April* is a big reader. “Literature is one of my favourite things about being alive,” says the 24-year-old, who lives in Honolulu and works in a cafe. “I definitely wouldn’t be who I am without reading.” With that said, it may be surprising to learn that April spent four years in a reading-gap relationship, where one half of a couple's reading habits differ dramatically from their partners. Her ex-boyfriend rarely read, even though, ironically, their first date took place at a bookstore (he purchased a “big psychology book” that took him a year to finish). They’ve now been broken up for over a year, and while there were many reasons for the split, April attributes at least some of it to the reading gap. “I remember feeling really lonely at times because I would be excited by something I was reading, and I was just never able to have conversations about it with him,” she recalls. 

April’s story isn’t unique. Many people may find themselves reading more than their partner, and for women who date men, this is especially true. In 2023, women made up 80 per cent of the book-buying market in the UK, US and Canada. In the US, the gender gap in reading has persisted for years, with fiction-reading among men facing an especially precipitous decline (if there were any real takeaways from last year’s “performative male” obsession, it was that men who read now feel like such an anomaly that spotting one in the wild is cause for suspicion.) This divide arises from an early age; at the elementary school level, many studies show boys lagging behind their female counterparts when it comes to their reading skills, something that’s been true since the late 1990s. 

Whether it’s through restrictive gender norms or marketing by the book publishing industry, we have, over time, been conditioned to think of reading for pleasure as a feminine hobby. Even when it comes to non-fiction, which men have typically preferred, they’re getting their information elsewhere: men aged between 25 and 34 now make up the largest audience for podcasts. With the reading gap between men and women continuing to widen, it’s not surprising that reading gap couples exist. But how much should these gaps actually matter in dating, and does a literary mismatch really have to be a dealbreaker?

For some, the answer is yes. In a recent survey by the daily growth app Headway, 24 per cent of people say they wouldn’t date someone whose reading habits don’t match their own. April agrees. Following her breakup with her non-reader boyfriend, she now considers not reading to be a “red flag”. While some might find that dramatic or snobbish, many book-lovers and experts are quick to insist that reading is a way to see the world through different perspectives and expand emotional intelligence, both of which are important skills in a relationship. As for April’s current boyfriend? “He has a library in his bedroom,” she says.

Others like Madison Collins, a 24-year-old fashion assistant based in Hoboken, have a less black-and-white stance on reading compatibility. Collins is also a major reader, mainly consuming contemporary literary fiction (her current read Yesteryear, for example, is a buzzy satire about a tradwife influencer). Though she reads daily and her boyfriend hardly reads at all, Collins argues that this gap doesn’t matter because, through her friends and book club, she has a vibrant reading life outside her relationship. “I love reading and it’s an important part of my life, but at the same time, I don’t think that your partner has to be everything to you all the time,” she says. “I think sometimes we put way too much [pressure] on partners to complete us, when in reality, they should add to our lives, and you should be an independent person with independent interests.” 

“I remember feeling really lonely at times because I would be really excited by something I was reading, and I was just never able to have long-standing conversations about it with this person”

It’s true that having independent hobbies is considered a normal part of relationships – we wouldn’t necessarily judge someone for not enjoying cooking or rock climbing as much as we do – so why is reading assigned a particular significance? There are also other ways for our partners to support us and share in our lives than by liking the same things that we do to exactly the same extent. Eliana Smith, a 25-year-old English literature graduate based in New York, for example, flies through about 50 books a year, while her boyfriend reads much less. Still, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t make an effort to care about her interests.

Smith hosts a book club called Dwell Literature, which has over 1,000 online members, holds occasional in-person meetings, and exclusively features authors of colour in its selections. Though her boyfriend has never read any of Dwell Literature’s picks, he attends every meeting, assisting his girlfriend by taking attendance and capturing photos. “I think that relationships work like that sometimes,” says Smith. “You might not be able to participate all the way, but you can help in some capacity.” 

Though it is natural to want your partner’s interests to align with your own, experts like Dr Suzanne Degges-White, a relationship counsellor, suggest that we shouldn’t rule someone out simply because they aren't into books. Instead, argues Dr Degges-White, it’s worth examining their reasons why. Is it because they have a very demanding job, and simply don’t have the time or energy? If someone isn’t currently a reader but has the desire to become one, that may be worth taking into account. More importantly, she adds, having the same interests or tastes as someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be a good match. After all, how many of us have been enamoured by someone’s identical Spotify playlists or Letterbox account, only to be disappointed when the alignment in taste doesn’t mean they’re our soulmate? “There's more to a healthy relationship than just liking the same books,” says Dr Degges-White. An alignment in taste doesn’t necessarily translate to an alignment in values, which is more important.

Though relationship gaps can be fun to dissect, the truth is that differences are inevitable in dating, and that might not always be such a bad thing. As Collins sees it, the expectation that your partner should be your carbon copy is unrealistic, nor is it necessary if you have a strong enough community outside your relationship. Ruling someone out because they don't check a certain box could mean missing out on a deeper connection.