Hello and welcome to another edition of: my thoughts on men’s weird reactions to Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s “WAP”. Following my critique of Russell Brand’s ‘feminist’ analysis of the track, I’m now turning my attention to Andrew Lloyd-Webber’s deranged TikTok cover. And yes, I’m sorry to say, you read that right.

The Cats and Phantom of the Opera composer has shared a video of himself dancing to “WAP”, before adding his own piano spin on it – a clip that led one TikTok user to comment, “Yea ima need a full version please chief”.

Until the full opera version drops (heinously titled, “WAPera”), here’s my thoughts on Lloyd-Webber’s eight-second “WAP” video.

WHY ISN’T HE DOING THE ‘WAP’ DANCE?

I don’t know who taught Andrew Lloyd-Webber to dance, but they should give him a refund. You can’t do a “WAP” remix and combine it with what can only be described as finger dancing, especially when there’s a choreographed dance that goes with the track. Down on your knees, Webber, shake that ass.

HIS CRITICS ARE COMING OUT IN FULL FORCE

In 2015, Lloyd-Webber – a multimillionaire – notoriously flew from New York to London in order to vote to cut tax credits for the poor. At the time, a spokesperson for ALW said he did this “for democracy”, despite not having voted in two years, and having only voted 30 out of a possible 1,898 times during his 14 years as a Lord. Democracy! Anyway, this is important because it turns out people on TikTok haven’t forgotten about this misdeed, and are dead set on reminding ALW about it in his comments.

“It’s the flying from New York to vote tax cuts for the rich for me,” wrote one user. Another added: “Aren’t you ableist and classist tho?” A third said: “Start paying taxes in the UK <3.” Others have criticised the composer in TikTok duet videos. However, if you happen to comment something positive on the clip, e.g. “Iconic”, “The hero we need AND the hero we deserve”, or “You are the actual king of TikTok!! Everyone needs you”, you’ll get the same response from ALW himself: “Thank you! #TeamALW.”

Just a side note here that Santa Claus’ official TikTok (what???) has commented on ALW’s post, calling his chord progressions “iconic”. What’s happening?

WHAT WOULD A ‘WAPERA’ ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE?

Not to support a multimillionaire or anything, but I’m actually quite into the idea of a “WAPera”. Because people on TikTok have already co-opted ALW’s sound for Halloween content, it would have to be a spooky “WAPera”, and would – obviously – star Cardi and Megan in the leads. I imagine the show like a murder mystery party, which basically uses the set of the actual “WAP” video, but the villains (who are trying to kill Cardi and Megan with their ‘feminist’ analyses, finger dancing, and general bad vibes) are middle-aged men in the public eye. The finale of the “WAPera” sees these men eaten by both Kylie Jenner and the big cats in the video. Sorry Carole Baskin.

WHAT’S UP WITH THOSE CURTAINS, KING?

Lloyd-Webber has multi-coloured curtains that look like a selection of my mum’s scarves sewn together. Is money tight, king? Are your curtains actually Joseph’s amazing technicolour dreamcoat? Close your eyes, draw back the curtains (aah-ah-aah), and give us the rest of the “WAPera”.