At 25 years old, Adel Boyarissova has never been on a date. She shared that on TikTok in February only to be met with hundreds of other 20-something-year-old women who haven’t either – and countless others telling her that relationships are stressful and she hasn’t “missed out” on anything. “I wanted to share that about myself to build a connection between myself and other girls,” she says. “But I never thought there would be such a big reaction.” Opting out of dating is an experience that’s only becoming more common: 41 per cent of Gen Z adults say they didn’t have a relationship at any point in their teen years (compared to only 31 per cent of millennials and 24 per cent of Gen Xers), according to a 2023 poll from the Survey Center on American Life. As not dating in your teens becomes not dating in your 20s, how much is this a choice for women who date men?

More young people have been opting for voluntary celibacy in the past few years, against a rallying (and entirely understandable) cry to “decentre all men”. However, there are also young women like Boyarissova who want to find and date a compatible guy but can’t seem to find any. “The guys on the apps are so creepy, and they’re looking for short-term relationships,” she says. “My dream is to meet someone in a gallery or a museum because I’m a historian and would like to date a man who has the same interests.” Boyarissova isn’t on any dating apps, but says men don’t come up to her and ask her out either. Still, she doesn’t feel like she’s missing out on anything – she’s happy to wait for her first date to be with someone she actually likes. In fact, she chalks the whole thing down to the complexity of the dating climate (and state of the world in general) today. “The world has even more layers, and it’s become even harder to find your person,” she says. 

Boyarissova’s not wrong when she says today’s dating climate has many layers. As political polarisation between the genders grows across the globe, you only have to look at the difference between how young American women and men voted to see a big red flag (literally) for future straight couples. Young men aged between 18 and 29 turned out in force for Trump, while the majority of young women backed Harris – and yet Americans are dating across party lines less and less. Then, there’s the role that social media plays in modern dating. On the extreme end, there’s the manosphere spewing misogynistic ideas to young men, but there’s also just the fact that young people are spending more time socialising online and less time hanging out in person. This all feeds into what’s being called a “young love recession”.

It’s not all bad: Rachel Wright, a psychotherapist based in New York, says that where in the past marriage may be a top priority for young women, dating now may be taking a backseat because of a cultural shift towards “prioritising self-growth, mental health and career ambitions in early adulthood”. Also, despite first dates and first relationships being framed as a “rite of passage”, there’s a 2019 study that found that strong friendships in adolescence predicted romantic-life satisfaction in adulthood, not early romantic interactions. This, however, presumes that you eventually find a suitable partner. “There’s definitely a growing divide, and rightfully so,” says Wright. “Studies show that young women increasingly prioritise education, career, and emotional intelligence in relationships, while many young men struggle with emotional awareness and connection due to societal norms.” 

Being single in your twenties can feel like you’re missing out on something. You do feel weird, but it’s comforting to know that it’s way more common than I thought.

Madison Ludwig, a 25-year-old in Louisville, Kentucky, says that the men she speaks to on social media have access to more women than ever before, and young women like her are paying the price. “I feel like men have access to so much that they will only get along with certain parts of you and whatever they don’t like, they go find in someone else,” she says. Ludwig considers herself one of the 20-something women who’ve never been on a date, but she has hung out with some of these men before. “In my generation, it doesn’t feel like a lot of people even take dating seriously,” she says. “I don't know what’s just talking and chilling versus what's really dating.” Now, she says she’s dating to marry. This looks like saying no to casual hookups and waiting to be asked on her first intentional planned date. “A lot of guys have their ideas of women in their head, and I don’t feel like I’ve experienced many men who have even tried to get to know the deepest parts of me,” she says. 

Despite the talk of sex strikes and South Korea’s 4B movement spreading across the world, the reality is that pitting the “young love recession” to straight women simply choosing celibacy over dating men is not the full story. Sure, some young women are actively de-centering men and dating (or both). Still, plenty of others are feeling confused about what constitutes a ‘date’ anymore – women who feel like they’re getting the first-date experience, even though they’d like to. But that also doesn’t mean they don’t have each other. London-based lifestyle creator Milly Goldsmith, 27, says she recently started posting more videos about how she’s been single her whole life. Her comments have been flooded with other young women in the same position. “Being single in your twenties can feel like you’re missing out on something,” she says. “You do feel weird, but it’s comforting to know that it’s way more common than I thought.” 

Blame it on casual dating culture, social media or the gender and political divide (or all three), but for many young women, first dates are getting pushed back or postponed indefinitely. This is also no reason to rush or force it. “If dating is positioned as something everyone should experience by a certain age, it can create unnecessary pressure and self-doubt for those who haven’t,” says Wright. “There’s no ‘right’ age to start dating.” In the same vein, just because young women are dating less and later than previous generations (by choice or otherwise), it doesn’t mean their priorities are somehow “wrong”. Goldsmith is embracing being single, but she’s also “always wanted to be in a relationship”. In an ideal world, she’d be out exploring her interests when she’d bump into someone at a jazz bar. Then, he’d ask her on a date. This hasn’t happened (yet), but she’s not hung up on it anymore. “If you’ve already built the life you want, if someone else comes into it, that’s just an extra bonus,” she says.