Kristoffer Borgli’s new psychological-romantic comedy, The Drama, asks if we can handle knowing the worst thing a person has ever done and continue to love them despite it. This is a difficult question to handle interpersonally, and even harder to deal with in the digital age, where your worst mistakes can live online forever, haunting you until the day you die (or at least until people forget you exist). We live in a society that loves to relish in other people’s mistakes. It allows us to feel morally superior, even though we are all flawed, disgusting, gross human beings, capable of causing each other great harm. We often have to hide those parts of ourselves, in fear that we will scare the ones we love the most away. 

However, after I left The Drama, I found myself wanting to know people more intimately – flaws and all – and to confess my worst to them, too. So below, we’ve asked friends, strangers and Dazed readers to anonymously confess the worst things they’ve ever done, which range from the righteous to the deplorable, the not-that-deep to the genuinely quite troubling. Now, thanks to this listicle, these poor souls are finally unburdened. Hallelujah!

THE CHICKEN STRANGLER 

“I drowned my pet chicken in a bucket of water in the garden.” 

THE BIOLOGICAL TERRORIST

“I once had a really horrible flatmate, and before I moved out, I swirled her toothbrush in her toilet.”

THE CHARITY SKATE SCAMMER 

“I did a sponsored roller skate for Help The Aged, but didn’t do the event and just kept the money.”

THE MODERN DAY ROBIN HOOD

“I told a clothing company my dad was recently hospitalised and on his deathbed so I could get a refund. And it worked!”

THE FIRE STARTER 

“I was on the dance floor with friends – it was packed, the music was loud, and everyone was sweaty and hot. At one point, this girl kept barging into my friend over and over again. It was aggressive enough that it stopped feeling accidental. After a while, I lost patience. Without making a scene, I casually dropped my lit cigarette into her handbag while she was dancing. We slipped away and repositioned ourselves on the other side of the floor as if nothing had happened.”

A VERY GREEDY INDIVIDUAL

“I slept with two different men within the same hour. I’ve told neither of them, and one of them is now my boyfriend.”

#BALD ❤️

“My roommate was racist to me so I put Nair hair removal cream in her shampoo #noregrets.”

THE PUR-VERT

"When I was like 14 I used to spray whipped cream on my balls and get my mom’s cat to lick it off.”

KEEPING IT IN THE FAMILY 

“Fucked my boyfriend’s brother :)”

THE DRUG KING-PIN

“As a teenager, I once sold an annoying girl I knew a ‘gram of coke’ for £40 that was actually crushed-up paracetamol. Afterwards, I freaked out that she would have a seizure after snorting it. But not only did I fail to confess, even after she became suspicious and confronted me, I also continued to insist it was the finest Bolivian marching powder.”

THE ZERO UBER RATING

“My boyfriend’s best friend secretly fingered me in the backseat of a taxi while my boyfriend was in the passenger seat.” 

A BRUSH WITH DEATH

“I drove back from a famed UK music festival still unfit to drive, hit a man off his motorbike and he was in a coma for eight months (he survived, though).”

THE STRAIGHT SHOOTER 

“I knowingly slept with people who had partners. One time, I slept with someone who I didn’t know had a partner. They stopped us mid-intercourse, said they were taken and were now doubting their actions. I said, ‘You’re not special, this scenario is not special, we should at least finish.’”

FORGIVE ME, FATHER...

“I got drunk and kissed my dad.”

SPECIAL DELIVERY!

“On the way home after a big night, I shat myself a little bit, and put the poo on someone’s doorstep (Amhurst Road).”

BUSY NIGHT

“The messiest thing I have ever done is fucking my boyfriend’s best friend and his cousin in the same night.”

MOVE ON, GIRL...

“I still track my ex on Find My Friends – we broke up 10 years ago.”

THE CLASS TRAITOR 

“One time I accidentally snipped the thread of a garment during a quality control check. I was new and lowkey blamed it on one of the tailors. The tailor was let go. To this day I can't look at crochet without becoming queasy.”