The Oscars is Hollywood’s version of Christmas – an annual gift-giving event that’s talked about for months in advance and by tradition is as white as snow. Last night, the film industry’s rich and famous gathered for a popularity contest already deemed meaningless by #OscarsSoWhite controversy and consensus that it’s never the ‘best’ anything (hence the term ‘Oscar bait’).

Then again, it’s a star-studded clusterfuck of awkwardness, politics and big personalities losing their composure on camera. If the winners are deserved, it’s even more of a triumph. Well, if you didn’t watch the ceremony because you were sleeping or doing something more productive (like sleeping), here’s what you missed.

CHRIS ROCK’S OPENING MONOLOGUE BRINGS THE PAIN

“This year, the ‘In Memoriam’ package is just going to be black people shot by the cops on their way to the movies.” Make no mistake, Chris Rock killed his presenting gig with an opening ten-minute monologue that was funny, insightful and informing a largely white crowd, “You’re damn right, Hollywood’s racist.” The reaction shots were golden.

Within a minute, Rock explained why he didn’t boycott the show (“they’re not going to cancel the Oscars”) before ripping into the industry with a reminder that #OscarsSoWhite is a decades-long issue, that nothing will improve until black actors get the same opportunities as Leo (who looked admirably stern), and that there was no protest in the 50s because “we were too busy being raped and lynched to care about who won best cinematographer”.

“If they nominated hosts,” noted Rock, “I wouldn’t even have this job.” Just think, two years ago, it was Seth MacFarlane doing the “Saw Your Boobs” song; who even remembers what Ellen did last year? Presenting the Oscars is a traditionally thankless gig, but Rock, under extreme pressure to be a spokesperson for diversity, made what will be remembered as a culturally defining moment.

DIVERSITY WAS A MAJOR TALKING POINT (APART FROM WHEN READING NOMINEES)

In addition to Rock’s constant jabs, there were comedy interludes that imagined Joy, The Martian and The Danish Girl with black characters. In an amazing (and amazingly WTF) cameo, Fox News’ Stacey Dash left the crowd clueless with her support for Black History Month (it’s a topical gag you either get or don’t). Other presenters, like Kevin Hart, brought up diversity, but mostly the white stars avoided the topic. Although Sarah Silverman added a sarcastic swipe about Bond not being street enough, she moved on swiftly.

To ground the issue, Rock interviewed strangers in Compton for an astute pre-recorded segment. A succession of black cinemagoers couldn’t believe Trumbo and Bridge of Spies were real movie titles, but otherwise loved Straight Outta Compton. Shame there wasn’t a permanent reaction camera of the Dolby Theatre.

THE REVENANT DID WELL, BUT SPOTLIGHT WON BEST PICTURE

In addition to Leo’s success, Alejandro Iñárritu made it two years in a row for best director, while Emmanuel Lubezki has now won the best cinematographer trophy in three back-to-back years. Although Spotlight won best original screenplay, it was still a shock that it pipped The Revenant for the best picture trophy, and Michael Keaton looked happiest of them all.

THE YEAR’S WORST CONCERT RESCUED BY LADY GAGA

The Oscars are tone-deaf enough to award Sam Smith’s “Writing’s on the Wall” with best original song, so it’s no surprise the ceremony’s performances were sandpaper for the ears. Smith’s flat rendition of his awful, non-Radiohead Spectre song was mocked beforehand by Sarah Silverman (“I didn’t see it”), then afterwards by Rock (“‘Father Figure’ is my favourite song”). Smith also attracted controversy when incorrectly claiming he was the first openly gay man to win the award (gay Twitter was not happy).

With five nominees in the category, the Academy worsened its reputation by axing the South Korean (Sumi Jo) and trans (Anohni announced her boycott) performers due to time constraints. Thus, The Weeknd’s 50 Shades jam came across decidedly limp. Worst of all was the In Memoriam, made extra painful by Dave Grohl covering “Blackbird” and cementing himself as the annoying guy at a house party who brings his own acoustic guitar.

Only Lady Gaga justified her presence. Nominated for contributing “Til It Happens to You” to The Hunting Ground, a doc about rape on college campuses, she brought onstage survivors of sexual assault. Regardless of whether you like the song, it was a powerful message broadcast to an audience of millions.

LEO FINALLY GOT HIS OSCAR (AND WILL NOW SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT)

And all he had to do was nearly die during production and spend months faking smiles to Oscar voters. Receiving a standing ovation, Leo said more words onstage than in all of The Revenant, and his very fine speech sounded as if he’d been practising it for years in front of a bathroom mirror.

No, he didn’t thank the CGI bear, the dead bison or the internet for campaigning on his behalf. Instead, he trotted out the usual stuff, before making a statement about climate change: “Don’t take this planet for granted. I don’t take this night for granted.” Which means we should want to stop global warming as much as he thirsted for that Oscar. It’s a good motto.

THE ‘THANK YOU’ SCROLL WAS A THANKLESS EXPERIMENT

Perhaps to distract from its own racism, the Academy introduced a scrolling list at the bottom of the TV screen of who the winners wished to thank. Theoretically, speeches would be liberated from droning on with a succession of names, allowing the speaker to say something of interest for a change. But everyone ignored the scroll and stuck to the usual pattern of: “I would like to thank…”

Scanning the list was also a fruitless task as these supposedly innovative artists kept it serious. All there was to learn is to make it to the top, you need exclamation marks in your work emails. I have genuine respect for Alicia Vikander ,who ended her scroll with four exclamation marks. Wimping out with just three, Emmanuel Lubezki compensated with a shout-out to The Beatles(!!!).

THE OTHER WINNERS WERE PREDICTABLE…

Elsewhere, the categories went as expected: Brie Larson (Room) for best actress; Alicia Vikander (The Danish Girl) for best supporting actress; Son of Saul for best foreign-language film (sorry, Mustang); Inside Out for best animated film; Amy for best documentary; Ennio Morricone (The Hateful Eight) for best original score; and, infuriatingly, nothing for Carol. You probably should have put some money on it. 

MOVE OVER OSCAR SELFIE, THERE’S A NEW ANNOYING MEME IN TOWN

Last year, Ellen ruined simple pleasures like ordering pizza and taking a selfie with celebs in the hopes of going viral. Rock’s blemish was to send his daughters into the crowd to sell cookies, creating a weary, extended joke that ran throughout the show. Fun for his family; dull for everyone else.

THE COMEDIANS SHOWED THE ACTORS HOW TO SPEAK LIKE HUMANS

As always, A-list actors stumbled with the autocue (Patricia Arquette’s confused delivery was unfortunate) and the stand-ups fared better by not being monotone robots. Louis CK should probably host next year’s ceremony based on how he went off-script and praised the best documentary short for being the only prize going to someone not obscenely wealthy: “It’s going to give them anxiety for keeping it in their crappy apartment.” (Let’s forget a misfire resurrection of Ali G who made gags about Minions.)

You can check out the full list of winners below:

FULL LIST OF WINNERS: 

Best Picture: Spotlight
Best Director: Alejandro Iñárritu (The Revenant)
Best Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio (The Revenant)
Best Actress: Brie Larson (Room)
Best Supporting Actress: Alicia Vikander (The Danish Girl)
Best Supporting Actor: Mark Rylance (Bridge of Spies)
Best Animated Feature Film: Inside Out
Best Cinematography: Emmanuel Lubezki (The Revenant)
Best Original Screenplay: Tom McCarthy, Josh Singer (Spotlight)
Best Adapted Screenplay: Adam McKay, Charles Randolph (The Big Short)
Best Foreign Language Film: Son of Saul
Best Documentary Feature: Amy
Best Documentary Short: A Girl in the River: The Price of Forgiveness
Best Original Score: Ennio Morricone (The Hateful Eight)
Best Original Song: “Writing’s on the Wall” (Spectre)
Best Animated Short: Bear Story
Best Visual Effects: Mark Ardington, Sara Bennett, Paul Norris, Andrew Whitehurst (Ex Machina)
Best Costume Design: Jenny Beavan (Mad Max: Fury Road)
Best Film Editing: Margaret Sixel (Mad Max: Fury Road)
Best Make-up and Hairstyling: Lesley Vanderwalt, Elka Wardega (Mad Max: Fury Road)
Best Production Design: Colin Gibson (Mad Max: Fury Road)
Best Sound Editing: Mark Mangini, David White (Mad Max: Fury Road)
Best Live-Action Short Film: Stutterer
Best Sound Mixing: Chris Jenkins, Ben Osmo, Gregg Rudloff (Mad Max: Fury Road)