The stereotype of the cool, chill girl is that she is cool with sports, cool with Die Hard and cool with going with the flow – crucially though, she’s also a myth
I don’t need to express to you the importance of being a cool and chill girl. But I will anyway because that’s what I’m getting paid for. It is *literally* the difference between life and death. If you’re not cool and chill you may as well wrap yourself in ham and walk into the ocean. There’s nothing else for it. You simply must be chill and cool no matter the cost. Eat the cost. Put the cost in the microwave and then throw the microwave into space. Then get a new microwave at a massively inflated price. Chill is the dish of the day. It’s also very hard to define. Is it a kind of brie? A health supplement specifically for ageing Alsatians? An artisanal bread hat? It’s surprisingly none of these things.
Women’s magazines, TV shows, and your overbearing aunt Brenda would all have you believing that being chill means going with the flow, doing whatever, squashing down your emotions and your needs deep inside yourself and smiling through any type of interpersonal agony that this may cause. This is, in fact, the least chill thing you could do and yet another reason that Brenda should go to jail-prison. Being faux-chill is like being happy; ridiculously easy to outwardly fake once you know how, but dreadful for the soul. But luckily I’m here to help you become the cool chill girl of your dreams. Let’s get into it though because I have a soup cooking. Here’s how to do it.
LET GO OF THE COOL GIRL MYTH
The myth goes something like this. The cool and chill girl enjoys stereotypically masculine things like watching “Sports” and consuming beer-type drink beverages. Her favourite movies are Die Hard, Fight Club and porn. She doesn’t bother her man with serious conversations. She’s there when he wants, but when he needs space, she’s gone without him even needing to ask. She looks like a supermodel without spending hours getting ready. She also has a rare medical condition that means she has to give a blowjob every four hours or she dies. She’s a horny mermaid. A sexy unicorn. A slutty minotaur.
In short: she’s not real, and trying to be her is foolish and should be made illegal. Here’s how to really be chill: if football makes you want to rub hot Dorito dust in your eyes, simply smile and say it’s not something you’re into. Unapologetically pursue your real interests. Gleefully provide for yourself wherever possible. Genuinely prioritise your sense of peace and happiness. Hold a dog in your arms and marvel at the simple beauty of the Universe.
CARE LESS
I don’t mean about your lovely tiny grandma, or endangered species, or bees, or your own welfare. Those things must always matter very much. What you should care less about however is: the opinion of strangers, anyone who takes pleasure in your discomfort, and the man at Sainsbury’s who scowled at me for wearing pyjamas to go buy spicy chicken wings. These things are CANCELLED. Being a woman often means storing up incredible amounts of undeserved guilt and then letting it permeate your everyday life like some kind of horrible Glade plug-in that’s melted into the socket and can’t be turned off. Acquiring any measure of real chill requires us to acknowledge this and then work very hard to replace these guilt pockets with stores of confidence, calm and peaceful determination.
DON’T STAY IN RELATIONSHIPS THAT DON’T TOTALLY WORK FOR YOU
Stop trying to date beautiful and unavailable people who are so painfully self-absorbed that they forget you exist the minute you leave the room. Don’t shrink yourself up like a 100% cotton t-shirt that went in a hot wash on accident. If they don’t like all of you then they are not the one for you. It’s el simplio as that. This goes for friendships as well. It’s incredibly unchill to piss away years of your life standing behind people who don’t care about your wellbeing. So learn to listen to your gut when it tells you that you’re not being treated right, and that the person who you’re bleeding time and energy into will never love and cherish you. Learn then to cut them off at the root, immediately and without regret. And when it hurts, learn to let it hurt, and to follow that feeling to its natural end. And then to leave it alone.
DON’T LIE ABOUT WHAT YOU LIKE
There are only two occasions where this is allowed.
1) If it will get you a free smoothie at the mall.
2) To make your nana happy.
The rest of the time you gotta cut it out. If you like meticulously planning day trips and get anxious when you don’t know what’s on the agenda, then don’t pretend that you love going with the flow and just seeing what happens. That’s how people get stomach ulcers. If you’re on a date and you want a delicious salad and a drink with glitter in it then THAT IS WHAT YOU ORDER. If the sex isn’t quite working for you, say something, guide it elsewhere. If you love make-up then BY GUM you better contour with so much precision that when you’re finished your face is an unidentifiable hexagon. You better highlight like you’ve never highlighted before. You better make those eyes look smokier than if a barbecue crisp and cigar emporium went on fire. DO YOU, CHILL GIRL, DO YOU.
COOLLY ACCEPTING (IN A CHILL AND COOL WAY) THAT A PART OF BEING A PERSON IS NEEDING AND THAT NEEDS DON’T VOID YOUR VALUE
This is the most chill thing you can do long-term for yourself and the people around you. Because you are not an inflatable unicorn. Nor are you one of those fake pears your grandma has in a bowl in her house that you keep accidentally taking bites out of and now you have a stomach ache. You are not a blank, passive, needless blob. What you are is a human person, one who is capable of feeling an incredible amount of different things. And quite rightly so. Casting yourself as the over-emotional maniac the minute you have a feeling that isn’t entirely zen is a verifiably unchill thing to do. All it gets you is a one-way ticket to Sad Town, stopping at Misery Park, Crier’s Green, Unfulfilled Avenue. And also Slough.