Grindr’s “masc4masc” tribes are often aggressive in their dismissal of feminine men and reveal a culture battling with prejudice within itself
The last few years have been pivotal for “feminine” men. In the fashion world designers are increasingly blurring the lines of gender; many houses now opt out of gendered runway presentations, and Galliano recently presented a series of men with beehives and beaded gowns for his SS16 womenswear showing at Margiela. Over these same few years, RuPaul’s Drag Race has gone from a little-known reality show to a cultural behemoth, catapulting drag well and truly into the mainstream. While these are only minor victories, it seems that the world at large is slowly adjusting to the idea that men don’t have to fit stereotypical perceptions of masculinity.
Ironically, this slight progression in acceptance seems to have triggered the LGBT community to shift in the opposite direction. Despite increasingly varied depictions of masculinity gay men are still, by and large, rigidly defined by narrow categories. Dating apps allow us to write concise profiles which list our height, weight, interests etc, all of which are optional, but gay dating apps often ask you to list whether you’re a top or bottom. In the context of meeting a potential fuck buddy this isn’t particularly surprising, but what is surprising is the frequency with which gay men will be asked “are you a top or bottom?” by people they barely know. Imagine being asked whether you prefer missionary or doggy style whenever you meet someone new, and then you have a glimpse into the daily dating life of a gay man.
More specific than tops and bottoms are the range of really weird ‘tribes’ which we’re expected to assimilate with. Slim and hairless? You must be a twink. Larger in build and covered in body hair is the bear, but you can also be an otter, wolf, jock, daddy or cub. Take your pick. These tribes are bizarre, but they’re not really problematic in the way that the terms “masc” and “straight-acting” can be. They might seem on the surface to be just a descriptor, a preference for a stereotypically “masculine” aesthetic, but the problem is that this “masc4masc” breed of Grindr user is usually aggressive in his preference, often using homophobic slurs to describe the camp men that he claims not to be attracted to. As modern masculinity becomes more malleable, it seems that a small percentage of the gay community is actually becoming more regressive.
“Imagine being asked whether you prefer missionary or doggy style whenever you meet someone new, and then you have a glimpse into the daily dating life of a gay man”
To put it in context, it’s okay to have a type. Nobody would blast a straight woman for specifically wanting a guy with a beard, and the same rules apply to the gay community. What isn’t OK is femme-shaming, a trend which is becoming worryingly widespread. A talking point within the UK’s gay community right now is a gay guy on Channel 4’s “First Dates” who stated that his date wearing heels made him “embarrassed to be gay”. His statement underscored the point that a rejection of camp men is usually because they’re seen as a ‘threat’ to the wider mainstream perception of homosexuality. This man was the real-life flesh and blood version of those weird Grindr profiles that want a man to “BE A MAN!”, one who seemingly viewed the choices of other people as an embarrassment to himself.
Basically, it’s not cool. Even the basic premise of “straight-acting” is tragic. It’s there in the name – “acting”. Some basic traits of our personality are intrinsic, we can’t change them, so if you genuinely do just happen to behave in a way that society deems as “masculine” but you’re gay, that’s cool. But if your interests or mannerisms don’t fit in with heteronormative masculinity and you feel the need to actively suppress them to act straight, there’s something seriously wrong.
This then ends up projected onto feminine men, who become victims of ridicule from members of their own minority group. The irony is that even these straight-acting men will probably have, at some point, been suspected as gay and subsequently had the piss taken out of them. What might be helpful is if all these “masc” guys thought back to their own confusion and discomfort when they were forced to strip off in boys’ locker rooms in school, or think back to a time when they were called a ‘faggot’ on the street. Society may be more accepting, but the bottom line is that someone like (British diver) Tom Daley coming out can still make headline news. Is it newsworthy? No, probably not. But the fact is that being gay still makes you a minority, an anomaly, and minorities rarely go through life without being subjected to some sort of discrimination regardless of their characteristics.
“The problem is that this “masc4masc” breed of Grindr user is usually aggressive in his preference, often using homophobic slurs to describe the camp men that he claims not to be attracted to”
I was born (or not, whichever theory you believe) gay, therefore there’s no point me wasting my life trying to act straight. No gay man should believe that another gay wearing heels, or make-up, or acting “camp” impacts upon them and their life in any way, because it doesn’t. The minority stereotypes that society still clings onto (the camp gay, the butch lesbian, the angry feminist) are all so culturally ingrained that we’d be idiots to believe we could change them immediately, and the real wider problem is that society still needs its neat boxes to classify and subsequently judge people.
Some aspects of my personality fit the gay stereotype, others don’t, and that will be true of every person in the world. It’s fine to be attracted to guys with beards, or muscular guys, because it’s an aesthetic preference. It’s not fine to shame anybody else for the way they look or behave and it’s kind of weird to aspire to heteronormative ideals because, by way of birth, as a gay man you’re automatically excluded from them.
I date a guy who wears nail varnish because he wants to, and that’s okay. I have friends that drag up in the name of artistic expression and because it makes them happy – that’s also okay. Maybe the men that femme-shame are projecting their own struggles with sexuality, or maybe they’re just part of a brigade that constantly feel the burning desire to be “brutally honest” despite nobody ever actually asking to hear it. The main point is that a man in heels shouldn’t make you feel “embarrassed to be gay” because all it means is that another man, whose actions have no bearing on your life at all, feels comfortable in a pair of six-inch stilettos. There is also no point in “straight-acting” if you are not straight. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to be straight even if I had the choice. There’s a rich history and an incredible subculture embedded within the LGBT community. Funnily enough, most of its trailblazers were men in heels.