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nice guy manifesto
via @mitchberghini / Twitter

Some creep is posting ‘nice guy’ manifestos around Toronto

Hey ladies – just give the good guys a chance to help you be less afraid of the world, OK?

It’s tough to be a Nice Guy™. Despite exuding all those pleasant and polite vibes, it often feels like society isn’t really rooting for you. After all, feminism – with its dreamy notions of equality and women’s rights – is now more popular than ever: causing some females to believe that they don’t actually need Nice Guys like you to protect them. What is this fresh hell? Has the world gone mad? Can’t anyone understand that all you want to do is serve and nurture your maidens?

Luckily, one anonymous Guy is prepared to speak out for his bros. Armed with nothing but duct tape and a Times New Roman manifesto, he’s taking his message to the streets of Toronto – offering residents a 30-second education on the nuances of Nice Guy Syndrome. According to Twitter user @mitchberghini, the page-long declaration was spotted “all over” the city last Wednesday. See below:

Confused? Here’s a quick line-by-line dissection, for those of you who can’t quite grasp the overall concept here.

O.K., ladies. I get it.

Spoiler alert: he doesn’t.

You don’t want a pleasant evening chat.

Sorry feminists – “pleasant evening chats” with Nice Guys are now a serious no-no. You do not get to campaign for political, legal, and economic equality, then just decide that you also want a “pleasant” evening chat to round off your day. You’ve had your chance.

You don’t want a gentleman to walk you to your car.

You don’t, do you? Because you’re ungrateful, aren’t you? You think you’re safe walking to your car without a strange man following you. Just don’t come running when you’ve been hit by oncoming traffic, or violently accosted by a pigeon.

You don’t want a friendly dude to help you carry your groceries... or hold open the door... or crush the life out of other men who would do you harm.

I'm afraid you now have to suck it up, pay the 5p bag fine, and trudge the two-minute journey to the bus stop alone. There’s no personal psychopath if anything does go wrong for you, either – which means you’ll just have to “crush the life” out of another human being on your own.

Fine – fear the good guys... I guess we’ll just have to suffer through watching you get broken over and over by the scum you think you love.

Because your ex-boyfriend – who works in wildlife conservation and volunteers on the Walthamstow marshes every weekend – is SCUM. Just so you know.

But I want you to know – it’s not easy. And it hurts to see you fall.

I’m starting to feel really bad for these Nice Guys at this stage, because I really do fall down a lot.

Give the good guys a chance to let you be less afraid of the world.

A powerful finish, here. Anonymous Nice Guy wants you to know that you are actually afraid of the world, even if you don’t (ever) feel it. He’s also got the grace to offer you one final chance to admit to the help you so desperately need.

Understandably, the note hasn’t gone down so well among most groups, with one respondent adding that it “couldn't be less creepy if it were written on human skin.” It’s not the first time it’s made an appearance, either – with one Tumblr user spotting the same manifesto stuck to a dorm wall back in January. “You want to be a gentleman and a good guy?” she posted, in a retaliatory letter. “Start with changing the way you and other men see women. We aren't fragile things you need to defend. We're people. Keep holding doors open, keep being friendly, just don't expect things in return. You aren't owed anything in this world.”