The Conservative party conference has been riddled with cringe-worthy gaffs, face-palm moments and EPIC fails, mostly relating to the persecution of vulnerable minorities and the ongoing resurgence of far-right politics – awk-ward!!!

As the four-day event, which took place in Manchester this week, comes to a close, let’s look back at some of the ways the Tories have shown that they’ve completely lost it, making elaborately evil plans for a future they don’t have. While the conference gave rise to nasty rhetoric and troubling proposals, there was an overriding air of grasping desperation. Clinging to these culture war issues will not be enough to turn the tide. The Tories are more hateful than ever, but as power slips from their grasp, they’re no longer as scary – they’re mostly just ridiculous. Here are some of their most pathetic moments.

A BUNCH OF TORIES GOT CHUCKED OUT OF A GAY BAR

Throughout the week of the conference, there were a number of reports of Conservatives being chucked out of bars, but one incident drew particular attention. A group of Tories claimed that they had been chucked out of a gay bar, for the simple crime of being active and enthusiastic supporters of a party which is currently engaged in a crusade against LGBTQ+ rights – so much for the tolerant left! “A drag act was on making rude and derogatory comments about Conservatives and Suella Braverman, making them feel very uncomfortable,” said LGBT Conservative member Albie Amankona, while one of his fellow members claimed that patrons of the bar were being “rude, aggressive and unkind”. This is sad to hear – what is the world coming to that a Tory should ever be made to feel uncomfy? Don’t they deserve to be validated and welcomed at all times, regardless of their political commitments? 

But according to Manchester-based drag artist Miss Lara Stoned, the incident played out very differently to how it was recounted on GB News. Apparently, the “unkind” behaviour in question was the other patrons chanting “TRANS RIGHTS”, and one of the Tories allegedly hurled an object at a member of staff before they were chucked out. “They were in fact politely asked to leave when they arrived, but then continued to be disrespectful, aggressive and dangerous to the staff AND customers of the establishment. anyone who challenges the rights of my community is not welcome in my home,” she wrote on Twitter. Members of the Conservative party being rude and obnoxious? Surely that’s too far-fetched and fantastical a story to possibly be true… 😉

NIGEL FARAGE AND PRITI PATEL THREW THE PARTY FROM HELL 

 You know that moment at a family wedding when your obnoxious uncle – who is Nigel Farage – and your mum’s insufferable friend from work – former home secretary Priti Patel MP – polish off several bottles of Sauvignon Blanc together and get a little too rowdy dancing to a Tom Jones song? Well, it was a bit like that.

THERE WAS A LOT OF TRANSPHOBIA

Regrettably, transphobia vied with HS2 as the stand-out theme of the conference, with six different cabinet ministers – along with Prime Minister Rishi Sunak – using their speech to signal a commitment to new anti-trans policies. Playing on a common trope which positions trans women as dangerous, Suella Braverman announced a policy that would ban sex offenders from changing their legal gender or name. Steve Barclay, the health secretary, announced a ban on transgender women being placed in “female-only” wards in hospitals, a measure which critics have described as cruel, unworkable and illegal under existing law. In one of the more absurd attempts at stoking up anti-trans hate, science secretary Michelle Donelan announced her intention to “kick woke ideology out of science”, claiming that political correctness is preventing scientists from researching biological sex (while failing to offer any concrete examples of this actually happening).

This is all extremely grim, but the good news is that the Tories are almost certainly going to lose the next election, and it’s doubtful that any of these proposed policies will ever actually happen. Keir Starmer’s Labour will be bad in many different ways, but when it comes to trans issues, there’s at least some sense that they have to placate both sides. This cowardly, fence-sitting approach might lead to some bad policies, and almost certainly won’t lead to any good ones, but I don’t think they’re going to pursue the issue with the same vindictive relish as the likes of Braverman. The Tory’s anti-trans rhetoric is sinister, but it’s less frightening than it would have been a few years ago when the party was actually popular. Now, it’s just desperate flailing from a government on borrowed time.

SUELLA BRAVERMAN TROD ON A GUIDE DOG 

If your cold-hearted reputation has earned you the nickname ‘Cruella Braverman’, the last thing you want to be seen doing is stepping on a dog’s tail, although at least it wasn’t a Dalmatian. The heavy-handed metaphors write themselves: a leading figure within a government which has destroyed the lives of countless disabled people, crushing a guide dog beneath her boot? It doesn’t look good.

But as a clumsy person with poor spatial awareness, while I’m not going to defend Braverman, this does seem like something I would do. And she did at least have the decency to say sorry to “all dogs out there”, who might have seen the incident, taken offense and considered switching their vote to Lib Dem.

THE WORLD’S QUIETEST HECKLER WAS EJECTED BY POLICE

During a segment of Suella Braverman’s which concerned trans people, Andrew Boff (a member of the London Assembly and a Tory himself) was thrown out of the hall after he interrupted her with the remark, “there’s no such thing as gender ideology”. Describing this as “heckling” is a bit of a stretch – it was louder than a mutter or a grumble, but nowhere close to a shout or a bellow. Still, he was hauled away by the police, which happened at the exact moment that Braverman was ranting about how “people who fail to conform are persecuted”. 

As he was being escorted out of the conference, Boff described himself as a “loyal Tory” who was moved to act because Braverman’s speech was “making our Conservative party look transphobic and homophobic. This not what the Conservative party is about, we have a proud record of standing up for LGBTQ+ rights and she is destroying it.” I sincerely think his actions were admirable and it’s good that Braverman is getting some pushback from within the party. But at the same time… what political party did he think he was involved with?

THE TORIES ENTER THEIR CONSPIRACY THEORIST ERA 

‘15 minute cities’ is an urban-planning concept which promotes the idea that all of the services and amenities you need should be located within a 15-minute walk from your house. Which sounds quite pleasant right? It’s ultimately about encouraging a less car-reliant society, but it’s way more carrot than stick. It also doesn’t seem very likely that Britain is going to embark on any ambitious urban planning programmes any time soon, given that we can’t even build a trainline. At this stage, 15-minute cities are little more than a nice idea.

Unfortunately, it has become the subject of widespread conspiracy theories, which see it as the pathway to a totalitarian dystopia – in other words, it’s not about making our lives more convenient, but an UN-led effort to control our movements. During his conference speech, Transport Secretary Mark Harper vowed to tackle the source of 15-minute city schemes, where “councils can decide how often you go to the shops, and that they can ration who uses the roads and when”. To be clear, this is not happening: one junior minister was later asked about it during an interview and couldn’t name a single example. It’s just not a real problem, and it suggests a certain desperation that the Tories are going out of their way to court the people who believe otherwise. As an electoral strategy, it’s about as dignified as campaigning on the promise of finally sorting out the chemtrail problem, exposing the fact that birds aren’t real, or launching an inquiry into why, when and how Avril Lavigne was replaced by a clone. When the Tories lose the next election, maybe Mark Harper can look forward to a glittering new career as a recurring guest on InfoWars. 

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