On paper, being a people-pleaser sounds great. Making other people happy? Doing pleasing things and everyone is pleased with you? Sign me up. 

But the thing is – and I was as shocked as you – people-pleasing doesn’t actually mean doing nice things or being considerate. No. It is booting down your own boundaries regularly because they matter to you less than someone else’s wishes. It’s erasing your needs because you think they make you difficult, and difficult people don’t deserve love. It’s shrinking yourself until you are a servant of their comfort and not much more besides. 

People-pleasing isn’t uncommon, especially not in our shame-driven and punitive society. In this world, it can feel like protection against abandonment and pain. Many of us have even experienced a relationship or romance crashing down after the other person realised that we were real and imperfect and not automatons designed simply to make their life easier. But the thing is, these kinds of relationships need to end, and we as people in the dating pool need to be exposing potential partners to the messy, lovely reality of who we actually are. That’s the only way we can know if they’re actually up to the task of being with us, or will only waste our time and hurt our feelings. People-pleasing delays this reality.

People-pleasing is also a very ineffective way to build a relationship. It’s feeding someone false information and then expecting them to somehow get to know the real you

The other thing about people-pleasing is that it’s actually not very pleasing for the other person at all. Having someone scan your every expression for flickers of disapproval that they can attach to and attempt to fix – it’s a lot. It feels like someone is trying to control your reactions and your reality, massaging it all so that they might be made safe from judgment and shame (judgment and shame that has only really been coming from inside them). It’s one thing to want to please the person you’re dating and to enjoy it when they’re happy – it’s another when it’s a compulsion, and when the idea of doing anything wrong or displeasing is unbearable. 

As well as being quite annoying, people-pleasing is also a very ineffective way to build a relationship. It’s feeding someone false information and then expecting them to somehow get to know the real you. It’s like trying to help someone solve a puzzle but instead of handing them pieces, you’re handing them little notes that say “are you still having a good time?”. You can have empathy for yourself while still understanding that this is madness and it will not work. You will at best leave a pleasant but faint impression in their memory while they go in search of a person that they can actually know and love.

So cut it out! But how?

Well, it’s a slow and compassionate process and one you shouldn’t rush. Still, you might as well start. Take things slow. Consider your impulses toward them for more than one moment before acting. Bounce things off friends. Ask “am I doing this because it’s in my character and I have the bandwidth, or do I think if I don’t do it I will be punished?”. Go easy on the gifts and favours in the early days. Help them when you can, but don’t solve their problems from the jump. Compromise on plans and meals and shared experiences, but don’t put yourself second each and every time. If they love football but it bores you to tears, go occasionally but find something else to bond over. If you don’t agree, don’t say you do. 

Re-establish contact with the part of yourself that wants, that has opinions and preferences and tastes. What pleases you? What is sexy and interesting and enjoyable to do with another person? Find out

It also matters that you re-establish contact with the part of yourself that wants, that has opinions and preferences and tastes. What pleases you? What is sexy and interesting and enjoyable to do with another person? Find out. When you’ve just met someone, try and table the question of “but do they like me?” until you’ve actually found out if you like them. Dates are not auditions for your worthiness. They are opportunities to have fun, talk to a new person, and maybe put your pants on their bedroom floor. 

Another way to stop automatically pleasing others is to spend your energy pleasing yourself. If YOU like to catch up between dates, then catch up between dates. If YOU prefer not to endlessly text, then call them up and tell them. If YOU want to know something, ask. If YOU think someone ignoring your messages for days is rude then act accordingly and don’t go out with that person anymore. 

People-pleasing can feel like protection against conflict and hurt, but actually, healthy conflict is a part of being safe in a relationship with someone else who is also safe with you. It’s a way of saying “we’ll try to understand one another even if it’s hard” and “we’re going to matter the same amount here”. It isn’t always pleasant and there will be times when neither of you are thrilled. But what’s the alternative? Always trying to shoulder two people’s displeasure, divorcing your own needs and never really giving yourself a chance to be known? I don’t think that sounds pleasing – for anyone involved – at all.

Read more of our ‘How To Date When...’ series here.