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Spider-Man looking sad
Just another desperately boring day in the life of Spider-Manvia

Spider-Man must be straight, white and not on drugs

A 2011 licensing agreement between Sony Pictures and Marvel shows that Spider-Man has to be one of the most boring guys you’ve never met

I've never liked Spider-Man and now I know why – he's been consigned to a life of utter drudgery by his creators slash captors. Leaked Sony emails (yes, there are more) published by Gawker reveal the "Mandatory Spider-Man Character Traits" that make Spidey what he is today – a total wet.

According to the document, Spider-Man must not smoke, must not use foul language, must not sell or distribute drugs, must not abuse alcohol, must not have sex before the age of 16 and must not be homosexual. It is for all these reasons that when I get out of work on a Friday evening and wonder who to unwind with, I never ever call Spider-Man. He's always just at home not swearing, not on drugs and not being gay.

In case you aren't up on your lame superheroes, Spider-Man has an equally dull alter-ego called Peter Parker; a boy from "a middle class household in Queens, New York" who is "Caucasian and heterosexual". Parker sucks too, apart from the whole webbing his way across cities thing.

Sony leaks haven't been too kind to Spider-Man. One leak has a TV exec emailing a "spidey thought" that tries to totally circumvent the tightly bound "Mandatory Spider-Man Character Traits" screed and truly connect him with millennials via Tough Mudder, EDM and Snapchat. I think Spider-Man might need trapping under a glass and throwing out of the window.