Can science explain Twin Peaks?

Your favourite TV show is returning to the tellybox in 2016. It’s been on pause for nearly 25 years. If that’s longer than you’ve been alive, you have literally been waiting your entire life for this to happen – even if you didn’t know it yet as a child. Step aside, House of Cards, Twin Peaks is back.

You are not the only one living for Lynch to unleash his newest nightmare. Cyberspace is already littered with speculation about the next instalment, which is not even coming out this year. There are so many questions we want answered, but twisted Twin Peaks will probably just leave us with even more this time round. If you’re dying for some rational explanations, don’t expect them from Lynch.

Luckily for you, we can reveal the answers to Twin Peaks’ biggest mysteries. Stop surfing fan sites: science has the solutions. Yes, it’s pseudo-heretical to claim science can order the Lynchian realm, but his world was also made to spawn conspiracy theories, so we’ve compiled a damn fine set of our own based on real, proper science.

Not like we need to say this, but, this is obviously for die-hard fans itching for the truth. If you haven’t seen Twin Peaks, you shouldn’t read this (and we’re all disappointed with you).

HOW DOES BOB POSSESS PEOPLE?

Of course, greasy, greedy Bob wants you believe he is an invincible evil spirit, capable of possessing innocent souls and turning them against their family, but don’t be fooled. Leland Palmer is not haunted by a fiendish life force, he’s suffering from ‘demonomania’, a potent mix of psychosis, schizophrenia, mania and multiple personality disorder. As the name suggests, people with demonomania think they are inhabited by demons.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t explain why dreamy Dale Cooper also believes he is Bob’s new vessel in that tragic final episode. Why would two demonomaniacs think they are victims of the same evil spirit? Well, apparently therapists’ techniques to ‘recover’ patients’ memories can backfire occasionally and actually give people multiple personality disorder. Seems like our beloved Coop does this to himself. Stitching together the scarred memories of Twin Peaks, Coop clearly gives himself multiple personality disorder and thinks he is possessed by demonic Bob.

HOW DOES COOP SEE VISIONS OF LAURA AND THE BLACK LODGE?

Giants and dancing midgets visit Special Agent Cooper in his dreams to give him precious clues about Laura Palmer’s death and the circus of the Black Lodge. His piercing mind can apparently transcend the natural world to find answers locked in the sprit realm.

Or is he just drinking to much coffee? Whether he’s devising genius plans in Sheriff Truman’s office, or trialling Tibetan investigative methods in the forest, Cooper is always enjoying a cup of the hot black stuff.

We all adore Coop’s coffee obsession, but it could be the cause of his psychological deterioration. Researchers have found that people guzzling too much coffee have a higher tendency to hear voices and hallucinate. Given that Coop develops demonomania, his habit is clearly fuelling a psychotic descent that presumably started after the trauma of losing Catherine, the love of his life.

WELL, SCIENCE DEFINITELY CAN’T EXPLAIN THE BLACK LODGE...

Wrong. The Black Lodge is obviously just a madhouse covered by an invisibility cloak. Why else would all the poor souls terrorised by Bob be in one place?

Scientists have discovered how to hide objects using lenses, and it’s really easy. You could build your own invisibility cloak for under $100. The FBI could have known about this technology ages ago, and built the Black Lodge as a dubious way to trap the troublesome demonomaniacs in the woods. This, of course, would explain how only the FBI agents – Coop and Windom Earle – are able to find the Black Lodge. Coincidence? Obviously not.

WHY CAN FBI CHIEF GORDON COLE ONLY HEAR SHELLEY?

We fell in love with Gordon Cole when he fell in love with Shelly Johnson. On a visit the Double R Diner for multiple servings of cherry pie, the deaf FBI chief miraculously discovers that he can hear Shelly’s voice. Her face isn’t bad either, and he’s smitten. 

Gordon is an enigma (in the first episode we meet him, he tells Coop, “You remind me today of a small Mexican chihuahua.”), but this freaky incident is perfectly explicable. His brain clearly can’t zone out the background noise bombarding his hearing aid, so everyone has to shout at him – everyone apart from Shelly. He’s suffering from extremely selective hearing, something psychologists call the ‘cocktail party effect’. They found that our brains focus on the people we fancy, and filter out other noises. So, Gordon’s ears are bust, and his brain has decided Shelly is the only person worth paying attention to.

WHY DOES LELAND’S HAIR TURN WHITE OVERNIGHT IF HE’S NOT POSSESSED BY A DEMON?

At the start of the second season, Leland’s hair suddenly turns white. His final act as a sentient human was killing Jacques Renault, and his white hair is supposed to signal that his demonic transformation is complete. There is, however, a far more likely scientific explanation. Nobel laureate Robert Lefkowitz proved that too much stress and adrenaline causes greying hair. Now that Leland is on a killing spree, he’s probably more stressed out than the financial markets when Syriza won the Greek election – no wonder his hair bleaches overnight.

AND LASTLY, HOW DOES NORMA BAKE SUCH DAMN FINE CHERRY PIE?

It’s the biggest scandal in Twin Peaks. How does Norma make such damn fine cherry pie, and still look so good? Well, Norma isn’t just a pretty face; she knows her molecular gastronomy. Firstly, Norma flavours her pie crust with fructose, (also known as fruit sugar). It’s much sweeter than table sugar, so Norma can use less of it in her pastry for the same sweetness. She also uses low-fat butter in her pie crust. Not only is it healthier, it has a high water content so it will make the top-crust nice and flaky when the water converts to gas in the oven.