Wow drag my bank account Ariana Grande
Ariana Grande wants us to know that she’s very rich. I feel happy for her, especially after the last year she’s had. We’ve all seen her struggles and pain and it has led to the most relatable run of tracks that have united women, made them less salty towards their exes, and made them feel like it’s OK to be openly vulnerable and an emotional mess.
While “7 Rings” is certainly a great club anthem, I can’t help but feel like her latest song is less accessible, mostly because I’m below zero on my own bank account. Last night, Ariana released her most recent song with a visual from her frequent music video director Hannah Lux Davis who previously worked with the singer on the ultimate referential video for “thank u, next”, “Side To Side”, and “Focus”. In it, she sings of gifting her friends rings, and living a lavish lifestyle where her “receipts, be lookin' like phone numbers”.
When we meet Ariana she’s in a pink-tinted dream house littered with trays topped with mirrored “bottles of bubbles” with Japanese labels, friends dancing in slow motion, and neon lights. She’s singing about how in this next chapter she’s going to focus on friendship and share her wealth with her most consistent support system. While that is a lovely sentiment and it’s better than being selfish I can’t wait for her next follow up to be an anthem championing an international redistribution of wealth. Here are the things that made me feel super poor watching “7 Rings”.
SHE CAN AFFORD SEVEN DIAMOND RINGS IN THE FIRST PLACE
That’s a lot of rings, and as much as I love my friends I don’t think I could part with that much cash to show them I care. I just send my friends memes.
THERE IS A CHAMPAGNE FOUNTAIN
First of all, I can’t keep more than four wine glasses alive in my shared house. Yet Ariana has so many champagne glasses she can stack them to double her height. She pours sparkling wine from the top to make a water fountain made of alcohol and then her and her friend drink from the bottle anyway.
SHE CARELESSLY SMASHES SAID CHAMPAGNE FOUNTAIN
You might be thinking, oh well. Maybe she was saving that tower for later? Moments later Ariana smashes the whole thing to bits. Money is a joke to her.
THERE ARE JEWELS EVERYWHERE
She’s literally dripping with diamonds. Her ears are adorned with low hanging shimmering stones. Her hair slides look like they’re worth more than my monthly rent. Her choker could pay off a big chunk of my student debt. Even her little buns are shining brighter than my future.
THE HOUSE HAS GOT TWO OVENS AND I BET SHE DOESN’T EVEN COOK
How easy would roast dinners or two course meals be if you didn’t have to cram in all your food into one measly oven? This party doesn’t even have any nibbles.
SHE IS SO WEIGHED DOWN BY HER HAIR EXTENSIONS THAT SHE CAN’T STAND
Have you ever tried to buy good quality human hair? It’s expensive. Here she is with her trademark up-do so long that is trails along the floor of her mansion. Dragging that pony around has worn her out so much she’s had to take a nap on the stairs.
IT IS A CAPITALIST/CONSUMERIST ANTHEM
“Whoever said money can't solve your problems / Must not have had enough money to solve 'em,” sings Ariana. Well, yes Ari wages are falling. At a time when it’s pretty clear capitalism has failed us all, she’s suggesting the solution to all of our problems is retail therapy and hyper-consumerism. How can I join in when my Apple Pay gets rejected because my wages never carry me through until payday? How?
Anyway, it’s a bop. Listen below to feel broke.