Featuring someone’s cousin’s friend’s testicle and divorce, babe, divorce
Over the past two years we’ve learnt that few things are more terrifying than life itself. No monster will melt the flesh off your face like seeing Rishi Sunak in a pair of Palm Angels sliders and no supervillian could plunge you into as much misery as the clocks going back on actual Halloween.
Historically, dressing up in late October was a way of camouflaging yourself against otherworldly spirits, with the earliest examples going back to the 16th century. At this time the holiday was Celtic – Samhain – and marked a period when the veil between the “real” world and the spirit world was said to be very thin. Somehow, those poltergeists broke through the flimsy dimensional barrier and now run rampant, taking on the shape of Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s swollen testicle, blocking up the Suez canal to the sound of “berries and cream”.
Of course, different people celebrate Halloween differently. There are those who actually look ghastly and they usually sniff at everyone else who’d rather look hot. Then there are those who like to dress as puns or whose costumes seem to say “remember this internet joke? Haha”, which, with the right thinking, can actually look very sexy. There is, at least, some pleasure to be derived from billionaire cowboys beaming themselves into space on a giant Rampant Rabbit. None, however, from being a member of the LGB Alliance, which is perhaps the most bile-inducing reference point from the last year.
Below, we round-up the most 2021 things to dress up as for Halloween.
DIVORCE, BABE, DIVORCE
With Grimes and Elon semi-separating (whatever that means) and Adele due to launch her first album in seven years, which is said to explain her marital breakdown to her son – “divorce, babe, divorce” – what better way to align yourself with pop culture than dressing up as the dissolution of vows? It’s not all slovenly sweatpants, legal fees, and Toni Braxton, though. Divorce has, over recent years, had a complete rebrand. It’s very glamorous to be a divorcée. More so than being a wife, and god forbid, a husband. Make like Adele and slip yourself into some Lululemon, or like Grimes, and just stand outside reading The Communist Manifesto. Anything to spite your ex.
CHEUGY
This one’s easy so here’s just a few things which are canonically cheugy: the laughing face emoji, over 25-year-olds, especially Lena Dunham, “Proud Ravenclaw”, minions, that specific typeface all over greetings cards and motivational posters, Emma Bridgewater, Chrissy Teigen, The Great British Bake Off, and Friends. If you’re confused as to whether you are in fact a cheug or not, then great, because you’re probably a millennial having some kind of existential crisis. No costume needed!
THE SUEZ CANAL BLOCKAGE
Perhaps the most unchic news to land onto timelines this year was the announcement that a 20,000 tonne cargo ship had blocked the Suez canal in Egypt. Somewhat ironically named “Ever Given” (should be “Never Given”, ha ha ha) the boat was blown off by strong winds one morning and ended up wedged across the waterway for six days, wreaking havoc on international trade. Perhaps she was ahead of her time, though, planting her stern in the riverbank and calling it quits. Work won’t love you back! Strap cereal boxes around your hull and don’t lift a finger for the entire night.
MÅNESKIN
Beloved muses of Alessandro Michele, Måneskin have had a riotous rise to fame over the past year, earning themselves a Gucci campaign and a sell-out tour in the process. The Eurovision winners look just as comfortable in lace-up metallic leather, matching skinny scarves, and stacked platform boots, as they do BDSM leather harnesses, sparkly bell bottoms, and Donatella levels of eyeliner. Marc Bolan who? Extra points for carrying around a rolled-up tenner.
BILLIONAIRE SPACE COWBOYS
Lovely Jeff Bezos debuted the launch of his big, phallic, rocket ship with some not-so-subtle aesthetic tweakery and a cowboy hat this summer. Elon Musk also sent a rocket into space, while Richard Branson continued to charge hundreds of thousands of pounds for so-called intergalactic voyages – which just keep getting pushed back. Bezos wore an electric blue, padded jumpsuit, a sandy, wide-brimmed suede hat, and brown cowboy heels to wave off his rocket. But a pair of dad jeans and black-out contact lenses should get the message across.
A SALLY ROONEY ADVANCED COPY
Bucket hats, tote bags, actual advanced copies of the book, before the launch of Beautiful World Where Are You by Sally Rooney, the internet was full of people who were all clamouring to say they, too, knew of this book by this very famous author. Though all the PR garb and gift boxes were fairly new to the publishing world, it was sadly blighted by the news that promotional tote bags were killing the planet. Not to mention that unpublished galleys were being hawked on ebay for hundreds of pounds, which people then bought to to #galleybrag on social media. Beautiful world, where are you?
SQUID GAME
Squid Game, the South Korean thriller, which follows a group of debt-ridden citizens competing in a Hunger Games-like competition for a big cash prize, is fast-billed to become Netflix’s most watched series to date. Its astronomic popularity has parlayed into fashion, too. According to Variety, green and white tracksuits became an instant bestseller on Amazon shortly after the series premiere. Meanwhile, white slip-on Vans have also seen a 7,800 per cent spike in sales since the show hit Netflix, according to data provided by Sole Supplier.
HOT GIRL AND GOTH BOY COUPLES
It was fun at first. An antidote to all the Instagram-preened couples who call each other things like “this one”. But it’s getting weary. Pack it up Gomez and Morticia, you’re frightening for the wrong reasons. There was nothing more spine-chilling than hearing Kourtney Kardashian and Megan Fox gush over their “future baby daddies” at the VMAs or take pictures of each other kissing in the toilet with their tongues sticking out. Rawr! If you’re playing Travis Barker or Machine Gun Kelly then dress like it’s 2004 and you’ve just discovered Shoreditch. Best go glam for Kourtney or Megan, but make sure to throw in a choker or something so nobody thinks you’re a sell-out.
My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding. So just pray on it & make sure you’re comfortable with ur decision, not bullied
— Nicki Minaj (@NICKIMINAJ) September 13, 2021
NICKI MINAJ’S COUSIN’S FRIEND’S SWOLLEN TESTICLE
Really uncouth to log onto Twitter. Especially if that’s to spout COVID conspiracy theories relating to your cousin’s friend’s engorged testes. Dread to think how this might come to fruition but might we point you in the direction of CSM grad Fredrik Tjærandsen, whose signature look consists of giant plastic spheres. Make sure to roll about on the carpet a bit, though, so you pick up all of that stringy, pubic debris.
AOC’S STATEMENT DRESS
Speaking of cheugy, AOC’s fall from grace at the Met Gala was one of the definitive moments of the year. Turns out hiring a millionaire to make a dress about eating the rich (or whatever) did not make quite the statement she was hoping for. It’s an obvious one to replicate. Get a white t-shirt and plaster it with red paint. The more vacuous the statement the better.
THE Y2K RESURGENCE
What’s petrifying about the proliferation of clothes from the late 90s and early 00s at the moment, is just how indestructible the trend seems to be. Just as you think there is nothing left to scrape from the Y2K barrel before your nails start whittling away at the wood itself, Iris Law walks out in a pair of pedal pushers and a trucker hat and the flame is ignited all over again. For any inspiration, check out our longlist of all the questionable trends making a comeback, or just take a look at the most recent SS22 runways.
KIM KARDASHIAN’S MET GALA LOOK
See also: the Instagram blackout. The most recognisable woman in the world took to the most public of red carpets this year, completely obscured in head-to-toe Balenciaga. With a human hair ponytail worth $30,000, Kim’s look was perhaps one of the most memorable Met Gala appearances of all time. It wasn’t on theme, but then again, what’s more American than disregarding the rules and just doing whatever it is you want to do. Costume companies – the great arbiters of cultural impact – were quick to reproduce the outfit in gauzy fabrics and morph suit derivatives. But really, the same look could probably be achieved at home with leggings, t-shirts, and bed sheets. Plus, there’s no face paint or fake blood required, which only ever looks good for approximately 15 minutes, anyway.
THE PILFERING OF PRINCESS DIANA’S MEMORY
This year, there was not a streaming service, musical, or arthouse film, which did not haunt the memory of Princess Diana for some kind of cultural clout. Talk about ghoulish! Of course, there’s a wealth of Princess Di looks to choose from – the biker shorts, the revenge dress, the Balmoral two-piece suits – but make sure you’re out there shaking a collection bag, because there is no respite, even in death.
LITTLE LAD
This man is absolutely bone-chilling. His shrill cries for “berries and cream” could curdle blood and the way he bounces with such gay delight in his little Lord Farquard outfit is absolutely horrifying. And yet, there is something in his time-hopping, spectre-like, Wee Willie Winkie demeanour which is captivating. There’s also something quite Comme des Garçons about his look – the boxy, formal shorts, the ruffled shirt, and Peter Pan collar. It’s all in the hair though, so cut some bangs, and go skipping into the night.
DUNE
Be it Timothée or Zendaya, swaddle yourself in a tonal scarf, shoulder pads, knee pads, a harness, and a jock strap this Halloween. Just to make sure you’ve got that bulked-up, extraterrestrial warrior silhouette going. Think Lara Croft meets Luke Sky Walker meets Sex and The City 2. Alternatively you could dress up as that giant, erm, worm, but if you’d like to look like an actual asshole, just click through to the next slide.
A MEMBER OF THE LGB ALLIANCE
Some of the most disgraceful people to find a platform this year were members of the LGB alliance, whose hatefulness is matched only by just how insufferably lame they are. Obviously don’t actually dress up as one of these Tunnocks Tea Cake-wielding, white, middle-class, middle-aged, “gender critics”. Though their “amazeballs”, G&T swilling exterior may suggest otherwise – see our earlier notes on cheugy – they are as squalid as they are a hate group.