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For Michigan-based fine artist and photographer Tamika Weber, shifting “aesthetics” signalled the end of a decade-long friendship. It all started when her childhood friend returned home after a stint on the West Coast working for a high-end fashion brand. Weber, who describes her style as “functional’ and hippy-adjacent, says that this friend would often give her fashion tips when the two went out. But once Weber began rejecting the advice, things changed. “It [our friendship] started off genuine,” she tell Dazed. Soon, though, it began to feel like she was an embarrassment. Over time their meetups decreased, communication dwindled and her friend became unreliable.

In an attention economy, aesthetics play an integral role in projecting success and your standing in society. For many, this extends to the people they surround themselves with as well. “Instead of looking for the things that are important – principles, interests, sense of humour, are your temperaments compatible – the things that are important when you are trying to make meaningful connections with people, it’s all about how do they look, how do we look together, do we look cute in pictures together,” influencer Heymisskelsey said in a viral TikTok video discussing the problem.

Of course, a shared aesthetic can be a good indicator of shared interests. From an alternative haircut to a band t-shirt, how we look can signal to the people around us important information about our hobbies, principles and beliefs. Milan-based fashion writer Asha Salim says aesthetics determine the people she chooses to have around because, for her, being aligned in taste means you’re more likely to have similar values. “One of the things that makes me the happiest is being able to share tastes and interests with a friend,” she says. “I find solace in asking them their opinion, musing, and sharing ideas together.”

The problems start, however, when the aesthetics being judged don’t go any deeper than physical appearance. In a 2012 study, psychologist Beverly Fehr found that people were more likely to pursue friendships with those who were physically attractive versus those who were not. And in a time when we are spending more time than ever on social media – where physical appearances are often the sole criteria upon which things are judged – some people are choosing to prioritise the friends that will look the best in their Instagram Stories.

Bailey James, a PhD candidate from Washington DC, noticed that the dynamic with her closest friends began to change once she gained weight. Her friends began to post her on their social media accounts increasingly less, and left her out of the planning for her closest friend’s baby shower. On the day of the event, James arrived to find her table at the back of the room, and she wasn’t included in any of the photos that circulated online. “[My friend] never uploads me and I feel it’s because I don’t look like the rest of her friends,” she says. “People don’t value you if you don’t look like ‘somebody’ to them. It’s ‘aesthetics’ – not just in terms of being conventionally attractive, but [this attitude that] you’ve got to look like money.”

Class signals like these can often play a role in how some people choose their friends, confirms Dr Sarah L Webb, a researcher of colourism and desirability politics. She says that while aesthetics can be used as a tool to find genuine connections, it all depends on the intentions. “There are people who have very shallow, cliquey, classist intentions behind it. Aesthetics in culture is also a class signal, [like if you can afford] certain brands and to change your hairstyle every week at a beautician.” So while aesthetics can just be just something fun to play around with, Dr Webb says it’s “clearly also a motivation in the culture to be perceived as more desirable”.

Desirability politics refers to the system that rewards and discards individuals based on physical features. It glorifies Eurocentric, ableist, fatphobic standards of beauty and often predicts who gets access to love, care and protection on a micro and macro level. How attractive you are deemed to be by contemporary beauty standards can also impact your likelihood of getting hired, earning more money and receiving better evaluations. “We think more highly of people that we perceive as attractive or beautiful. And we have more positive associations about their intelligence and their level of morality,” explains Dr Webb. 

“[My friend’s] general attention towards her personal aesthetics escalated, becoming more important than genuine connection. It seemed to dictate who and what she could enjoy and how she could enjoy it” – Danielle Jones

Because dominant beauty standards are driven by our patriarchal and Eurocentric society, aesthetics are often conflated with white supremacist ideals of who is worthy of public celebration. For Michigan-based freelance writer Danielle Jones, her friend’s quest to present as a lifestyle influencer went from quirky to sinister. Initially, it seemed harmless: this friend began wearing the same colour from her hair to her shoes, then her office decor and home followed suit. She then became obsessed with foods and drinks of the same hue.

“Her general attention towards her personal aesthetics escalated, becoming more important than genuine connection. It seemed to dictate who and what she could enjoy and how she could enjoy it,” says Jones. When their friends got together, suddenly the emphasis was on how they were going to present instead of just being happy together, but Jones started to get worried when she realised this friend exclusively posted light-skinned women on her personal Instagram and professional hair account. “I hate to say it, but colourism seemed to play a huge role in who she chose to interact and associate with.”

This kind of superficiality – conditioned into us by social media – only decreases our chances of forming meaningful relationships. At a time when loneliness has been declared a global health threat, it’s more important than ever to foster relationships that go beyond the surface, and to confront your own views on friendship. In an age of growing uncertainty, communities built on love, world care, and respect should be essential – even if we don’t always like their outfits.