How to do Valentine’s Day when you’re single

It’s Valentine’s Day and so I thought I’d share my pearls of wisdom about how to best mark this ancient festival of romance and courtly love. Unfortunately, I’m not the ideal candidate for this given that I’ve been single since 2009 and haven’t been on so much as a date since 2013. No real reason apart from a crippling fear of intimacy that possibly dates back to my parents’ divorce in 1999.

See, now I’ve overshared – and that tendency hasn’t exactly helped me with the boys either. The other day a guy on a dating app said “wow hun ur gorgeous. How have you not been snapped up?” I replied “well lol I am mentally ill, a transsexual and a child of divorce so they’re not exactly beating down my door babe!”

He blocked me.

So anyway, I have issues and I’m perpetually alone so I’m obviously the go-to guide to help single people through Valentine’s Day. My solitude and isolation may not sound fun (does it?) but it sure does make for edgy content!

IGNORE ANY EVENTS THAT REST ON THE PREMISE OF “ALTERNATIVE VALENTINE’S”

Seriously, the only thing more pathetic than couples loudly celebrating Valentine’s Day is single people who feel the need to plan presumptuous events for other single people so you can all get together and assert how much you don’t care about it. “We’re not in relationships and we don’t care – let’s just dance!” is about as convincing a display of being chill as those people who post Facebook statuses about cutting “toxic people” out of their lives.

It’s a Tuesday evening, why on earth would I want to turn up and dance in your living room to Robyn to prove I’m absolutely fine with a commercial holiday where the entire premise is smug and exclusionary? Europeans don’t feel the need to say “Alternative Thanksgiving! Come one come all but absolutely no turkey allowed! This is for Europeans only!” when Americans celebrate every November. We just act bemused about why they basically do Christmas twice and try to ignore them.

REMEMBER THAT THE DAY IS COMPLETELY MADE UP

It’s Valentine’s Day – the feast of St Valentine who – NEWSFLASH – didn’t even exist! Seriously, no one knows who that guy is. If he existed at all he was probably a bishop and therefore sworn to celibacy (very relatable). Why’s he a saint, you ask? And the patron saint of love? Well, no one knows. Not even the Catholic Church, who started to get a bit anxious about all these damn questions surrounding some made-up guy and so quietly downgraded him by taking him off the official Church calendar in 1969. Like when you accidentally tweet “on the sesh mate” from the work account and delete it in the hope none of the company’s fifty thousand followers spotted it.

So anyway, today hasn’t been “Valentine’s Day” for the past forty years. It’s actually the feast day of Saints Cyril and Methodius, two brothers who brought Christianity to the Slavs and invented the Glagolitic alphabet. Accounts vary but if you lived in 9th century Moravia, Cyril and Methodius were basically Jedward. Stay woke.

Now Valentine has been officially shafted his only legacy is being Patron Saint of the 2 for1 Menu at Pizza Express and a name given to annoying poshos. Seriously – there was a guy called Valentine in my lectures at uni. He was, of course, a wanker.

IF YOU SEE ROMANCE ON THE TIMELINE, LEAVE A COMMENT

If you’re really feeling left out by those in happy relationships on Valentine’s Day why not get involved? Just search hashtags like #TheBoyDidGood or hop to your ex-colleague Jen’s Facebook (you worked with Jen about 3 years ago, she was one of those pricks that smiled to your face then told management you were using Facebook at work).

Inevitably, it won’t take you long to find truly sociopathic bragging like “I know its cringe to say this but I’m so lucky to have a wonderful partner. Being in love is mad!” My rule is that if people want to post publicly about their relationship they are implicitly asking for feedback. Valentine’s Day is a perfect time to do just that.

“Lol Jen congratulating yourself on romantic love? You’re merely replicating a heteropatriarchal structure designed to entrap women!” You post the comment under her status and smile to yourself before typing out an addendum: “Have you ever considered that your allegiance to the couple unit is actually a rather selfish privatisation of care and intimacy denied to so many others under the crushing weight of late stage capitalism?”

You showed Jen.

“Lol Jen congratulating yourself on romantic love? You’re merely replicating a heteropatriarchal structure designed to entrap women!”

CREATE A DISDAINFUL WHATSAPP GROUP WITH A FEW LIKEMINDED FRIENDS

It’s a useful place to drop screenshots of people’s Valentine’s location check-ins and the gifts they gave each other for collaborative sneering. “Ugh that restaurant was a tacky choice. They’re so fake. I love how he pretends they’re both happy now but he gave that other guy a blowjob in the middle of Vauxhall last summer”.

Remember – the quickest and most effective way to feel better about yourself is to tear other people down and bitching is such a great bonding tool with your friends. Honestly, someone picked up my phone the other day to google something and I had to demand they hand it back because my nudes were saved to camera roll. There are no nudes on my camera roll, just meanspirited screenshots I didn’t want them to see. I just say there’s nudes because it’s better to be a fake slag than a real bitch.

GET DRUNK

I technically can’t do this anymore because I’m an alcoholic (I know right? An alcoholic, depressive, transsexual. What a catch. Can’t believe I’m single to be honest) but it’s always an option. Get catastrophically wasted, possibly with some other single friend and end up having have that weird drunk sex where it’s not physically pleasurable in any sense and you keep zoning out and looking at their face and being like “woah this is a mistake isn’t it? I don’t even fancy him. BUT WHATEVER I’M YOUNG, SINGLE AND FREE!”

You’ll wake up for work tomorrow, feeling so hungover it’s like you’ve been shot in the face and have to wear today’s clothes again. You and your friend will both ghost each other on and off for three months before meeting at a mutual’s party and within seconds come to a non-verbal agreement never to speak of the ‘incident’ again. Until you the following week when you test positive for chlamydia, that is.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T GO ON YOUR DATING PROFILE

It’s Valentine’s Day! Do you know who goes haunting dating apps on Valentine’s Day? Lonely, sad losers, that’s who! Even if you’re okay with being a sad and lonely loser its highly likely that if you start messaging someone who’s also online that they’re a sad, lonely loser too. Now there’s two of you creeps sending out depressing little pulse signals into the void. Is this where you thought you’d end up? Jumping for joy because your phone bleeps to tell you some accountant from Basingstoke says he also enjoys travelling and reading? For god sake get a grip and love yourself – why not spend the time doing something just for you, like making up the bed with fresh sheets or masturbating. Both preferably.