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Boris Johnson has joined Snapchat
Via Snapchat @borisjohnsonuk

Everything you can expect to see on Boris Johnson’s Snapchat

Weird hobbies, technological blunders, and... his ex turning up on a beach?

If yesterday’s young Tory video wasn’t cringe enough to make you quit the internet, the news that Boris Johnson has joined Snapchat will surely tip you over the edge. Following in the footsteps of youth favourite Jeremy Corbyn – who joined the platform in 2016 – the prime minister has upped his ‘fellow kids’ game in a desperate attempt to stop the party going extinct.

There’s not a huge amount of personality on Johnson’s page RN, it’s mostly animated stories about getting Brexit done and improving schools. There’s also a personal message urging people to add Johnson on Snapchat “to see what I’m up to as your prime minister”.

The British public has revelled in both Johnson’s dystopian predictions and, err, fish puns, but here’s what they, and you, can expect from his newly-launched, very cool Snapchat account.

HIS EX TURNING UP ON A BEACH?

The Tories released a strange video yesterday announcing the PM’s arrival on Snapchat. Soundtracked by the music widely associated with buff lads in skinny jeans fighting on TV, the clip promises viewers “exclusive content”, inviting them to “go behind-the-scenes… like never before”. This clearly means one thing: Johnson is launching his own reality TV show. Marina Wheeler washing up on the beach, seaweed in her hair, yelling at her ex for mugging her off? Here’s hoping TBH.

WEIRD HOBBIES

When he’s not using the platform to spout lies, Johnson will likely give his loyal viewers an insight into his unusual hobbies. Namely: a Friday night in turning wine boxes into buses (no, that’s not how Jesus did it). In a bizarre interview earlier this year, the prime minister revealed that he supposedly paints happy passengers onto low-emission buses as a method of relaxation. While this is probably a lie – Johnson is more likely to paint people packed like sardines onto overpriced trains running an hour behind schedule – at least these videos wouldn’t need narration by Johnson. Maybe they’d be a strangely captivating form of ASMR. 

BAD JOKES

Boris Johnson absolutely loves banter. That gun joke at the ghoulish pantomime speech in Manchester? Ha! Ha! The one about sending Corbyn into space? Classic. It’s not unreasonable, therefore, to suspect that his Snapchat will be filled with objectively hilarious one liners which mask his dangerous rhetoric and racist beliefs

DICK PICS HE MEANT TO SEND PRIVATELY BUT ACCIDENTALLY MAKES HIS STORY

I’m sorry but it’s an accurate prediction. This is exactly the kind of thing Johnson would do, somehow turning it into a charming anecdote that his right-wing subjects find knee-slappingly hilarious. The Sun’s frontpage would read, ‘Johnson mistakenly posts his Johnson to Snapchat’, with the standfirst: ‘Charismatically naive prime minister accidentally shares a dick pic online, but we’re not complaining ;)’. Kill me.

AND LOADS MORE TECHNOLOGICAL BLUNDERS

Given his history with blunders (getting stuck on a zip wiretaking out a boy during a rugby game), Johnson’s Snapchat will likely be filled with accidental posts, mistaken location sharing, and glitchy videos. Judging by his Instagram, anything Johnson posts will be very ‘your mum using FaceTime’: weird camera angles; raised voices; “is this thing on?”. Unlike veteran Jezza who’s absolutely scalping with Boomerang memes. Although Johnson obviously won’t be completely left to his own devices, as we saw earlier this week the PM’s aids are basically as useless as him, so expect some juicy outtakes. 

TRAD BRITISH SHITE

“Keep Calm and Get Brexit Done.” Johnson listening to Corbyn at PMQs with the caption: “I’d rather be drinking tea and eating biscuits.” Holiday snaps overlaid with the words: “So glad to escape the drizzle in England.” 

DISGUSTING FOOD

In 2008, Johnson shared his diet with the Observer, proclaiming his love of wine (“It doesn’t matter if it’s expensive or not because all wine is good”), birthday cakes for breakfast, and daily litres of Diet Coke. According to his self-declared diet, here’s what the PM will post daily on his Snapchat: 8am push-ups, 10am cold spaghetti, 11am leftovers from his kids’ dinner, 12pm “a few chocolate croissants to keep the wolf from the door”, then absolutely nothing else except Diet Coke for the rest of the day. Delicious!

LOTS OF VIDEOS OF HIM WALKING, APPARENTLY

This is actually what’s on there at the moment. Completely pointless clips trailing after Johnson as he heads to a speech, followed by footage of him walking out of said speech, and a picture of him shaking someone’s hands with the (repeated) caption: “We’re going to get Brexit done”. Wow this exclusive, behind-the-scenes content is really nothing like I’ve seen before!