23-year-old Amelia* says she was definitely the “more intelligent one” in her past relationship. “We were very different,” she reflects. While she was inquisitive and curious, her partner, by contrast, was more closed-minded. “I read the news and whenever I did he’d say something like, ‘I can’t believe you’re someone who reads the news’.”

Many of us, like Amelia, have been in relationships with people who weren’t the brightest of bulbs. Innumerable hopeful singles have doubtless felt their romantic dreams wither and die while sitting across from someone who has just openly professed to not knowing who Keir Starmer is. Equally, many of us have experienced the flip side of this too, and dated walking encyclopedias who can do maths without the Calculator app and actually understand James Joyce. Of course, every couple has to navigate differences – often they can be a source of excitement and healthy friction in a relationship – but is a yawning chasm between two partners’ intellects too fundamental a disparity? 

It’s worth caveating, first of all, that defining what constitutes ‘intelligence’ isn’t straightforward. It’s perhaps best understood as a curious, open-minded approach to life, notably distinguishable from merely being ‘knowledgeable’. For instance, a physics whizz might not know Salman Rushdie from Sally Rooney, but they might still resonate with their bookish partner’s passion for learning. By contrast, however, an inquisitive individual might feel bored with a partner who lacks basic curiosity about the world around them.

Amelia’s ex, for instance, wasn’t merely uninterested in current affairs – his lack of curiosity extended to the emotional world of their relationship, too. “When I talk about intelligence, I’m also talking about emotional intelligence and the maturity that comes with that,” Amelia says. “If there were issues that needed to be brought up in the relationship, he would often become defensive.”

The intellectual mismatch also had an impact on the couple’s sex life. “If you can’t communicate as a couple, the sex just goes,” she continues. “And in the long run, physical attraction wears out – you need more things to keep the spark going. Being able to speak about things on the same level really helps.”

This tracks with recent research that has found men who are bad at providing both practical and emotional support – manchildren, if you will – can negatively impact their female partners’ libidos. “Intimacy and sexuality can be disrupted if the relationship dynamic feels infantilising,” says Dr Jenny van Hooff, a sociologist at Manchester Metropolitan University. “A so-called mismatch might generate power imbalances, where one partner feels patronised or the other feels inadequate. When roles slip into parental modes, for example, this can unsettle norms of equality and reciprocity — values central to contemporary couple ideals.” (Though she caveats that “some couples actively eroticise these power roles”, as in BDSM partnerships.)

While it’s difficult to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship if one party seriously lacks emotional intelligence, as is often the case in romantic partnerships, it’s possible to overcome any perceived differences with solid communication. Amelia decided to call it quits with her ex, but 26-year-old India* is currently in what she believes to be an intelligence-gap relationship. “I’m the dumb one,” she jokes. “Not to disrespect myself, but my boyfriend is definitely a lot more intellectual than I am.” She explains that while he and his family are “cultured” and well-versed in history, art, literature, and cinema, she considers herself less so.

How can you ever catch up with someone who has been raised in a completely different environment to you?

Around the dinner table, India says, her partner’s family will talk at length about high-brow topics such as “movements in art and literature”, which leave her slightly at sea. “They’re great people – so kind and welcoming – but I do feel insecure sometimes. Often I have no fucking clue what they’re talking about.”

Both of India’s partner’s parents went to university and worked in the culture sector – a far cry from India’s own upbringing in rural Yorkshire. “I went to a very bad school, my parents didn’t go to university, and they weren’t very interested in art or literature or anything like that,” she recalls. “This isn’t me slating my parents or anything – it’s not a problem – but I just didn’t have exposure to art and history and cinema and all these things growing up.”

It’s important to acknowledge that what can appear on the surface as an ‘intelligence gap’ can sometimes be more accurately described as a ‘class gap’. While poorer families might not have the time or resources to indulge their children’s every passing interest, wealthier children are more likely to be introduced to a wide range of books, films, and plays from a young age (this is especially true of children who attend private school). In the 1970s, French sociologist Pierre Bourdieu coined the term ‘cultural capital’ to describe this kind of privilege.

India feels the intellectual disparity between herself and her partner has exposed the failings of the British state education system. “I have a lot of gaps in my knowledge; my boyfriend can’t believe I didn’t learn these things at school,” she says. “And how can you ever catch up with someone who has been raised in a completely different environment to you?” Amelia also feels there was a class discrepancy between her and her former partner. “My ex’s parents would watch Coronation Street after work, while my parents would listen to Radio 4 and talk about the news at dinner time,” she says. “The way we were both raised was definitely different, and so the way we spoke about the world was different.”

“Sociologically, ‘intellectual compatibility’ often reflects similar educational and class backgrounds: people who have gone to comparable institutions and have similar repertoires of knowledge and culture,” says Dr van Hooff. And, depressingly, research on assortative mating shows that people tend to partner with others of similar education levels. “Those from elite schools and universities often select partners with similar repertoires, while those without such access may be coded as less ‘compatible’. This makes intellectual compatibility less about individual merit, and more about structural inequalities in access to education and culture.”

Every individual will have different priorities for their relationships, and there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to go about navigating a relationship where there’s a stark intelligence gap between partners. For some, the need for stimulating conversation and feeling ‘challenged’ might well be a dealbreaker. But if you’re in a relationship where you feel as though your partner isn’t as brainy as you, it’s worth questioning whether the issue is actually your partner’s lack of depth – or whether you’re unfairly penalising them for not having as privileged an upbringing as you.

India, for her part, feels hopeful about her relationship. “I’ve definitely voiced my concerns, and I think we can overcome it with communication,” she says, adding that her boyfriend is empathetic enough to understand that her upbringing was very different to his own. In any case, India stresses that while her partner may be more knowledgeable than her, in terms of curiosity and creativity, they’re pretty well-matched. “I’m interested in learning,” she says. “I don’t think you have to have the same hobbies or be a fan of the same things as your partner. But I think you have to be interested in learning about what the other person is into.”

Perhaps this is the healthiest way of approaching a relationship where one partner appears smarter than the other. If you’re the brains, instead of ruminating on your perceived differences, try to ask yourself what your partner does bring to the table. Are they a good listener? Are they interested in figuring out what makes you tick? Do they fulfil your other needs, if not your intellectual ones? In some instances – as Amelia found – the answer might be no, and parting ways might make sense. But in other cases, you might realise that while your partner isn’t going to be the Crick to your Watson, they might well be the Kelce to your Swift.

*Name has been changed