“Being perceived… how do u stop that,” one person tweets out into the void. “I’m so sick of being perceived I literally cannot deal with people having an opinion of me,” another adds. “I wanna delete everything, I want to deactivate every social media I’ve ever had in my entire life. I want every trace of me to be gone and I don’t wanna be perceived,” a popular soundbite on TikTok, originally from @jacobvanlue, ruminates. The notion that each person we encounter holds a different perception of us, beyond our control, is unsettling, even a little horrifying. Yet, being perceived by others is an inherent aspect of existing as a person in the world – a fundamental exchange in the fabric of human interaction. So, why does the realisation of this fact evoke such a visceral reaction?

In today’s digital landscape, the paradox of perception has never been more prevalent. From curated online personas to the fear of being spotted unfiltered, how we present ourselves and interact with others has undergone a profound shift. This feeling was first mentioned in a 2013 New York Times essay “I Know What You Think of Me”. In it, writer Tim Kreider discusses the feeling of being objectively observed. The feeling he describes is the same as taking a selfie on the front-facing camera and being met with the horror of the flipped image or hearing your voice in the background of someone’s Instagram story: hideous.

“It’s really our awareness of [other people’s judgement] that makes being perceived so uncomfortable,” explains psychotherapist and author Eloise Skinner. “An example of this would be when people admit to watching their own Instagram Stories through a burner account – it gives us a sense of perceiving ourselves, in order to mirror the perception process that we assume others do for us. The process of self-reflecting in this way can make us feel anxious, or bring up feelings of insecurity.”

However, at the same time as shying away from being seen in real life, we have become hyper-visible in online spaces. Our lives unfold in Instagram stories, are documented in photo dumps, and the minutiae of our day-to-day lives are captured in vlogs. Yet, even as social media pervades every facet of our existence, there remains a sizable contingent who recoil from the camera’s gaze, swiftly erasing selfies and adamantly requesting to be cropped from group photos. Our friends in pictures? Stunning, angelic. Yet, when it comes to our turn, the images don’t always reflect how we see ourselves, or how we imagine others see us. This is because typically, we rely on the mirror’s reflection for our idea of ourselves. As a result, the mind develops a preference for this familiar image, expecting it when you see yourself tagged in an upload. As a result, the confrontation with reality can be jarring.

“Photographs, particularly candid photographs taken by other people when we are not aware, are notoriously tricky in the work I do,” explains registered psychologist, Dr Carolyne Keenan. “When we look in the mirror we often adjust ourselves to create a more appealing angle, we can manipulate parts of the face or body by adjusting our pose or facial expression. We also experience ourselves in the way that others do when we are in front of them in real-time. A photograph freezes us in a moment when we could be sitting in a way that makes our bodies look unfamiliar, or making an expression we don’t often see when we look in the mirror”.

Another reason we might be unhappy with our likeness captured on camera, is that it doesn’t live up to the faces we are endlessly fed through our internet algorithms. The current beauty ideal, coined Instagram face by Jia Tolentino in 2019, is designed to be captured on camera. This is often the reason those who haven’t perfected the “Instagram face”, or have simply been caught from an unflattering or unfamiliar angle, are left disappointed with their pictures.

However, as much as it may sometimes appeal, opting out of being perceived obviously isn’t a good option. We are at risk of becoming more socially disconnected as a generation, with the world being increasingly designed to avoid the inconvenience of human contact. From working remotely, to self-service kiosks and automated chatbots, it is easier than ever to go about daily life completely without human interaction. “I’m a firm believer that social isolation has never made things better. It makes them worse,” Dr Petya Eckler, senior lecturer in Journalism, Media and Communication at the University of Strathclyde, tells Dazed. 

The COVID-19 pandemic was the most extreme example of what this world would look like. “Not socialising in larger groups for a couple of years could have sensitised some people,” explains Eckler. “Post-pandemic mental health in our Western societies has definitely been worse off than before.” Loneliness is a growing epidemic. Young people aged 16 to 24 feel more lonely than any other age group, with 73 per cent of Gen-Z reporting feeling alone sometimes or always. 

So while an aversion to being perceived may be a tongue-in-cheek excuse to cancel all plans and rot in bed, we should be careful about how far we take the joke. Whether we like it or not, being perceived is an inherent part of being a person interacting in the world. “Take it as part of being a social person, a social animal, which we all are,” says Eckler. “Maybe people just need a boost of self-confidence in that regard – you may look worse off than your digital persona, but so does everyone else.”