A year and a half after we had stopped talking, I spotted a former friend at King’s Cross station. She hadn’t spotted me amid the crowds of tourists, and I knew I had about five seconds to decide whether to approach her. As she wandered past, oblivious to my presence, I couldn’t bring myself to call her name. There was too much history and pain there, and I couldn’t think of anything to say. It was then that I had both the sinking realisation and profound acceptance that the friendship was truly over.

Friendship breakups are incredibly common – studies show that around 70 per cent of close friendships end after seven years – and yet there is little guidance available on how to navigate them. It’s a stark contrast to the way breakdowns of romantic relationships are treated in culture; there are innumerable books, films, and TV shows dedicated to unpacking the pain of heartbreak (there’s probably a Sex and the City episode for every flavour of dating turmoil imaginable). 

“Romantic relationships have long been a central focus of psychological research, popular culture, counselling, and self-help literature; they are widely recognised as a life transition with established language, rituals – such as break-up conversations – and social norms around grieving and recovery,” Dr Jenny van Hooff, a sociologist at Manchester Metropolitan University, tells Dazed. “By contrast, friendship breakups are often minimised or dismissed in both academic and everyday discourse, which means there is less culturally sanctioned language and fewer models for grieving them. As a result, people may struggle to validate their own pain.”

As a result, navigating a friendship breakup can be a disorienting experience. Krystal, 29, experienced the conflicting feelings following a recent friendship breakup. “I didn’t feel emotionally safe with her anymore, even though she had the best intentions,” she says. “After ending the friendship, I saw her outside a party. She came to talk to me, and she looked so sad. It made me feel sad [...] drawing boundaries is actually really hard, it makes you feel horrible. But if I forgive them and continue the friendship, that’s self-betrayal.” 

Despite our culture being amatonormative – that is, romantic-relationship-centric – our friendships are central to our lives. “Close friends often provide ongoing support, shared history, mutual trust, identity affirmation and a sense of belonging,” says Dr van Hooff. “When a friendship ends, it is not only the loss of contact with another person that hurts, but also the loss of routines, companionship and emotional scaffolding that the relationship provided.” 

It doesn’t help that we are taught to fight for our romantic relationships, but let go of our friendships at the first sign of trouble. In recent years, toxic pseudo-therapy-speak has become popular on TikTok, which tells you that all your friends are secretly jealous of you, everybody who you’ve argued with is a narcissist, and that you must ‘protect your peace’ at all costs – meaning you must purge your friendship group at any sign of conflict until there is almost no one left. This kind of attitude, of course, often isn’t conducive to a happier, healthier life.

When a friendship ends, it is not only the loss of contact with another person that hurts, but also the loss of routines, companionship and emotional scaffolding that the relationship provided

“Unlike some romantic breakups, friendship endings often happen without discussion (ghosting is common), leaving people with unresolved emotions and questions about why the connection dissolved,” Dr van Hooff says. It can be a deeply dysregulating feeling, to no longer be able to share intimate parts of yourself with friends who once knew you better than anyone – and to experience a palpable void in your life that was once filled with their presence. 

Nothing can take the sting out of a friendship breakup, but there are ways to make navigating them a little easier. Rick Cox, a psychodynamic psychotherapist focused on emotional patterns and relationships, suggests how to best approach our own difficult emotions. “What helps is shifting focus from ‘why did this happen?’ to ‘what is this bringing up in me?’,” he says. This can include noticing feelings, how they show up in the body, and any pull toward self-criticism or avoidance. “Staying with that experience, rather than resolving it too quickly, tends to restore a sense of internal steadiness,” he continues. “If contact is possible, clarity is usually more regulating than silence. If not, the task becomes tolerating the lack of closure while gradually re-establishing a sense of self outside the relationship.”

Sometimes, while painful in the short term, a friendship breakup can be for the best in the long term. Jasmine, 28, recently ended a long-term friendship due to opposing views. “Growing up with someone is such a blessing, but I don’t think I ever took the time to think about whether we’d be friends now if we’d met,” she explains. “After time, I realised that she wasn’t who I thought she was. I still miss her friendship now, but I’m at peace with what happened.”

Healthy friendships are crucial to our well-being and require patience, maturity and some level of conflict-resolution. In Charli xcx’s song “Girl, So Confusing”, she addressed her rumoured feud with Lorde by inviting the singer to ‘work out’ their issues on the remixed version of the song. This rare moment of vulnerability around women’s broken friendships set the internet ablaze, as people across the world felt ‘seen’ by two influential women in pop discussing a topic so relatable yet rarely seen in pop culture narratives. 

We should be able to trust our own discernment when it comes to navigating difficult dynamics in friendship, with respect for ourselves as well as others, and be able to set necessary boundaries. But we should also deeply value our friendships, and those who show up for us with sincerity and love, without being so quick to throw them away over petty disagreements. It’s a complicated line to tread. “There’s encouragement to cast the dumped friend as a villain, but we are all responsible for all of our relationships,” Dr Van Hooff says. “We should definitely be mindful that ‘speaking our truth’ may be incredibly damaging to the other person, and bear their well-being in mind too.”