Last year, junior doctor Shirley Bekker resigned from her job in pursuit of finding a husband. The Love Is Blind contestant revealed on TikTok last week that she had left her medical career to participate in the show. When her director offered her the option to defer her position and return the following year, she declined, writing in an email: “This time next year, I will potentially be married. I do not know where my husband will live, so in the best interest of my future husband, I need to maintain geographical flexibility. So, thank you very much for this offer, but I will quit and reapply in a location that is desirable for my future husband.”

Despite her plans, Bekker only appeared on the reality show for a week and left without a husband. When she shared her story on TikTok, she was labelled “crazy” by many. How could she prioritise the search for a husband over her hard-earned career? What about feminism? However, it’s not uncommon for people to make seemingly irrational choices – not just for love but for the social validation that comes with being in a relationship. While Bekker was criticised for her decision, people have always gone to extreme lengths to find a partner, and they likely always will. It’s an epidemic, but it doesn’t have to be this way. 

If you’re dating but want to approach it in a way that doesn’t involve making irrational decisions, compromising your values, or harming yourself – either mentally or physically – here’s a guide to help you navigate the process:

DON’T BE DESPERATE

In an interview with Amelia Dimoldenberg, Nara and Lucky Blue Smith advised the comedian and presenter that if she wants to find the love of her life, she needs to: “Stop trying. I think when you put in the effort and you’re always constantly looking for it and wanting that, it’s never going to come about. But once you let it go and let fate do its thing, then it will happen.”

This advice is easier said than done and can feel quite jarring coming from world-famous models. However, there is some truth to what the Smiths are saying. Our political editor, James Greig, agrees with the couple: “I think the best way to find a relationship is by being in a place where you don’t feel like you desperately need one. That doesn’t mean you can’t be actively looking, but when you’re preoccupied with getting into a relationship at all costs, people can often sense that, and it can be quite off-putting. People are more attractive when they seem to be living rich, full lives and have their own shit going on.”

So, focus on having your own life – not just for the sake of a potential relationship, but for yourself.

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT

People often say that relationships are solely about the individuals involved, yet this is rarely true. As mentioned earlier, a particular kind of social validation comes with being in a relationship. Reality shows like Love Is Blind or Love Island highlight how people sometimes enter relationships not because they truly care for their partner but because it signals to friends, family and strangers that they are desirable. It becomes more about appearances than how you genuinely feel for the other person.

“It is so important to figure out why you want to be in a relationship in the first place,” says 22-year-old Angelica*, who recently left her first relationship. “I ended a relatively new relationship because I realised I didn’t like them that much. I know it’s horrible to admit, but I was so desperate to be with someone and prove to myself – and others – that I am a lovable person that I got into a relationship with the first person who was semi-nice to me, even though I barely liked them.”

She continues: “I’ve wasted so much time at university searching for a relationship that I didn’t even really want, when I really just needed a therapist or a cat.”

We all need human connection, and there’s no shame in that. However, taking the time to understand what we’re truly seeking in relationships can make dating far less painful for everyone involved.

BECOME A BETTER FRIEND

Everyone likes to believe they’re a good friend, but once in a relationship, hierarchies often form – sometimes without us realising it. Family first, partner second, friends last. In monogamous relationships, we tend to believe that only romantic love can provide a deep sense of intimacy and fulfilment. Yet, you can (and should) experience similar fulfilment in your friendships if you devote the same time and energy to them.

In her book Radical Intimacy, Sophia Rosa writes: “The idea that being in a couple should fulfil all your intimate needs leads to desolation for many… Under neoliberalism, friendship is a banal affair of private preference: we hang out, we share hobbies, we make small talk. Under neoliberalism, we don’t have each other’s backs, and our lives aren’t tangled up together.” She continues: “At its best, friendship could be a liberatory relationship – one in which we can share and lessen the load of being alive.”

Strengthening the bonds you already have can make dating easier and more pleasurable. It allows dating to become something we truly choose to do rather than something we feel forced to do because of lack. 

GET INVOLVED IN YOUR COMMUNITY

Dating and relationships can often make us feel selfish, isolated and obsessive. To break out of this mode of thinking, 24-year-old Mimi* believes people should adopt Jemima Kirke’s oft-quoted philosophy: “Stop fucking thinking about yourself so much and do things for others. If you want to stop obsessing over dating, get involved in community work,” says Mimi. “The fulfilment you feel from helping others is very similar to the fulfilment people crave in relationships. You’ll realise that doing things that make a tangible difference can help you stop obsessing and thinking of yourself.”

Finding purpose in other areas of life can shift your focus away from the relentless pursuit of love and allow you to view dating in a healthier light.

GET COMFORTABLE WITH BEING UNCOMFORTABLE

Dating is supposed to be fun, but it rarely ever is. From mixed signals and rejections to difficult conversations, it can sometimes feel like more hassle than it’s worth. However, it’s important to remember that the person you’re dating, whether you like them or not, is still a person who deserves respect. To respect them and yourself, you need to learn how to have tough conversations and communicate honestly.

In Why Would Feminists Trust the Police, Leah Cowan writes that we live in a society that is confrontation averse. We’d rather call the police on a neighbour than knock on their door and have a conversation. Dating becomes much easier when you learn how to have difficult conversations and accept rejection. Rejection is part of life – it doesn’t mean you’re a failure. The sooner we embrace this, the easier dating will become.