Five months ago, 24-year-old Cate* got out of a relationship with someone who was, on several accounts, very different from her. Though she and her ex-boyfriend shared some similarities, there were evident disparities, the most obvious of which were their attitudes towards style. Cate cared about putting effort into the way she looked, and wanted her partner to feel the same. Her ex, on the other hand, had a more just-rolled-out-of-bed approach to getting dressed, even on their first date, on which he wore a T-shirt and jeans (both unwashed). Despite what she interpreted as a lack of effort on his part, the pair ended up dating for three years, during which Cate, in her view, greatly improved his look. “By the end of our relationship, that was a reformed man,” she says. “The haircut, everything, looked a little more put together.” 

Today, Cate’s dynamic with her ex is what many on the internet (and even she herself) would call a “swag gap” relationship. It’s a half-satirical, half-serious, and entirely viral term that’s come to define relationships in which one partner is visibly, well, swaggier than the other. The phrase refers to an imbalance in dress, yes, but also a perceived imbalance in coolness. It’s not the only uneven relationship type that’s garnered attention this year, either. Intelligence gaps, party gaps, and even “shrekking”, an act in which you date someone viewed to be below your standards, find themselves among 2025’s most memorable phrases. 

Discrepancies in relationships are nothing new. From nerd and athlete to good girl and bad boy, popular media has countless examples of the “opposites attract” trope. These days, though, it seems that our preoccupation with couples that, in one way or another, do not “match” is higher than ever. Google Trends data from the year shows that search interest in the term “swag gap” rose 100 per cent from September to October, while the same was true for “intelligence gap” from October to November. And on TikTok, there’s ample content about “gap” relationships, which many seem to think should be avoided at all costs. So, is there any merit to these warnings? And even if there is, why do we suddenly care so much?

Firstly, it’s important to state the obvious: not all gaps are created equal. Age gaps, for example, have always existed, and with varying levels of social acceptance. While recent romance films like Babygirl, The Idea of You and A Family Affair show an on-screen interest in these relationships, real-life reception to these couples isn’t always as warm, especially as age gaps have, justifiably, started to come under harsher scrutiny. (The reaction to Billie Eilish’s 2022 Halloween costume with ex-boyfriend Jesse Rutherford, then 31, comes to mind.)

Elsewhere, party gap relationships, which occur when one person goes out more than the other, represent a tangible difference in lifestyle. If you enjoy being in bed by seven and your partner loves all-night raves, it’s not hard to imagine how that could prove challenging over time. With chasms such as intelligence gaps, though, there’s more room for subjectivity. How does one actually measure intelligence? Is it by holding a certain degree? Having an encyclopedic knowledge of arthouse films? As Dazed editor Serena Smith pointed out earlier this year, this gap can have more to do with privilege than with an actual difference in intellect. 

While swag gaps may be the most subjective (and ridiculous-sounding) of them all, they’re also the most layered. A word that, in the 18th century, was originally used to describe stolen goods, has now come to describe a distinct sense of self-confidence; swag is a slippery, elusive thing that can’t be clearly defined. Cate, for example, interprets swag as something that, aside from just your appearance, also manifests in your body language, attitude, and, most importantly, your ability to show a genuine interest in others, including your partner. These were all traits she feels her ex, in addition to a sense of style, lacked. “He all of a sudden lost all general manners and personality around people that couldn't give him clout, which to me, is swag-less,” she says.

It's almost like social media becomes our friends and family, commenting on how different our relationships are. I think over time, that can eat a person alive

Regardless of their origins, it’s clear that “gap” language is resonating. According to internet culture reporter Kate Lindsay, this fits into the broader trend of our obsession with naming things online. “In the past five or so years, we just love terms for things,” she says. “I think it could help us feel like what we're doing or what we're going through makes sense.” This reasoning checks out. As Lindsay says, “if there’s a word for it, you feel less alone.”

Beyond the clicky names, though, gap relationships, just like their fellow internet monikers, signify something deeper. Devyn Simone, a matchmaker and dating coach, attributes our current fixation with gaps to younger generations becoming more intentional and more specific about their dating needs. “Particularly, if we're talking about Gen Z or even Millennials, we're seeing a little bit more thoughtfulness and analysis around pairing up versus generations past,” says Simone. Psychotherapist Lisa Chen, on the other hand, feels that the political instability we're currently witnessing in America is a factor that’s creating little tolerance for gaps. “This type of uncertainty encourages a psychological phenomenon of sameness,” says Chen. “We want people who are very similar to us. And then, the differences that we see in other people end up feeling like huge gaps.” 

Perhaps the most obvious reason we’ve never been more obsessed with gaps is simply that we’ve never been more obsessed with each other. In a time when perception and performance are paramount, not even our relationships are spared from omnipresent scrutiny. As well-documented by this year’s viral “Is having a boyfriend embarrassing?” discourse, the outside world’s interpretation of our romantic relationships has become inextricably tied to how we ourselves feel about them. You’re not only in bed with your partner, but with your followers, their followers, and whoever else might catch glimpses of your relationship online. “It's almost like social media becomes our friends and family, commenting on how different our relationships are,” says Chen. “I think over time, that can eat a person alive.” 

And eat it does. Erin*, a 24-year-old living in New York City, says her last relationship ended because of a swag gap. Like Cate, this gap appeared not just in their style, but in “aura.” (Erin’s ex-boyfriend would follow her so blindly to the point that, when she moved to Los Angeles for two months, he joined her for half her stay, simply because he didn’t have anything else going on.) Because she was in love, Erin didn’t recognise the gap at the time, and her family and friends never let her forget it. “I didn't see it, but people would tell me about it all the time,” she says. “I could not escape from it. They’d be like, ‘Do you know that you guys don't match?’”

Though gap language provides a tool for processing past relationships, it’s also become another way for us to comment on each other’s lives. Naturally, our community wants the best for us; in most cases, they’re often right, and we’re left head-scratching, wondering what we were ever doing with that person in the first place. Still, it’s worth asking: is the issue in your relationship the gap, or your fear of what others think of it? Plus, as Kate Lindsay notes, the complexity of human connection means it can’t always be neatly categorised, or distilled down into written-out character traits. “So much about what makes relationships work, meeting someone, and having a spark is fundamentally unexplainable.”

*Name has been changed