You perpetually find yourself trying and failing to keep up with society’s impossible demands.

Your family are middle-class. Come to think of it, you don’t have any friends who aren’t.

You’d quite like a father figure but frankly, all the men in your life are all socially impregnable middle-aged men.

You can’t help shake the feeling that your life is being romanticised by muffled, impressionistic indie in some way.

Everything feels like it’s moving very slowly. If only the pace of life could pick up a bit, maybe things could be better. Probably not, though.

Your issues with your parents are persistently bubbling under the surface and widely ignored despite affecting most of your social interactions.

You don’t have many close relationships at all. Not authentic ones. At times it feels like you’re quite alone.

That’s not to say there aren’t opportunities for connection – in fact, you frequently find yourself in odd situations with new people – but they’re fleeting and often missed.

Words just don’t do enough. You always sense that what you’re saying to people isn’t really going anywhere. Communication is quite an imposing theme in your world.

That’s all right, though, really. For you, seemingly endless periods of silence will never get old.

Music says what you can’t. Thankfully, there’s that French indie-pop soundtrack that follows you around everywhere you go.

You love using cigarettes and alcohol as a way to let go. There’s probably some metaphor in there but who are you to judge, they’re just fun?

You desire sex but whenever it does happen, you’re left feeling empty. 

For whatever reason, you and everyone you know vaguely reject lifelong monogamy.

Often you can be found lounging around in knickers in your bedroom.

Your safe space is your bed. Why be anywhere when you need to sleep, mope, think and have an existential crisis?

You’re critical of excess and opulence while continually indulging in both of these things on a daily basis.

It’s impossible to explain to anyone, but it feels as though you view life through a coloured filter. It changes depending on your mood: soft peach when you’re feeling dreamy, and hazy blue when you feel lonely. Which, let’s face it, it most of the time.

There’s nothing that can’t be solved with a darkly humorous or poignant one-liner.

You are Kirsten Dunst.