Just claw my eyes out TBH
After dropping the world’s longest trailer teaser in history, the creators of upcoming horror film (don’t @ me) Cats released the actual trailer last night, and it’s… something.
With an all-star cast – who have obviously gone mad – including Idris Elba, Judi Dench, Taylor Swift, Jason Derulo (u OK hun?), James Corden, and Jennifer Hudson, you’d be forgiven for initially thinking Cats could be alright. But, as we now know, it’s the stuff of nightmares.
The live action film features terrifying CGI human/cat hybrids complete with full body hair and tails, then for some reason human faces and also fingers and toes. Fingers and toes! It’s blood-curdling, spine-chilling, and coming to a cinema near you.
I don’t know the plot of Cats – does anyone know the plot of Cats? – but context-aside, I am now going to review the trailer focusing on the five most disturbing moments. Strap in.
LITERALLY EVERYTHING ABOUT THE ‘CATS’
The cats look like someone tried to draw a cat from memory but realised halfway through they’d never actually seen one. The cats are probably what we’re going to find when we storm Area 51. I hate them, and now by association I hate all cats.
One thing that really wigs me out about these cats is that they seemingly walk on two feet, and yet we also see them crawl on all fours like a feline zombie apocalypse. It’s a hybrid, I get it, but pick a method of transport IMO.
Probably the most horrific thing about them though is the full body fur on what is technically a human figure. As someone in the Dazed office eloquently put it: “why do the cats have titties?” There’s something incredibly unnerving about seeing a man singing show tunes with nothing but smooth fur where his dick should be.
A brief interjection here about the aforementioned teaser, because Idris Elba gives one of the best quotes ever spoken out loud when discussing the size of the cats (they’re living in a human world so are smaller than their surroundings). Elba says: “The scale of this film is huge, three or four times bigger, from a cat’s perspective.” A cat’s perspective.
EVERY MOMENT INVOLVING JAMES CORDEN
James ‘Cat’ Corden in a sauve blazer and top hat but no bottoms. James Corden belly bumping a man. James Corden diving into a bin. James Corden spitting food at a cat who looks like a Fifa glitch. James Corden being flung into the sky and looking implausibly more elegant than anyone has, ever. Inject it all into my veins.
JASON DERULO AS A HIP HOP CAT
If cats could dance, they would not dance hip hop. Cats would waltz, cats would be really sick at doing a Pas de Bourree. Cats would not bump and grind and do knee slides in fur coats. It just wouldn’t happen, which makes the casting of Jason Derulo even more mind-blowing.
His trailer introduction makes him seem like a smooth-talker who’d be really good at robbing and chatting up girls (also not cat-like traits). He’s wearing a red fur coat over his fur and a gold chain – hip hop cat! – and then does lots of wide-legged dance moves that have no business in a cat movie. It’s almost as if the creators of Cats didn’t do musical market research. Cats don’t like hip hop. Cats don’t like Jason Derulo.
THAT CURSED KNIFE AND FORK CLIP
Remember that Cravendale advert – cats with thumbs? That advert – seemingly the prequel to Cats (2019) – predicted this dystopian future, and now the image of a fur-covered human holding a giant knife and fork will haunt me forever.
THE APOCALYPTIC END IN TRAFALGAR SQUARE
Who is this film for? That’s the main question we have to ask here. Surely it’s not for children, but equally surely it’s not for adults? Live action movies are having a moment right now – whether we like it or not – but Cats is the first film that really proves we’ve taken technology too far. Cats – like a magpie – has got too excited about shiny new software and is ultimately now so fucked up that its target audience can’t possibly be human.
This brings me to the apocalyptic end in which the cats gather in London’s Trafalgar Square and all lift their left hand up to the sky, seemingly looking at something out of shot. Someone in the office mentioned ‘heaven’ when discussing the plot, so maybe that’s what this is about, but it’s eery AF. The collective of cats stand frozen as the camera pans around the empty square at sunrise (side note: where are the human beings in all of this?), before they take a weird bow and the trailer cuts out. It’s the spookiest bit of the trailer because it makes you question your existence, and it kind of... makes me want to see it?