Why learn broken German, curate an all-black wardrobe and trek to Berlin to be turned away by Sven when you could get rejected from Berghain all from your sofa?

Berghaintrainer is a website that simulates queuing and coming face-to-face with the notoriously stern bouncers of the infamous Berlin club. Set up your camera and microphone and face and voice recognition technology will analyse your body language and tone.

Sven Marguardt is the hard-to-please, de factor face of Berghain. In the simulation, another bouncer incidentally named Sven asks “Do you know who’s spinning tonight?” “Are you drunk?” and “Have you been here before?” The software assesses your body language factors on four elements: sadness, amazement, anger and euphoria.

It’s like meeting Peter at the gates of heaven tbh, but the floor’s a little stickier and a Ben Klock set is reverberating through the walls. How you answer determines whether you’ll see the fabled Panorama Bar, or be banished to one of Dante’s Circles of Hell (Suicide Circus or Watergate).

You can try it out for yourself here – we’re on our third try. This Sven takes no shit.