Bad Bunny woke up on the morning of the Monaco Grand Prix and thought ‘Hmmm, I kinda feel like a bad bitch.’ And so in an attempt to telegraph his inner BBL, the musician entered the Formula 1 racetrack in a stretch-mesh piece from Jean Paul Gaultier’s AW95 collection – its cyber-dots figured into the outline of one of those high-cut Fashion Nova bikinis. There is no set dress code for F1 tournaments, but a tireless (five-second) Google has informed me that “business casual is recommended”, which means it would have been highly risqué to attend the event with his nipples protruding. In a tinderbox of machismo and gasoline, that is a privilege reserved for WAGs. That might also explain why Bad Bunny’s trompe-l'œil blouse had been tempered with a pair of austere, ‘I am man, hear me roar’ bank teller trousers.
Though Benito Ocasio is not explicitly queer, he does dress like a hometown homosexual who has just discovered Jaded London. The cuntification process began in 2021 with an Instagram post of the musician wearing a plain, cropped sweater – and almost every outfit since has been an excuse to out-muah the last. There have been mini kilts, ankle-length Chopova Lowena skirts, and puff-sleeved Willy Chavarria gowns. He even dragged up in “Yo Perreo Sola” and Jacquemus’ Le Splash campaign, posing in square-toed heels and a fuschia mini dress. And though I would be loath to pit two girls against each other, Bad Bunny manages to do all of this without the mawkishness of Harry Styles – there are no peter pan collars, no pearl necklaces, no ye olde saloon dresses. He is the PLT to Styles’ Hill House.
As usual, lots of people with Twitter accounts are quite upset because they’ve interpreted Bad Bunny’s efforts to serve puss at the car competition as an example of queer-baiting. “YOU’LL NEVER BE HIM,” someone said, sharing a photo of Billy Porter in pleats. But Bad Bunny doesn’t want to look like a judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race, he wants to be the glamour model that waves the flag at an actual drag race – and perhaps that’s why it looks as though he has undergone extreme surgery to extend the length of his right arm. Regardless of his perceived sexual preferences, it’s Bad Bunny’s proximity to wealth and fame that allows him to dress outside of masculine dictates. And when even ex-Love Islanders have committed themselves to the cuntification movement, it’s not that shocking. If Bad Bunny really wanted to “fuck the cistem” he would have worn an actual bikini. And got a BBL.
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