinson getting unseated; loudly chastising the Lib Dems for splitting the Remain vote; congratulating your tireless canvassing for Labour’s success in Putney – before someone mentions the devastation the Tories are about to inflict onto the poorest and most vulnerable and you all sob quietly into your IPAs.  

THE ‘BUT... JEREMY CORBYN’ DEBATE

They can see you’re devastated, sure, but someone’s still going to stick the knife in. It might not happen until after the second pint – or the fifth – but the conversation-exploder is coming, where everyone assertively declares where it all went wrong. Because you’re a Labour supporter drinking in south east London, you don’t have any Tory friends, meaning your arguments are going to entirely be about how “Jeremy Corbyn is a stain on our party”. You’ll initially spend time fighting back, reminding your friends that the right-wing press (yes, BBC included) purposely portray Corbyn as dangerous – he doesn’t even watch the Queen’s Christmas speech, how can you TrUsT ThIS mAn?! You’ll acknowledge that Corbyn’s leadership disuaded certain voters, but remind your friends not to forget the impact of disillusioned Leave voters in last night’s disastrous results. Then eventually you’ll realise it’s futile and head back to the rented house you’ll never be able to buy because we live under a Tory government.

GUESS THE TORY GAME

Is that entire table of women sharing one bottle of Prosecco a Lib Dem stronghold? What’s the guy double-parking with two Guinnesses thoughts on Brexit? Am I going to be verbally abused by a drunk banker celebrating “BoJo’s legendary win” on my bus home?

‘I’M JUST ON SKYSCANNER AND LISBON’S LOOKING CHEAP’

The first joke everyone tells after an election is: “So where are we moving then?” Ha! Ha! Ha! Funny stuff. But you’re a slave to the system, so you’re also going to make this joke at the pub tonight. You even go as far as drunkenly searching flights on Skyscanner, and texting your boss: “Can u relocate me to Berlin lol gotta escape the Tories. Haha only joking hope ur having a fun night xoxo see u Monday.”

‘HOW ABOUT THAT CELTIC UNION, THEN?’

The SNP triumphed in Scotland – Nicola Sturgeon celebrating Swinson’s loss was a particular highlight – and laid the groundwork for a potential second independence referendum, while Northern Ireland ousted the dinosaurs of the DUP in key seats and saw Nationalist parties outnumber Unionists for the first time. For Scotland and NI, it might finally be time to kiss goodbye to Brexit and create the Celtic Union. England deserve it TBH.

PONTIFICATING ABOUT THE RED WALL

The biggest reason for Labour’s defeat in this election was the destruction of the so-called ‘red wall’, which, last night, Tory MP Mark Francois compared to the fall of the Berlin Wall (u OK, hun?). This fact is going to permeate every conversation you have with anyone at the pub tonight – bartenders, people you awkwardly chat to in the toilet queue, the guy in chinos who won’t leave you alone even though you’ve explicitly said “please go away” a hundred times. There’s going to be a lot of bad takes, and my suggestion is to ignore them, instead playing David Hasselhoff’s performance at the Berlin Wall in your head over and over again until Francois finally escapes totalitarianism!

WHAT CAN WE DO TO HELP NOW?

Lots of us were out canvassing for the first time this election, pounding the pavement of marginal seats and door-knocking to persuade the undecided and apathetic. There must be some way to continue cultivating left solidarity, we agree over a round of vodka, soda, limes. Whether that’s joining up with grassroots movements, getting out to protest and resist, or joining a political party, Labour may have lost this time, but with continued support we’ll get to a better place.

DRINKING UNTIL YOU PUKE

Simply, the best thing for the streets of Tory Britain.