In yet another wholly anti-democratic move, Dominic Cummings has expressed his interest in starting an OnlyFans – well, kind of. Speaking at a live Q&A session on his Substack newsletter this week, the PM’s former chief strategist and human lizard expressed his frustration at the site’s technical difficulties, to which one of his subscribers suggested that he “take notes from the gaming community” and, naturally, start an OnlyFans. He responded with, “Will look into it!” – and here we are. 

Cummings is, of course, known to break some rules, so we can only assume that his OnlyFans will be chaotic AF. Think: an “Old Man Fucks Entire Country” montage; “Fake Taxi: The Brexit Bus Version”; or – for those interested in SFW content only – screenshots of BoJo calling Hancock hopeless (premium members only). Anyway, obviously we’ve done some suggestions of what to expect. Happy Cummings.

ASMR: TAKING YOU ON A DRIVE TO TEST YOUR EYESIGHT

(Whispers): “Are you ready to feel relaxed? I hear you’ve been experiencing trouble with your vision, yes?” *Taps fingernails gently on the steering wheel*. “OK, let’s get you checked out.” *Car door closes softly*. “Now, let’s get out of Islington and onto the M1.” *Rain drops onto the windscreen*. “Wonderful driving! Now that we’re in Durham, there’s a castle around here that’s great for testing your eyesight.” *Seatbelt unclips*. “You’re being a very responsible senior aide, and you’re amazing at your job.”

SFW: MORE BOJO WHATSAPP MESSAGES

Given OnlyFans’ recent threat to ban adult content, Cummings will likely play it safe with his account and launch safe for work (SFW) content alongside his more racy stuff. Among this will be more embarrassing texts from the prime minister, who was previously exposed by Cummings for calling Matt Hancock “totally fucking hopeless” (where’s the lie?). The BoJo messages will be for premium members only, with loyal customers getting private access to Cummings and Johnson’s sexts. A truly grim prospect.

POV: MAN FUCKS ENTIRE COUNTRY

When opening an OnlyFans, it’s essential to survey your strengths. Luckily for Dom ‘Daddy’ Cummings, the pandemic has already cemented that he is an expert in fucking over a country. Sure, we’d have to burn our eyes out after this one (Hancock snogging his millionaire mistress vibes!), but who knows, maybe we’ll get a bonus apology video after it goes live. What a treat.

DOMINIC’S CUMMING WITH BLOJO AND HAN-COCK

I feel sick.

FAKE TAXI: CUMMINGS IN THE BREXIT BUS

“Where today, love?” “Lincoln, Carlisle, and Wolverhampton, please – I would like to watch a DILF screw the country from inside a vehicle!”

Featuring more pounding than £350 million a week to the EU, and more cumming than the ex-chief adviser to the PM. Cash-only, though, because who doesn’t avoid tax?