Samantha Jones Public Relations pitches a rival SATC spin-off

From the desk of Samantha Jones Public Relations, my brand new web series: Samantha Jones Public Relations. 

Honey, you should see the script. A woman, torn from her friends by a fallout over a booking at Sushi Samba, journeys across the world to find meaning beyond capitalism, shoes, and the relative existential nothingness that is being a wealthy woman in New York. A figure who has very few problems beyond the constant whining of her once invigorating, now simply dull and privileged, friends. 

This show is about the heart of Samantha Jones, a woman who, in the end, finally works out what she wants: money!

The idea came to me on a retreat in Abu Dhabi with some ex-friends. They were so unthoughtful, so problematic. But I was inspired by this culture and so when I got home, I put my affairs in order – sold everything, except my diamond flower ring, and packed my Louis Vuitton trunks for a once in a lifetime tour around the world. 

We start off in a squat in London. How we got there: nobody knows. Waking up, tumbling about in a vintage Herve Leger dress. The hair is good, the nails are neat, and the gag reflex is nowhere to be found – “honey I lost in the loo at CBGBs” says Sam, with a wry smile to camera. Very Fleabag. And she’s BACK. Everyone’s favourite liberated queen, only now she’s on a journey to self discovery. 

We worked on the script for nearly a decade. It started off with myself and three young women whom I took under my wing after a particularly racy Women in the Arts Event in Los Angeles celebrating the life and work of Karlie Kloss. After months of workshopping, and looking at what was trending on Twitter, I decided we needed to do something that was of the now. It took me to the deepest depths: scouring Netflix, HBO Max, Pornhub, until it hit me: drag queens! As I’ve always said, I don’t believe in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party, I just believe in parties. And what’s more Sam Jones, party-starting, and politically averse, than a cast of fabulous drag queens? 

We hired an array of interchangeable queens – I never learned their names – and what we’ve made is a show with bite, heart, and real cultural relevance. After I wake up in London, I pick up a large shell and blow through it, before screaming “drag queens assemble”. Within minutes, they're there, at my feet, and our journey into the unknown begins. 

“This is a show about someone with dreams. It’s a little bit campy, a little bit sci-fi (did I mention the episode where I score the account for Mars? Of course it starts with a site visit), and a lot empowering!”

We board the private jet and fly to Mexico City where we encounter a fabulous culture of truth and grit — all from behind the protected windows of our own individual Hummer limousines. There, I meet a non-binary person who has a dick so big I have to take a painkiller before I go down on them at the beach. Of course, pronouns are easy for Samantha — lest we forget, “poof I was a lesbian”, for those two episodes. 

Naturally, there’s a fall out between me and the queens, and for a few episodes the series takes a dark twist after I leave one of them high and dry in the airport, after she claps back at one of my witty but acerbic jokes. We know there’s nothing money can’t fix though, and so I call the French Embassy and take the remaining queens to Paris, as a kind of apology for the fallout. They oblige – but there we see an enemy of mine. She is, as always, frizzy and dressed head-to-toe in Dior, tripping over like the attention-seeking monster she is. Yes, it was me who tripped her in my Maison Margiela x Reebok Instapump Tabi boot. I was pleased to teach my girls the importance of revenge. 

And now we’re here, back in Los Angeles for the final episode in which I finally score the job of becoming PR to Mr Jeff Bezos. It’s the kind of reach I’ve always sought: an ability to reach every person (only if they have Prime) in under 48 hours. 

Naturally I ditch the queens, but not before putting them in touch with my good pal and fellow fracker Ms RuPaul. Then I have a raging affair in Atlantic City, all while wearing a thong made of this season’s must have: face masks. 

Indeed, some people who have seen early previews have called the show problematic, but in truth there’s not much I, Samantha Jones, can’t get away with because I, Samantha Jones, have always spoken to the heart of powerful women with powerful desires. It’s been a long time coming, but I’m about to step out with my new facial peel and show the world that we can survive through hardship (if you have over a million in the bank), and that we don’t have to spend even a minute in a situation where we’re not having fun – as I told the Guardian recently. 

This is a show about someone with dreams. It’s a little bit campy, a little bit sci-fi (did I mention the episode where I score the account for Mars? Of course it starts with a site visit), and a lot empowering! I am indeed the ultimate girl boss. And after all of this time with the new Bezos account, viewers will finally get to watch me go from being a small business owner to a large business owner. 

It sounds complicated, like there’s so many themes, but isn’t that what life is about? Isn’t life just like a jazz song that I sing with my husband Mark as he plays the double bass? Honey, that’s not a bump in the road: it’s a preview! For the rest of your life… and for anal.