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How to be attractive

In the last ever Girl Guide, Casey Jane Ellison from VFILES lays out her tips for total hotness

Can being slutty disrupt the sexual status quo? What does it mean to be a female writer? In conjunction with our Girls Rule issue, some of our favourite artists and writers have been musing on these questions for Girl Guides, our series of how-tos on the state of modern womanhood. In the last instalment, comedian and VFILES star Casey Jane Ellison talks about how to make your own media. #blessed

Born sexy 

First, you must be born with an inalienable sexiness. There’s nothing worse than being born unsexy. I imagine Whoopi Goldberg was born a very sexy baby. Fran Lebowitz, too.  Larry David and probably Barak Obama.  Bill Murray, Yoko Ono, Martin Luther King Jr., Roseanne Barr, Dave Chappelle, Steve Martin, James Gandalfini, Chris Kraus, Jesus, etc... I have never met any of these people, (except in my dreams) but they’re all examples of people I imagine were born with inalienable sexiness. You’ll notice they are all of different race, physical sizes and shapes, creeds, gender, and lack of creeds. Their commonalities include, sense of humor, sense of compassion, and an effective power that defines them.  Also, they possess an enlightened wholeness that doesn’t require your love. Anyway, if you were born unsexy, may God or his sexy son, Jesus help you.

Attractiveness, defined 

To be attractive is very complex. Attractiveness is the quality one possesses which makes one desirable sexually, chemically, intellectually, socially, and/or physically. I’ve actually never been truly attracted to someone because of the way they look unless the way they look reminds me of someone hilarious and so I found them attractive. Like, I have a thing for people who look like Queen Latifah because she’s funny and powerful, so when I see someone who looks like her, my sense memory assumes that they must be funny and powerful. I dated a lot of Queen Latifah-esque men and women to learn that I was type casting them as attractive. Just because someone might look like Queen Latifah, doesn’t make him or her as attractive as Queen Latifah!

When you are attractive, someone wants to capture you or some part of you. Attractiveness is usually acquired by seeming and/or being wonderful, funny, strong, smart and/or punk. You can only attain these qualities by acknowledging your own Pussy Power.

Pussy power

Pussy Power is the strength and magic derived from your own pussy. Men are not excluded from reaching this energy source, but it’s harder for them to access their own Pussy Power because they have penises. I’ve found that acknowledging your Pussy Power helps a lot in any situation. I first discovered my Pussy Power a couple of years ago while standing in line at a camera store. My Pussy Power helped me tremendously in that art jock environment. When you discover your own Pussy Power, you’ll learn that your Pussy Power is enough to make you happy and fulfilled and of course, powerful. This will make you totally attractive. But you’ll most likely not care. 

Side note: Please remember that your pussy is not for sale, unless it is and then that’s totally fine.  

What if you're ugly?! 

You might now be screaming, “I’m wonderful, funny, strong, smart and punk and I’ve fully embraced my Pussy Power, BUT I’M UGLY!” Bitch, that’s just dumb. Whenever I feel ugly, I just Google images from the Hubble Telescope. If you gaze at those images long enough, you’ll realize that, first of all: you are hideous compared to celestial bodies and second: that it doesn’t fucking matter what you fucking look like! EVER! 

Side note: Here are my top five beauty tips. 1) Bathe. 2) If you’re going for the dirty look, don’t bathe. 3) Hair. 4) Lint roll. 5) Time and space don't exist.     

Of course it’s hard to maintain this clarity of consciousness while down on earth feeling fat or zitty especially when you have to get to a job interview and you know you’ll look too goth or ethnic or female to get the job. Girl/Boy, that fucking sucks. BUT! You know you don’t fucking belong there! That ain’t right! ...That ain’t right. 

“Whenever I feel ugly, I just Google images from the Hubble telescope. You’ll realize that you are hideous compared to celestial bodies"

What if you're broke?! 

I’m a capitalist. I didn’t intend to turn out this way as I do wish we could all live happily and equally, not having to work as baristas, but problems arise when we need an artisanal latte. My economic opinions are complex to say the least. I became a capitalist because, like gender roles and bisexuality, this behavior is learned. I’m a product of the society I live in so I can only act within these constructs. That said, being broke is not attractive, but it happens. 

Side note: Finding the right job is a lifelong process and only happens to those who never give up and Lena Dunham. Possessing either of those qualities is very attractive. 

Also, if you are a freegan, I’m not sure this essay applies. 

What if you're crazy?!

Mental health can be very attractive. But mental illness can also be very attractive. It’s the reason we all have a crush on Courtney Love. Most of us are at least a little nuts and thank G because it’s what makes us interesting. Sociopaths, I’m not encouraging you. YOU GUYS suck. 

What if you're addicted to something?! 

Whoa! I know right?! 

Addiction is part of life.  For those of you that don’t have issues with addiction, you are #blessed. Addiction definitely inhibits your Pussy Power and your health and wellbeing, in general. The truth is that sober is hotter. AND! Progress, not perfection is hottest, Cutie. No lie. No lie. No lie-e-i-e-i.

What if you're in a cult?!

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but I cannot offer you any advice on how to be attractive because I don’t know you. You know you though, so that’s pretty cool.  Attractiveness is such a vague idea and there are no studies that measure it, explain it, or even define it. I think about it sometimes because, AS A WOMAN in this society, I’ve learned to be attractive. That influence affects me throughout my day and I wonder if my attractiveness or lack of attractiveness in each individual case changes the course of my career, my ideas, and my life, in general. My point, PEOPLE, is this: No matter how effeminate, ugly, broke, whorish, and/or freegan you are, always always ALWAYS try to look like Queen Latifah.