Sharpay Evans once said “I want it all,” and it seems like we’ve taken this sentiment to heart when it comes to dating. Today, we look back at generations past and smugly think they settled for partners who couldn’t be emotionally present, wouldn’t join in with their hobbies, and never put their socks in the laundry basket. Thanks to women’s emancipation, dating apps, longer lifespans, and myriad other reasons, we no longer have to settle. Yay!

But what if we’ve now swung to the other extreme? Many of us now expect our partners to be everything: our best friends, sexual playmates, therapists, running buddies, cheerleaders, and more. We don’t accept any traits that jar with our own or a single conflicting value – and it’s likely this is making dating harder for us all.

Today, we have a wider dating pool than ever before. Gone are the days when the village elders fixed you up with someone you may or may not have been distantly related to. Also gone are the days when you could have reasonably relied on a friend to set you up with one of their nice, normal friends. Research published as part of Stanford University’s ongoing ‘How Couples Meet and Stay Together’ project found that in 2024, a colossal 61 per cent of all couples met via online dating.

Now, we can chat with eligible singles over 100 miles away instead of limiting ourselves to the regulars in local bars. We no longer have to rely on chance or how many single people our friends know. We can connect with people we would never have crossed paths with naturally. But, as many of us have discovered firsthand, this doesn’t make choosing a partner any easier. If anything, it just makes us more anxious. With so much choice at our fingertips, we’re increasingly convinced that the “perfect partner” must be out there, just one swipe away.

But by approaching dating as nothing more than a tick-box exercise, we drive away possible moments of intimacy and connection. Contrasts in personalities, temperaments, and interests provide the push-and-pull needed to allow relationships to thrive. This doesn’t mean settling for someone who treats you poorly or forcing yourself to persevere with dating someone who doesn’t excite you. But if you like wild Friday nights and your partner prefers Netflix marathons, go party with your friends. If you love Sunday morning hikes and they don’t, go solo or find a buddy. A partner doesn’t have to be your everything.

The idea that it’s unrealistic to expect one person to fulfil all of our needs often serves as a foundation for polyamory, where people engage in multiple romantic relationships simultaneously. Ashley Dos Santos, Senior Communications Executive at Feeld, explains the appeal of polyamory: “One of the many reasons people explore polyamory is that it can offer the freedom to find different connections that fulfil an individual’s varying needs – be it emotional, intellectual, or physical. It’s about creating space for people to be their authentic selves and discover, and rediscover, who they are through connections with others.” (It’s worth caveating that while polyamory works well for many, it’s important not to use it as an excuse to outsource all our emotional and relational needs onto romantic partners.)

I’ve been single for a while (aside from a minor situationship detour), and when people ask if I miss dating, I can honestly say I don’t. I get everything I need from my friends, sisters, mum, dogs, and – ahem – vibrational support. But most importantly, I’ve learned to rely on myself. If I want to see a play or catch a comedy show, I go solo. I can still grab lunch at that cute café I’ve been eyeing or curl up somewhere with a coffee and a good book. I stopped expecting one person to be my whole world, romantic or otherwise.

Eloise Skinner, psychotherapist and author, suggests taking a hard look at what we expect from partners. “How would you feel if those expectations were placed on you? Would you feel able to meet them, or would you want your partner to have other sources of support and fulfilment?” She adds that it’s important to try and identify if you’re attempting to pursue your “core needs” via a relationship. “For example, if we want our partner to compliment us or encourage us, the core need might be for approval or validation. We can then start to look a little deeper at this need, perhaps questioning where it came from, why we feel we need to receive it from others, and how we might be able to provide for ourselves instead.”

It’s about being intentional in what you're looking for, but also staying open to the possibility of the unexpected

But that doesn’t mean lowering the bar entirely. We all know someone who’s a total goddess stuck with a partner who doesn’t deserve their light. So how do we stop reaching for the stars without settling for less? Skinner recommends listing your expectations – everything that comes to mind – then breaking them down. What’s the need behind each one? If you expect your partner to act like a therapist, maybe what you really need is to feel heard. Once you pinpoint the core need, you can brainstorm other ways to fulfil it, like a counsellor, a friend, or even yourself.

“Not settling means knowing your worth and seeking relationships that align with your values and needs,” Dos Santos explains. “But being ‘too picky’ can sometimes limit those connections before they even have a chance to grow. It’s about being intentional in what you're looking for, but also staying open to the possibility of the unexpected. No single person has experienced all the things life has to offer, so why not be flexible and try something new? The trick is to stay grounded in your core values while allowing room for curiosity and growth.”

At the end of the day, your partner is just that: a partner, not your whole universe. Let them be their own person. Let yourself be your own person. Spread your emotional needs across multiple connections – friends, family, yourself – and leave a big slice of your energy for you.