The big day is upon us: the Platinum Jubilee celebrations on June 5 will mark 70 years since Queen Elizabeth II ascended to the throne. As tradition dictates, patriotic Brits across the nation are expected to commemorate this momentous occasion by stringing frankly heinous bunting up in their gardens, gorging themselves on sausage rolls and getting absolutely leathered by 2pm.

If you’re less of a royalist and more of a republican though, it’s likely you can think of nothing worse than spending the weekend squeezed into a plastic chair in the middle of your street, sharing a store-bought trifle with your gammon neighbour as he bangs on about how much he hates Meghan Markle.

Here, we’ve compiled five ways you can spend the bank holiday if you’re not one of the lost souls camping along the Mall this weekend.

APPRECIATE CORGIS

Perhaps the only good thing about the Queen is her love of corgis. She’s had over 30 in her lifetime! And she’s given them some pretty crazy names too! Monty, Emma, Willow, Holly, and Linnet(?!).

Ngl, if the good people of Great Britain gave me £67 million a year for doing shit all, I too would probably buy a tonne of cute dogs. So if you really must pay your respects to Her Majesty this weekend, admiring the sheer preciousness of corgis isn’t a bad place to start.

WRITE TO YOUR MP ABOUT PRINCE ANDREW

A gentle reminder that the Queen is not a sweet old lady who’s just like your nan. She’s an enabler who forked over £12 million to bail out her alleged sex offender of a son.

Use your time wisely this weekend by drafting a letter to your MP to ask them to find out where exactly that settlement money came from.

CELEBRATE THE REAL QUEENS IN YOUR LIFE

What has the Queen actually done for you? Come to think of it: what has she done at all, besides do racism and live off taxpayers’ money?

It seems a bit pointless to celebrate someone who has done nothing but be born into the House of Windsor – so why not spend the weekend celebrating the people who have actually changed your life in some meaningful way? Like your mum, RuPaul or that girl on TikTok who normalises IBS. You don’t need to throw them a street party with mountains of tasteless beige food strewn atop a heinous Union Jack tablecloth, either – buying them a pint will suffice.

TEAR DOWN ALL THE BUNTING

Bunting is so, so horrible. There’s something about seeing a string of ugly little plastic Union Jacks flapping in the breeze that makes me want to throw up and move country.

Bunting embodies everything that’s wrong with Britain: the clinging on to traditions that should have been left in the 1940s, the tackiness, the racist, BNP vibes that the Union Jack exudes. It’s just awful. Burn it with fire.

DO A LAP AROUND YOUR GARDEN IN MEMORY OF CAPTAIN TOM

It’s what he would have wanted x