Young people in Britain don’t have it easy, having to contend with spiralling student debts, an exorbitant cost-of-living, and high rates of anxiety and depression. But at long last, there’s some hope on the horizon: you might be getting the compulsory opportunity to sacrifice your life for the honour of King and country!

This is according to senior British army officer Sir Patrick Sanders, who made a controversial speech this Wednesday (January 24). Citing the example of Sweden, which has recently reintroduced national service, he said that Britain must take “preparatory steps to enable placing our societies on a war footing”. He also complained that the army’s funding has been slashed over the years – this may be true, but in 2024 the military is being awarded £50 billion, which is more than transport, overseas aid, housing, and long-term care. And what has the army done lately for me, the taxpayer? Exactly...

It seems that Sanders was mostly concerned with the spectre of a total war with Russia. “We will not be immune and as the prewar generation we must similarly prepare – and that is a whole-of-nation undertaking. Ukraine brutally illustrates that regular armies start wars; citizen armies win them.” Good luck with that, but I personally will not be getting involved – as soon as I get around to starting a Mandarin course on DuoLingo, I am defecting to China. I would do national service, at a push, but only in a well-paid role as a head stylist or creative director.

But before you get too excited about the prospect of entering into glorious battle, it appears that Sander’s proposal is not in line with either the Prime Minister or the Ministry of Defence. A spokesperson for Rishi Sunak said that the prime minister does not agree with the comments, and that national service will not be returning any time soon.