Imagining what the ‘Festival of Brexit’ will be like

Brexit is happening this Friday (January 31) and – depressingly – there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. Thanks to his increased Tory majority in the December election, Boris Johnson was able to get his deal through parliament without a hitch, despite the fact that the uncertainty around a future trade deal could cost the UK economy £15 billion by the end of the decade.

As half the country despares, the other half has begun celebrating. Just this week, the treasury revealed the Brexit 50p coin inscribed with, “peace, prosperity, and friendship with all nations” – predictably using the famed “live, laugh, love” font – and there’s due to be a ‘Brexit celebration’ this Friday in Parliament Square with a D-list of speakers, curated by Brexit master puppeteer Nigel Farage.

But there’s also bigger things in the works. You didn’t think Johnson and co would let the biggest moment of their personal and professional existence go by with a whimper? No, it needs to be a spectacle, a celebration, a momentous occasion. Enter the ‘Festival of Brexit’, the government’s £120 million project scheduled for 2022. What exactly does that entail? We outline our predictions below.

BIG BEN WILL CONSTANTLY BONG

Anyone who’s met a right-wing Brexiteer knows that they couldn’t possibly love anything more than the sound of Big Ben bonging. Its chiming sustains their life as much as the beating of their own hearts. For them, not bonging Britain out of the EU is simply an unthinkable and appalling nightmare – so much so that they managed to crowdfund over £100k in 24 hours to ensure it “bonged” on Brexit Day. But as that now looks like it won’t be happening, there will be a near constant Big Ben bong at the Festival of Brexit to compensate. On the hour, every hour.

IT WILL BE SOUNDTRACKED BY MORRISSEY 

Martin Green, the brains behind the ingenious festival, said that he expects to announce a programme for the event near the end of 2021 and that it would involve a “small amount of very large acts”. What this means is that he’s only managed to book one act, and that act is Morrissey – famously among the worst people on the planet, who has hailed Britain’s decision to leave the EU as “magnificent”. This will be a big draw for the Brexit dads.

FARAGE WILL BE THERE ENDLESSLY SINKING PINTS

There’s only one thing that Nigel Farage loves in equal measure to – or possibly more than – Brexit, and that’s sinking pints. He just loves ‘em. When he’s not being enormously racist about people speaking different languages on the train, or nearly being killed in plane crashes, you can be sure to find Farage sinking one (see: several) with the boys. He even managed to take down six cold ones over lunch with the Financial Times – normally the reserve of high-brow profiles of the world’s most influential people. At the Festival of Brexit, Farage will be there doing what he does best. In his Union Jack socks, OFC.

MILKSHAKES WILL BE BANNED

Given the attendance of Mr Farage, you can be assured that no milkshakes will be allowed on the premises. The Brexit Party leader has still not recovered from being drenched in a Five Guys milkshake in Newcastle while out on the European elections campaign trail last summer. The mere sight of a milky beverage is more triggering to him than the concept of freedom of movement. There will, however, be lots of cheese after Johnson declared that veganism is a “crime against cheese lovers” last week. If you want to bring home a nice wedge of Stilton for you mum, remember to bring lots of 50p Brexit coins as they’re the only valid on-site currency.

A JEREMY CORBYN EFFIGY WILL BE BURNED

While the brutal severance of the UK from the tanglings of restrictive EU law is a near-erotic prospect for some right-wing Brexiteers, what gives them almost equal pleasure is their blind hatred of the leader of the opposition, Jeremy Corbyn. He will be present, but in the form of a 10-foot wooden effigy that will be burned as the climax to the event. Demonic chants of “BREXIT, BREXIT” will ring out as the attendees beat their chests and dance around his burning figure. Hanging by his pants from a zip wire, Johnson will declare that he has finally “defeated” Jeremy Corbyn.