You've hired a Transit van, you've got a serious soundsystem in the back, your mate's mate knows a thing or two about Bitcoin and you're heading to Devon for a weekend of debauchery and jungle classics. Everything's going so well, until the world's most skilled party poopers show up.

Anti-rave police patrols are going to be on red alert in Devon and Cornwall, because, as Sky News accurately reports, "swathes of sparsely-populated countryside with isolated buildings can provide an ideal environment for rave-goers."

Superintendent and chief killjoy James Pearce said: "Historically a number illegal raves and unlicensed music events have been held over bank holidays. These events are illegal and will not be tolerated. These types of unregulated events are not only dangerous to those attending but cause disruption to people who live nearby."

"We will take positive action regarding criminal activity and identify and target organisers. We can seize any equipment associated with the activity and take positive action against those suspected of offences such as drink driving and drug possession."

"The force has spent considerable time engaging with local communities which have been previously affected by illegal gatherings. We also appeal to members of the public to keep us informed to help disrupt any illegal raves as early intervention is key; accurate and timely information can allow us to close down an event before it has even started."

If you want to have a police-proof rave without getting arrested, here are our tips.

SPIKE THE POLICE WHEN THEY GET THERE

We don't condone the use of drugs, but rumour has it that taking MDMA makes you incredibly happy, obsessed with dancing and utterly carefree. This sounds like exactly the type of thing that may encourage policemen to think "actually, this rave seems like really good fun, let's just let it slide yeah".

INVITE SO MANY PEOPLE TO THE RAVE THAT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO SHUT DOWN

Last summer, the police made a huge PR boo boo when they admitted that they failed to shut down a 2,000 strong, 24-hour rave in Brighton because they didn't have the manpower to do so. So, get on Facebook, hit "create event", make every last fucker a host and invite the world. The worst that can happen is that you end up living there for the rest of your lives in some weird rural dystopia constantly watched over by cops.

HAVE A DOG DJING AT ALL TIMES

If police are shutting down a rave they'll probably bring dogs with them. It's well known that dogs go berserk in the company of other dogs that they've not met before. Distract the canine police presence by having a dog on the decks at all times – the cops will spend invaluable time trying to control their mental pets, giving you ample time to slip away into the woods.

ENFORCE A STRICT DRESS CODE: POLICE UNIFORM

Alright, so no-one's gonna look cool, but imagine the confusion when the cops show up and everyone's wearing their garms. It'll be chaos. There are laws against impersonating a police officer, but it'll be really hard to arrest anyone because everyone will be impersonating police officers so brilliantly.

MAKE IT A SILENT DISCO SO YOU CAN'T BE HEARD

Tricked you. Everybody knows that silent discos are for mugs.

Really, if the police show up, you're fucked. But it's Friday and we want you to have just a little fun, especially if the feds are coming to your free party.