How to know if you’re stuck in a Boris Johnson-led country

Congratulations to the UK on joining the US in being led by a racist misogynist! After over a month of Tory debates (and weird drug admissions), Boris Johnson has been elected as the Conservative leader, and therefore our new prime minister.

In a bumbling speech, Johnson thanked Theresa May for her service, bafflingly congratulating her on improving mental health services and fighting racial discrimination in the criminal justice system (when in fact the UK is in a mental health crisis, and young black Brits are still unfairly targeted by police). Johnson also went on to claim the Conservatives have the best insights into human nature, give everyone a fair chance in life, and look after the poorest and neediest. Hello police, I would like to report a lie.

As 33 degree sun burns down on our dystopian country, I’m going to outline the key signs that we’re living in a Boris Johnson-led country (AKA hell).  

YOU HAVE AN OVERWHELMING SENSE OF DREAD

One minute after the BBC’s breaking news alert confirmed Johnson’s victory, a friend of mine texted “we gunna die”. If you thought you were already terrified about the future (because, you know, the planet is burning), you probably now feel hopeless – you are staring into the abyss and all you can see is a tuft of blonde hair dangling from a zip wire above London. 

You’re rightly fearful – Johnson’s misinformed reputation as a jovial public figure makes him an incredibly scary leader, one who still garners support in the face of domestic abuse. You are also scared because it suddenly feels like a supply teacher is leading us into our GCSEs. The class doesn’t give AF about politics, Mr Supply has lost control, and it’s becoming blindly obvious that you are, in fact, going to fail.

BIP LING’S ‘BFD’ IS THE NATIONAL ANTHEM

The year is 2020, it’s the semi-finals of the Euros and the England team proudly walk out onto the lush grounds of Wembley Stadium. With their hands resting on the shoulders of kids called Cressida and Fergus Ferguson III, the team begrudgingly begin to sing the national anthem: “Boris Johnson gave me a BJ on my big fat dick.” The crowd goes silent. Prince William, watching pitch-side, weeps. 

BORIS JOHNSON KEEPS TACKLING YOU IN THE STREET

Remember when our prime minister (yuck) wiped out a 10-year-old in a rugby match? Well now you don’t have to remember because it happens to you everyday. As a citizen of the UK, Johnson is legally allowed to tackle you at his convenience. Like jury duty, you might be summoned for a tackling, or – like police stop and searches! – it might be sprung on you. 

Nobody understands why Johnson insisted this be sworn into UK law, but every other Tory MP has quit so there’s no one left in parliament to stop him. The prime minister – presumably tired of playing hide and seek in the House of Commons with just Nigel Farage for company – plays street rugby at least three times a day, using Northern Ireland as a country-sized pitch. He doesn’t discriminate against his targets based on age, and 34 children lose their lives in the tragic scrum-half of 2020.

YOUR HOSPITAL IS SUDDENLY SPONSORED BY SUBWAY® 

Johnson has a fraught history with the NHS, almost going to court for “lying and misleading the British public” after the Leave campaign claimed EU membership was effectively taking £350 million a week from the health service. Even though he ultimately got away with it, Johnson remains vocal about the NHS’s need for reform, and given Trump’s recent “on the table” comment, you can’t rule out Johnson’s support for privatisation.

It’s therefore no surprise that your local hospital is now proudly sponsored by Subway®; there’s one on every floor and Brexit means it’s £30 for a six-inch sandwich. Jeremy Corbyn has been “walloped” by Johnson so many times that 70 per cent of his earnings are spent in Subway®.

PRIME MINISTER’S QUESTION TIME LASTS 24 HOURS

The prime minister takes just one question during PMQs, and gives a 24-hour long response. Johnson’s answer is peppered with ‘uhms’ and ‘ahs’ that last five minutes each. Incorporated into Question Time is Johnson’s stand-up comedy routine – his friends have begun refusing to attend his shows at The Shacklewell Arms – with MPs legally required to laugh. Following his “defeat” of Jeremy Corbyn, the Labour party has been dissolved, and any questions asked of the prime minister must be about the miniature buses he makes out of wooden wine boxes.

ALL YOUR SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS ARE JUST MORRISSEY SONGS

Self-explanatory this one. Morrissey loves the far right, Boris Johnson has links to the far right, “The National Front Disco” is the only song you’ll ever be able to stream again.

ALL YOUR EUROPEAN MATES HAVE DISAPPEARED

Everyone you interact with is either from Radlett or Chertsey now – your Spanish mates were on the first Vueling flight out of Gatwick, and anyone with a granny from Cork got their Irish passport and got the hell out.

Jokes aside, Johnson has been obnoxiously vocal about his ‘do or die’ attitude towards Brexit, affirming that the UK will leave the EU on October 31 no matter what. The prime minister previously said he would scrap Theresa May’s withdrawal agreement, seeking a new deal from the EU, despite the Union confirming its refusal to reopen negotiations just minutes after Johnson’s win. When this phantom deal ultimately isn’t passed, Johnson will proceed with No Deal arrangements.

Yesterday, Tory rebels warned the then-hopeful prime minister that his leadership wouldn’t last long if he continued to charge on with his stubborn No Deal agenda. Chancellor Philip Hammond, justice secretary David Gauke, and former leadership rival Rory Stewart are among a dozen ministers who have declared they will quit the cabinet rather than serve under Johnson, while education minister Anne Milton resigned this morning citing “grave concerns about leaving the EU without a deal” as her reasoning.

The fallout of a No Deal Brexit could include an increase in food prices, no more free healthcare in EU countries, a shortage of medicines, including antidepressants, uncertainty for students studying abroad, and many more shit things.

DEMOCRACY IS DEAD

Following Johnson’s victory, journalist Eve Livingston remarked on Twitter: “as of now literally 0.14 per cent of the UK’s population voted for its prime minister. Fewer than a quarter of A SINGLE PERCENT”. 

After David Cameron resigned in 2016, May became prime minister by default after her final competitor, Andrea Leadsom, quit the race. Forgetting the 2017 election, because May couldn’t garner a majority, Johnson has become the second prime minister not actually elected by the public, meaning democracy has been on hold since Cameron’s majority win in 2015. But just because our leadership electing power has been stripped, we still have the right to protest and have our voices heard – tomorrow (July 24) in central London, thousands will take part in the Fck Govt Fck Boris march to show our new prime minister how we really feel.