Pin It
Rupaul’s Drag Race All Stars Season 4
via VH1

Four writers make the case for who should win RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars

Are you living for Naomi or Trinity? Are you gagged by Monét or Monique?

It’s finally here! After weeks of shock boots, dodgy roasts, acerbic shade and brown cow eleganza, we’ve reached the finale of Rupaul’s Drag Race All Stars season four. The final four is made up of the stunning Monique Heart, Trinity the ultimate tuck, Monét X Change sans Pussycat wigs, and legs up to her asshole Naomi Smalls. And the journey has been wild – Gia and Farrah Moan came to blows, Latrice Royale clawed back in for one more crack at the crown, and Manila’s exit was the gag of the season. 

Below, four writers face off on who they believe should snatch the All Stars crown, joining Trixie Mattel, Alaska Thunderfuck, and Chad Michaels in the hall of fame.

MONIQUE HEART

Text Dominic Cadogan

Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent – the four ideals Mama Ru looks for in the queen who is to snatch the crown. Monique Heart easily slays each, and while it should go without saying why, I’m going to explain now.

Charisma: As the heart of season 10, Monique’s charisma is unrivalled. As the stronger half of a double act with Monet, Miss Heart’s iconic catchphrases and wise voiceovers make her a firm fan favourite for the season.

Uniqueness: It’s well known that Monique can’t keep a wig on her head to save her life, but that’s what makes her different to everyone else; Monique is so good that she can even turn her negatives into positive. Sure, she didn’t win the “Emotions” lip sync against Trinity, but did she turn the party when her wig got stuck in the rafters? Yes gawd!

Nerve: Monique has nerve for days. Nerve enough to call out Gia for being a bully towards Farrah. Winners don’t pick on weak links. Need more proof? Who else would have the nerve to come down the runway wearing a bovine-shaped, brown cow print eleganza? Nobody. The incessantly repeated catchphrases might have grown tiresome for some, but it do take nerve.

Talent: With three wins under her belt, Monique has pretty much scalped this season. Highlights include (but not limited to): being the star of Sex and the Kitty Girl 3 and Jersey Justice, turning out lip-syncs to Tina Turner and holding her own against certified lip-sync assassin Latrice Royale, and let’s not even get into her iconic Puss In Boots recreation for the Kitty Cat Couture.

Let’s see a fab, highly-melanated queen in the Hall of Fame Ru!

TRINITY THE TUCK

Text Anna Cafolla

The body is HERE, and this time she’s going to snatch the top spot that she deserves. The season nine finalist was criminally underrated the first time around, but this All Stars race has proven she has the layers (I’m not talking about her silicone here) to be the multifaceted queen we need. Firstly, Trinity the Tuck is a fashion queen – her workroom entrance in a body-bag reveal with a stunning neon green homage to Sarah Paulson and Prada, her Boots the House Down look inspired by 90s Linda Evangelista, that plastic fantastic ass always swathed in hand-beaded, glitzy garments. Trinity has honed her comedy skills even more – her Caitlyn Jenner was on-the-nose and whip-sharp, the tucking talent show skill was on-the-money and Trinity-style entertainment. Sure, she slipped up on the Lady Bunny Roast, but she clawed back to the top with the Beehive Club – and isn’t that what All Stars is about, finessing and improvement?

“Emotions are a new thing for me,” she says in a behind-the-scenes clip. What has helped to elevate Trinity most is her new-found vulnerability. Her intimate chats with Valentina, her honesty and drive to choose the person going home fairly. She’s been totally fearless in her pursuit of the crown, unafraid to call shade when Gia gets too mean or Naomi betrays the game.

Ultimately, she’s racked up the most wins, been a killer, provocative lip-sync, and only scraped the bottom once, all with the grace of a pageant star and the bite of Southern queen. It’s not jelly, nor is it jam – it’s a winner, baby!

MONET X CHANGE

Text Vanessa Hsieh

Soak it up, bitches! Monét X Change was the sponge queen of season 10, and – after the growth she’s show since – it’s clear she deserves that All Stars crown too. OK, you’re going to say it’s not been that long since season 10, why should Monét get to win? Haters – if all you can use as a defense for Monét not winning is how recently she had her last shot at the crown, she’s already won. If anything, it just goes to show how a few minor changes have really brought out the All Star in Monét. On her original season, she was always a strong contender, only eliminated two rounds short of the top four, and going down in snatch game herstory for finding the funny in literary treasure Maya Angelou. (We’re still applying savlon after her answer to RuPaul’s question, “Why does the caged bird sing?” “Because Mariah Carey lost the key.”)

Monét’s kind of funny comes naturally, like when you’re just hanging and laughing with your best friend: there’s a reason she was Miss Congeniality on her season. In All Stars she hasn’t just been hilarious though – if anyone has had a runway Ru-demption this season, it’s Monét. Alright, maybe there were a few bodysuits thrown in there, but they were either a cute nod back to her season 10 self (in the intro), or seriously elevated like her Angelic White ode to RiRi’s Met Gala Pope look, her Fantastic Plastic gladiator, and her gloriously pink and rhinestoned pink panther look in the Sex and the Kitty Girl episode. She even swapped out her trademark pussycat wigs for more volume and glamour in her Evening Eleganza and Curves and Swerves categories (bonus internet points for her recreation of Kim’s Break-The-Internet Paper cover for the latter one!). She knows what works now, and what doesn’t – and that’s what makes a great performer sometimes – knowing when to stop. Thankfully, she only milked that sponge gag for as long as it was cute on All Stars and didn’t let it dominate her All Stars wardrobe / narrative. (Looking at you, Monique “Brown Cow, Stunning” Heart.) So crown Monét, because, like Maya Angelou, she ain’t no punk bitch – she deserves it all and more. Long live my sponge queen!

NAOMI SMALLS

Text Jack Moss

Legs for days, legs for nights, legs that – to quote Naomi Smalls herself – go all the way up to her asshole. She should win All Stars for her legs alone – you can't spell legendary without "leg", after all. But Ms Smalls is far more than just a pretty leg (or two): she is a pretty everything, and is by far the look queen of the season. Her Prince look? Gag. Kitty Cat Couture? Gag. Sonny and Cher? Double gag. She's polished; she's flawless.

And she's also the season's the most underrated queen. Call her the lip sync assassin: admittedly, Valentina's “Into Youwas the sync of the season, but Smalls wins silver and bronze. The back-bend to end Gia Gunn once and for all? Iconic. Her Judy Garland lip sync which didn't just beat Monet Exchange but entirely obliterated her? Redemption. And there's plenty of other moments beside: a collapsing Wendy Williams on Snatch Game of Love (she was robbed), her performance of “Poseat the All Star Variety Show (and that wig reveal), Stefani Angelyne Ricotta Permanata on Jersey Justice – need I go on? I’m not even mad at Club 69 (sue me). 

The real reason she should win? Her newfound give-no-fucks attitude. Who'd have thought this sweet and quiet queen would eliminate Manila Luzon, competition (and fan) favourite? Did she bow down to established queen Latrice Royale, when she (rudely) suggested Smalls should be eliminated over her last week? No. "Honestly, I don’t give a fuck," was her answer. Naomi Smalls is an ambitious young queen  writing her own rules, and she's out to win. Which she should. Do the right thing, Ru.