Ozempic rumours on the up, followers on the decline, Met Gala invite nowhere to be seen: the Kardashians had one last shot at relevance. And so the sisters announced their plans to target an entirely new demographic by releasing a collection of human hair wigs designed for babies. The latest in a line of brands beginning with the letters “s” and “k” (Skims, SKKN, etc) Skkalp is a first-of-its-kind product and can be stapled or sewn onto a child’s head without the need for anaesthetic within minutes of birth. Not only do the hair systems stop mum from spiralling into depression when she spots her hideous bald bairn, but they actually empower newborns to feel “younger, more confident.”

Made in collaboration with Chris Appleton, parents can now conceal their babies’ miserable lint-like hair with honey-blonde bombshell units, angular bobs, and goddess braids. Though this may sound extreme, it’s becoming increasingly common in Calabasas for doctors to offer Baby Buccal Fat Removal, while the sales of neonatal waist trainers have all but skyrocketed. And it is about time! If drastic measures aren’t taken to improve a child’s physical appearance at life’s most elementary stage then there’s not much point in continuing, I’m afraid. How clever of the Kardashians to identify an untapped market! To resist stasis! To further atomise themselves through public consumption! 

The genesis of the Skkalp brand will be documented in the upcoming series of The Kardashians on Hulu, where Kim begins to retrain in neonatal FUE transplants. The whole thing is quintessential Kardashian – it’s outrage-baiting, it’s body discourse, and it’s marketing 101. Children play a central role in the Kardashian brand and this will only gather momentum as North and Penelope – and the other ones I can’t remember the names of – become teenagers. It’s also an ingenious business plan: if Skims sells Kim and Good American sells Khloé and 818 sells Kendall and Poosh sells Kourtney and Kylie Cosmetics sells Kylie and Safely sells Kris and SKKN sells Kim (again) then Skkalp can also be used to market Kardashian offspring long before they’ve had the potential to establish their own consumer niche.