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Iron Man, 2008

Goopsie! Looks like Gwyneth Paltrow is setting men on fire

It’s what makes life interesting, finding the balance between arson and tofu

As part of a new treatment, which will have men immediately self-combust when walking near a woman, two individuals caught fire in Goop’s Hamptons outpost last weekend. Like much of the brand’s schemes, the science has yet to be properly explained, but local police are accrediting the phenomenon to rubbing alcohol, “which had been added to candles, causing a large explosion and flames.” Unfortunately, both men’s burns were quite serious, but maybe this shouldn’t have come as a surprise given that Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina-scented candles have instigated house fires – much to the dismay of Elton John, who owned “a lot” of them. 

The writing was on the wall. After all, Gwyneth Paltrow, who encourages women to explore psychosomatic wellness through $2,500 Ouija boards and something called a “wand” – which, I don’t know, sounds a bit occult for a vibrator – explained to Harpers Bazaar in 2013 that “it's what makes life interesting, finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu.” Presumably the mogul’s penchant for arson and bean curd was further fuelled by the appalling roll-back of women’s rights that have blighted the USA. Or perhaps men, so full of poison and misogyny, just exploded at the sheer quantity of pastels and prairie dresses on offer. 

Goop has yet to comment on the blaze, but it has uploaded a photo of some fruit on Instagram hashtagged #farmersmarketinspo alongside a recipe for “spicy” Korean chicken tacos – which, for obvious reasons, feels a little insensitive. With next to no details on the outburst, men have no option but to take the news as a PSA. Abandon hope all ye who enter Goop, and please, do NOT stand anywhere near a woman. Not now, and not ever. In the meantime, it might be worth attempting to relinquish all those inner demons through sexological body work, touchless orgasms, kombucha, and the whiff of Kourtney Kardashian’s Pooshie