Spotify Wrapped ‘sound towns’ just called you the f-slur

Like some sort of feudal overlord, Spotify Wrapped has this year divided the global population into municipalities known as ‘sound towns’. It’s a decision that’s puzzled some and pleased many, seemingly segregating towns by sexuality. By now, you’ll have heard of the big three; Berkeley in California, where demon twinks who blast Caroline Polachek and Charli XCX rub shoulders with Renaissance tour gays and Troye Sivan acolytes; Burlington, Vermont, the home of depressed lesbians who listen to Phoebe Bridgers and Lou Reed; and Cambridge, Massachusetts, where bisexual people of all gender appropriations worship Ethel Cain and boygenius. According to Spotify, these three university towns are the homosexual heartlands of the world, and if you weren’t picked to be in one then you’re just not getting in.

Whether utopian in ambition or an attempt to control population, these new queer capitals have thrown up a number of questions. How are all the gay people in the world meant to fit inside three towns? What do we do when all the non-gay residents who already live there revolt? Will there be a Hunger Games-style reaping every year to encourage discord in the ranks? While there are a lot of socio-political intricacies to iron out before the migration takes place, we hope that Spotify is up for the job of leading us into this new world.

But what about all the straights I hear you say? While a lot of the focus of this year’s Spotify Wrapped has been on the big three gay metropolises, we must spare a thought for the wretched straight towns, who are being completely iced out of the conversation. So, in solidarity with our heterosexual brothers and sisters, we’ve compiled a list of all the straightest towns on Spotify Wrapped, to prove that life’s not all about Berkeley, Burlington and Cambridge.