Disney's Frozen is gay propaganda and Spongebob is a junkie. Who knew?
Kevin Swanson, a Christian pastor slash radio host slash all-around arsehole, claimed this week that the Disney film Frozen is "very evil", accusing Disney of being "one of the most pro-homosexual organisations in the country".
Swanson, who believes with all his blackened heart that Christians will be burned at the stake by same-sexers, has said that if he were the devil and wanted to do something "really, really evil to US children", he would have bought Disney back in 1984. Satan investing in entertainment companies? Seems legit!
"You wonder sometimes if maybe there’s something very evil happening here," Swanson said on his radio show. "I wonder if people are thinking: ‘You know I think this cute little movie is going to indoctrinate my five-year-old to be a lesbian or treat homosexuality or bestiality in a light sort of way’.”
Swanson's deranged little diatribe got us thinking – what other conspiracy theories are there that surround kids TV and film? This is what we came up with.
SNOW WHITE IS ACTUALLY ABOUT COCAINE
You thought Snow White was just about the banishment of a beautiful, innocent girl? Wrong. It's actually all about doing coke, say The Conspiracy Zone. Snow White is slang for 'blow' and the dwarfs are said to represent the seven stages of addiction - Happy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey, Bashful and Doc.
THE SMURFS ARE WHITE SUPREMACISTS
Yeah, those little blue guys aren't as sweet as they seem. The Smurfs wear pointed white hats, much like the KKK. The villain of the programme is a money obsessed, long-nosed, dark-haired chap called Gargamel, with a cat called Azrael – the angel of death in Jewish folklore. And they salute like Nazis, too:
WALL-E IS ACTUALLY A CANNIBAL THAT CAUSED THE APOCALYPSE
A Reddit user has claimed that Wall-E ain't the cute little robot he purports to be. No no, this guy has a murky past. Read the theory below:
TOM AND JERRY IS NAZI PROPAGANDA
"'Tommies' were the British soldiers and 'Jerries' the Germans", says pop culture writer Jim McLennan. "I laughed about the coincidence at the time, but I'm not laughing so hard now." McLennan claims that "the most disturbing thing about this theory is that Jerry is the good guy, the peace-loving victim of Tom’s evil schemes, but who usually wins due to his superior intelligence."
EVERYONE IN SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS IS ACTUALLY A DRUG ADDICT
OK, so we've all suspected for a while that Spongebob might be a little stoned. But one cultural thinker, posting on a Matazone forum, has widened his gaze to the entire cast. "I have determined that SpongeBob SquarePants is all about drugs", says Righteous. "(Spongebob) is always really, really happy, energetic and, occasionally, paranoid. If he ever is in a bad mood, it's the result of a major crash. He never just gets mellow then sad. He goes from really happy to really sad or really angry. There's no middle ground."
He then goes on to hypothesise that SpongeBob's starfish BFF, Patrick Star, is a stoner ("he laughs at stupid things and eats all the time") and that Squidward Tentacles is on heroin ("with all his arms, he'd have no problems shooting up"). Also, Mr Krabs is on coke and moonlights as a drug dealer ("he's really uppity and notice how he's always concerned about money... Notice how few people there are in the Krusty Krab. How does he keep his business afloat? It's just a front and a little extra money for Mr Krabb to cover his drug operation").
Do you think Snow White is about coke? Are the Smurfs neo-Nazis? Answers below, please.