Everyone you’re going to meet at Coachella 2020

We’re just three days into 2020, but everyone is already thinking about festival season – and by that I mean, Coachella.

The line up for this year’s event dropped today, and the general consensus is that it rules. From headliners Travis Scott and Frank Ocean, K-pop heavyweights BIGBANG, sad girl fav Lana Del Rey, and Japanese virtual megastar Hatsune Miku, there’s something for literally everyone.

Such a diverse mix of artists will undoubtedly come with a weird demographic of festival goers – will viral TikTok-ers show up to dance to Doja Cat’s “Candy”? Will Megan Thee Stallion’s thots make this the hottest of Hot Girl Summers? Will EDM lads gurn into another dimension to Fatboy Slim’s “Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat”?

In honour of today’s line up announcement – and because it will probably take you three months to prepare your brain for the amount of Instagram bullshit you’ll see at Coachella – here’s everyone you’ll meet at the festival.

HOT GIRL SUMMER THOTS 2.0

As 2018’s World Cup fever came to a close, Hot Girl Summer (HGS) took over for 2019, and is set to make a return in 2020 as Megan Thee Stallion is bringing her heat to Coachella. Having trademarked the phrase in July last year, this festival season you can expect Hot Girl Summer thots in not only flower crowns and tiny denim shorts, but branded HGS t-shirts (cropped, obvs), and cowgirl hats. And – because Megan is a hard-working uni student – you can expect some thoughtful literary IG captions with those gloriously thotty pics. With just a few months to go, here’s how to join the movement and become a HGS thot just in time for Coachella. Tina Snow is Tina Sun.

EVERY K POP STAN ON THE WEST COAST AND BEYOND

V.I.P – assemble! BIGBANG are back, with the first official news of their return since they went on hiatus four years ago. Last year saw BLACKPINK make history as the first K-pop band to take Coachella, so expect the devoted fan armies to descend once more on Coachella turf as they rally for complete world domination. Expect swathes of people of all ages doing perfectly executed, fully memorised dance routines, tweens rapping triple-time in Korean, and screaming so loud you’ll ascend to another astral plane.

WEEBS

Normies exit the moshpit, weebs rise up: vocaloid megastar Hatsune Miku is one of the biggest surprises on this year’s line up – (blue) wig! The virtual idol was first created by Japanese software developers at Crypton Future Media way back in 2007 as vocaloid software. Over the years, anyone with the software has been able to produce a track with her, and around the songs, a fandom has formed for the blue pigtailed girl. And you bet they’re tearing themselves away from VocaVerse and Crunchyroll to back our virtual queen. 

Miku has sold out shows across the world, collaborated with Pharrell, and opened for Lady Gaga on her ARTPOP tour. She has over 100,000 songs in her discography and a globe-spanning number one album, done a spread in Japanese Playboy, and gone to space twice. Naturally, we stan.

Drop the flower crowns, and get the blue anime girl wigs on. Forget Beychella, it’s… Coachiku? Hatsunella? 

INTERNET SAD GIRLS

Taking a break from posting on Tumblr, internet sad girls will be out in full force at Coachella 2020, with Frank Ocean – provided he doesn’t cancel – FKA Twigs, and Lana Del Rey bringing just enough melancholy to pry the sad girls from their Instagram zines. Recognised by their floaty dresses, straw hats, and ability to speak in 280 characters, you’ll catch them at the front of the pit, crying and tweeting: “Lana just gets me”.

TIKTOK ADDICTS AND INFLUENCERS

Lil Nas X is gonna take his horse to Coachella 2020, and you can bet the whole of TikTok will be there for the ride. After finding viral fame on the video sharing platform, the rapper became a chart-topping artist whose track “Old Town Road” dominated last summer, even becoming the longest-running number one ever. Lil Nas X’s TikTok-ers will be dressed head-to-toe in cowboy gear, won’t know any other artist else there, and will probably bring some kind of Area 51-themed sign. Also bringing the TikTok addicts and influencers is Doja Cat, whose performance of “Candy” will see the festival site become one big flash mob as teens all over the festival site perform the now-viral dance that accompanies the song on TikTok.

YOUR EX

It’s a scientific fact that wherever Brockhampton go, your ex goes. Dressed in a white graphic t-shirt, baggy acid-wash jeans, and a cap that reads, “brand”, you’ll bump into him smoking a rollie and desperately – but poorly – attempting to chat up one of the internet sad girls (see: above) who’s just finished crying over Frank Ocean’s performance of “Thinkin Bout You”. Polaroid camera in hand, he spots you, panics, and quickly turns away to continue his conversation about how he thinks it was “a bit harsh that Ameer was kicked out to be honest, bro...” – EEK. 

REDDIT’S POPHEADS LURKERS

The users of Reddit’s best pop music page are tearing themselves away from arguments about Tinashe and analysis of Rihanna’s Instagram posts for one event only, now that Kim Petras, Charli XCX, Carly Rae Jepsen, and Marina are on the line up, and the ‘come to Brazil!’ crowd are booking those flights for Pabllo Vitarr and Anitta of course. 

The Venice Bitch lifestyle is on hold for the /r/popheads lurkers, as they save for both weekends (you can bet they’re going twice). Catch them at the barriers with their original CRJ Tug of War-era merch tees, howling for the “Click” live collab with Charli, Kim, and Carly we all need. But all these artists across three separate days? 911 – I’m reporting homophobia.