I’m doing my nightly scroll on TikTok one Tuesday when I discover a phrase I’ve never heard before, but feels distinctly familiar: relationship OCD (ROCD). Soon – as is so often the case on TikTok – my algorithm is full of videos exploring the topic. One user is explaining how they struggle with needing ongoing reassurance in their relationship; another is saying they avoid dating altogether because they experience so much fear around it. It’s clear this is a mounting problem – and one many of us have been struggling with for some time now.

ROCD is a subtype of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and refers to “an excessive and impairing level of fixation and preoccupation with one’s relationship or the quality of the relationship,” according to Sheva Rajaee, founder and director of the Center for Anxiety and OCD and author of Relationship OCD. As a long-term sufferer of OCD, it’s important to point out that this is a debilitating and largely misunderstood mental illness, as well as one that takes many forms – in other words, it’s not just ‘the cleanliness disorder’ it’s usually misunderstood as.

As I’ve found, OCD thrives on an inability to cope with uncertainty – and relationships (particularly at the beginning) are full of uncertainty. “Like all forms of OCD, ROCD is defined by three core features: intrusive, unwanted and distressing thoughts or doubts (obsessions), repetitive behaviors or mental acts aimed at reducing distress or gaining certainty (compulsions), and significant suffering, functional impairment, or excessive mental preoccupation,” explains Ran Littman, a clinical psychologist specialising in relationship OCD. These ‘obsessions’ might look like constant worrying about whether you’re in the right relationship or are in love ‘enough’ with your partner. It can also manifest through feelings of intense anxiety over whether your partner loves you enough, and if they are going to leave you.

The compulsions that follow can vary, but reassurance seeking – such as asking questions, like “do you still love me”, or fixating on their behaviour, such as a lack of texting one day – is common. You may also find yourself internally ruminating rather than seeking external validation; either way, these compulsions seek temporary comfort and certainty, but really just perpetuate a seemingly never-ending cycle and cause more long-term distress (often for both parties).

For 30-year-old Cara*, ROCD has put considerable strain on her current relationship. “It’s horrible when it ruins what should be nice moments. I’ve been at concerts or holidays and the intrusive thoughts have made it so that while I’m physically there, mentally I’m miles away and have a problem being present,” she tells me. “It’s also hard not being able to ‘trust my gut’, because my gut is always all over the place or acting out of fear.” While her partner is supportive, “it’s only natural for them to think they’ve done something wrong or to just feel horrible that they’re making you so upset.”

Anything I can possibly catastrophise, I will. I need a lot of affection and attention to feel valued and content

28-year-old Amy’s* ROCD, meanwhile, centres around catastrophising that something bad is bound to happen with her partner. “Maybe he’s going to die in a terrible accident on the way to work, or perhaps he’s slightly late because he’s having an affair. Anything I can possibly catastrophise, I will,” she explains. “I need a lot of affection and attention to feel valued and content.”

ROCD can be triggered by a number of things. While I’ve found it helpful to see other sufferers speak frankly about their experiences of ROCD on social media, I’m conscious that there’s a lot of content on platforms like TikTok which can exacerbate things too. “Social media, dating apps, and constant exposure to curated snapshots of others’ lives can easily feed fears of missing out and preoccupation with alternatives, which are central themes in ROCD,” says Littman. Videos such as the ones that tell you ‘if your man does XYZ [think: not text you good morning or buy you flowers every single day] means he hates you’ can perpetuate ROCD fears and the need for reassurance.

Other triggers can include past traumas (mine, for example, started after an ex’s toxic behaviour, which was paired with my predisposition for other OCD subtypes), as well as new relationships or life changes that feel extra important. “ROCD tends to surface when something starts to matter: early attraction, commitment, moving in, marriage, children, midlife reckoning. The higher the stakes, the louder the demand for certainty,” explains psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber.

Treatment for ROCD is multi-faceted, with therapy with a psychologist who specialises in OCD often being the first port-of-call, often paired with certain medications like antidepressants. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) are both regularly used. Exposure therapy (ERP) – which Cara has found to be most effective – is typically considered the gold standard for OCD these days, despite being deeply uncomfortable to begin with. “It involves deliberately and gradually confronting feared thoughts, images, or situations related to the relationship while refraining from reassurance, checking, or mental analysis,” says Littman. “Over time, this weakens the obsessive-compulsive cycle and allows people to engage more fully in their relationships.”

As well as therapy and medication, the things I’ve found to be most useful in dealing with symptoms of ROCD are certain self-regulation tools. I try to sit still with my anxieties, feel them and let them pass – no matter how scary. Over time, this takes away their power and allows me to focus on the real relationship in front of me. Journalling has also helped, as has joining support groups online. I also try to be wary of my ‘gut’ and understand the difference between listening to my intuition and my anxieties when it comes to my relationships, which people with OCD can often mix up. “I advise clients to view their gut response with caution and to work on regulating before making big decisions about their relationships. Once their anxiety is better managed, they may learn to discern between anxious messages versus the calmer, less urgent voice of intuition,” recommends Rajaee.

I’ve also come to learn that the most successful recovery from ROCD happens when there’s a duality in the self-work and being with a supportive, patient partner who will hold your hand along the way. Someone kind, understanding and non-judgmental (who also won’t weaponise my mental health, and will always acknowledge real relationship concerns) is a non-negotiable for me. That said, it’s crucial not to treat a partner as a built-in therapist or put too much pressure on them. An unhealthy amount of reassurance seeking or vocalising every fear that pops into your head will not lead to recovery. “A good ROCD partner is not someone who enables and gives in to every request for reassurance,” Rajaee surmises. “But rather, someone who supports you as you do the difficult task of tolerating the unknown at the heart of all relationships.”

*Name has been changed