Smuggle me to Europe in an Ikea meatball
Boris Johnson has got himself a Brexit deal which means the UK is set to leave the EU on Halloween – exactly two weeks away. Now the question on everyone’s lips has got to be: is this deal a trick or a treat? (I’m not sorry).
The prime minister’s EU agreement scraps Theresa May’s controversial Irish backstop plan, but is otherwise practically the same as the one repeatedly voted down in parliament. According to the BBC’s helpful guide, the whole of the UK will leave the EU customs union, enabling the UK to strike trade deals with other countries. While the deal states there will be a legal customs border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland (which stays in the EU), in practice the border will be between Britain and the island of Ireland, with goods checked at NI “points of entry”.
There will be a transition period where the current rules stay the same, which will end in December 2020 unless an extension is agreed by both the EU and UK.
Despite securing a deal, Johnson still has a lot of convincing to do – the agreement must be passed through the House of Commons and has already been publicly rejected by the DUP, meaning hardline Brexiters, the European Research Group may also vote against the deal. Though Jean-Claude Juncker, the president of the European Commission, seems to be certain the deal will be passed as he’s stated there’s now no need to extend the Brexit deadline.
In honour of another horrendous stain on the UK’s history, Dazed lists everything you can expect to kiss goodbye to now it’s likely we actually will leave the EU on October 31.
ITALIAN GUYS IN THE SMOKING AREA WHO ROLL YOU A CIGARETTE THEN AGGRESSIVELY FLIRT WITH YOU ALL NIGHT
It’s Friday night in Corscia Studios, you’ve paid £15 on the door but have spent the last half hour swerving the advances of a man wearing jeans and sheux. Leaning at a 45 degree angle, and with his face practically osmosed into yours, he discusses in detail his fondness of casual Fridays and MDMA. You begin to regret abandoning your friends after taking one sip of beer and convincing yourself you’re drunk enough for a cigarette – ‘and anyway why do I need to give up smoking I’m only 24?’ – when it suddenly hits you that the rest of your night will be spent being sheepdogged by your friends in an attempt to avoid the fumbling grinding of a man whose frothing jaw is doing laps on an invisible treadmill.
BEING REJECTED FROM BERGHAIN
Never again will you awkwardly squeeze into Camden fetish gear, travel 60 minutes from your €5 a night hostel, and queue for three hours in the pelting hail just to arrive at the door of Berghain and be dismissed by Sven’s cutting ‘nein’. Never again will your wet PVC squeak as you meekly tell your friends, ‘at least we tried’ before heading to Tresor and convincing yourself you’re having a good time.
EATING SOME WEED BROWNIES YOU GET FROM AN OFF-LICENCE IN AMSTERDAM, THINKING THEY AREN’T WORKING, EATING TWO MORE, DYING
They can’t be that strong, you think. I smoke weed all the time at home, you say. We should definitely scoff two more before Nathaniel gets back from enquiring about the bicycles, you suggest. Next thing you know they’re pulling your body out of the canal. I’m sorry, I don’t make the rules.
BUYING A £1,600 IKEA BAG DESIGNED BY DEMNA GVASALIA (ALSO: IKEA MEATBALLS)
If you thought Demna Gvasalia leaving Vetements was sad, you’ll be devastated to know that once the UK leaves the EU, you’ll no longer have access to Balenciaga either, and will be forced to go Demna cold turkey. That £1,600 Ikea bag you love so much – and absolutely can’t get for 40p in an Ikea store – is now a pipe dream. What’s worse is that you won’t be able to fill it with loose Ikea meatballs and slimy gravy like you’d planned because Boris Johnson gave up access to all Swedish meats in his deal with the EU. (NB: this is all complete fiction, please do not quote me in reputable news articles).
BEING ARRESTED BY CORRUPT CROATIAN POLICE AT DIMENSIONS FESTIVAL
This is sad because what are Smithy and JP going to post on their Instagram Stories?
LOSING YOUR KEYS FROM YOUR TINY JACQUEMUS BAG, GETTING LOCKED OUT, DYING
Hey, it fits nothing in but it’s fashionable, right? Your bag can barely hold an acorn and it cost £250, but people compliment you, right? You thought you brought your keys out with you but you’ve rummaged around in the bag and there’s nothing in there except a small bag of ket which takes up all the space. It’s 4AM and it’s minus three degrees. Your housemate isn’t answering and you realise that it’s probably a good thing we’re leaving the EU because this French bag is incredibly impractical. You die.
HAVING A VIDEO OF YOU SHAGGING IN MAGALUF GO VIRAL
What happens in Shagaluf, stays in Shagaluf... unless it’s chlamydia.